TITLE: The Secrets of Pretty Penelope
GENRE: YA/Fantasy
Penelope had no idea why Meg wanted to meet at the Welcoming committee on a Sunday afternoon. But she made sure she wasn’t going to be late, as usual. Penelope threw her long blonde hair into a ponytail and put on anything that smelled halfway clean-a pair of her favorite torn up jean shorts and a white cotton shirt. She slammed the front door-opened up her wings and took a running start. All Penelope knew was that Meg sounded very serious and she had a surprise, a birthday secret surprise.
As soon as Penelope landed she ran straight to Meg, who was waiting by the front door.
“Penelope you’re getting so tall, and even more beautiful. Those big green eyes of yours are just like your mother’s-gorgeous. Oh, I’m so happy you’re here. Look at those freckles across your cute little nose, the summer sun is going to love those this year. I can’t wait to give you your birthday gift.” Meg said as she squeezed Penelope tightly.
Marvelous Meg Mayfield is a boisterous woman. She stands about two winches taller than the average female fairy and has long, untamed red hair. Her eyes are brownish-green and thirsty for adventure. She always wears a small daisy behind her left ear and smile on her face. And is the only adult that doesn’t treat Penelope like a nuisance.
I think this still needs a little work. One thing that jumped out at me was the way Meg describes Penelope using dialogue. That's a pet peeve of mine.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I really liked is the surprise of having her opening up her wings and just sort of take off. You could do more with that - it's pretty cool.
Good luck!
There are some cool components here, like wings, for instance, but I think the biggest problem for me is that it reads more like a picture book or early reader than a YA. You may want to rethink your audience, or spend some more time finding your voice and "inner age". Maybe you'd more naturally write for a younger audience. There's also a lot of telling here about the characters, instead of showing us what they're like through their actions. And be careful about tense; you made a switch to present in the last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with the posters above, the bit about the wings intrigued me, but I think you could do a little more with the dialogue and description, it felt a little awkward. Unfortunately, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. The wings were a nice surprise - but not completely hooked. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThere's a tense switch when Meg starts getting described, along with the very blatant device of describing Penelope through dialogue -- both are serious turn-offs. The first paragraph let off to a good start, but the rest needs a bit of tightening.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I would give this a pass. The tense change and the awkward introductions feel very amateurish to me, and I think the whole think likely needs a lot more polish.
ReplyDeleteI'm worried about the wings. I keep thinking about Max – James Patterson's character.
ReplyDeleteI loved how this started out with the somewhat ordinary getting-dressed scene, and then you just throw in the mention of the wings. That was a nice surprise and had me intrigued. Unfortunately, after that you lost me.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this sounds more middle grade than YA. There are some spots where the writing could be tighter, but the switch to present tense at the end is the biggest problem.
You also don't need detailed descriptions of what your characters look like on the first page. Try to work the important details into the narrative naturally, not just dump it out all at once.
this read a bit jilted with the hyphens as they were. It did read a little younger than typical YA and I felt the scene was too generic. I would have liked to see, as other mentioned, more description of characters/settings. Also our introduction to Meg was just a long paragraph of text and didn't add enough to the scene. I agree with others needs a good proofreading and to be tightened.
ReplyDeleteI also really like the surprise of the wings in an otherwise normal scene - that was unexpected and fun.
ReplyDeleteThe tense change from past to present was a problem for me too, and some of the punctuation issues pulled me out of the story.
I do wonder what the birthday surprise is. And I wondered about Meg being "two winches taller" - is that a typo, or a strange fairy measurement?
I agree with the above commenters. The wings were nice, but I want action and character, not description.
ReplyDeleteI think this could have some interesting things going for it. Currently the characters kind of creep me out a little, though I'm not sure why. They seem over effusive. There are definitely some business issues here, tense, lack of tightening, some issues that proofreading would likely fix.
ReplyDeleteSome interesting ideas, but I agree that it does read young - maybe even MG, depending on where this goes. And I agree that it still needs some revision, to focus on more in depth character development, instead of surface description.
ReplyDeleteThe wings were dropped in nicely, but I agree with prior comments that the manuscript shows some newish-writer indications and could use revision.
keep working. :}
While you have some good ideas here, I'm not hooked. It felt younger than YA, and the tense switch confuses me.
ReplyDeleteGoodness, already 14 comments. I should have moved on, but how could meg not take a look at it? Especially a magnificant mouthful of "Marvelous Meg Mayfield"? Even Penelope is one of my favorite names to roll around my tongue.
ReplyDeleteDon't ya hate it when comments say more work? Here's the thing, if you haven't already read this: Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, Renni Browne and Dave King you need too. Read it and memorize it. Even our goddess has it under writing essentials.
Your story could be really cool, but if you brush it up after reading the above book--it could rock!
No, I have no affiliation with the authors, nor the agent, nor the publishers--but if I get a chance to get into one of their workshops? I'd be there in a sec...
Best wishes on your writing. I love the Fae and Meg sounds interesting. I'd like to meet both again!
I just wanted to say thank you for your comments and advice. I guess I need to revisit my tense issues. I still don't see them, maybe that's th problem. When I first wrote this book, it was in journal form and first person. It wasn't working. I tend to love the dash, it's been a habit lately. Sorry about throwing in the details of Penelope into dialoge I was trying to be cheeky. It didn't work. I can see where some lines needs some reworking. Back to work.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this sounds like it may be a little too young for the YA set, in terms of voice.
ReplyDeleteIt was a great start though, loved the wing surprise, but I think it just needs some polishing.
Good Luck!
Sorry... not hooked. The writing is a little rough.
ReplyDeleteCouple notes here -
Don't repeat Penelope's name so much.
Don't use dialogue to drop gratuitous descriptions of main characters, because that's just as bad as putting them in front of mirrors and describing every inch of their face from every angle.
This didn't really hook me, I'm afraid. So far, we have Penelope meeting with Meg, and she doesn't know why. The part where we found out Penelope has wings grabbed me, but then my interest waned with Meg's description of Penelope. This is obviously for the benefit of the readers. If it's relevant, maybe Meg could say how pretty Penelope is and leave it at that. It doesn't matter to me what she looks like at this stage - let's find out why Meg wanted to meet her!
ReplyDeleteAlso, the voice sounds a little young for YA.
For me, instead of building the story, it was building the appearance of the characters. (I'm not visual, so it could just be me, but I wasn't hooked.)
ReplyDeleteI liked the fact that she had wings. I was curious about that.
:)
I'm sorry but I wasn't hooked with this one...the physical desciptions of the characters didn't draw me in. Also, is it just me or did the last paragraph switch from past tense to present tense?
ReplyDeleteEmily
Not hooked—sorry. All the character description here reads like a laundry list of attributes. And Meg’s dialogue didn’t feel holistic or natural at all—more like you were using her to get more character description. Worry about those things later. Focus on giving us a protagonist who has a problem. Once your reader is hooked, then you can focus on the sensory details and the world building.
ReplyDeleteDear author,
ReplyDeleteI saw your comment about how you were confused on the tense change. It can be hard to keep it all the same. Lots of people struggle with it (including myself) but I thought I'd point them out to you since you mentioned you were having a hard time:
Penelope had no idea why Meg wanted to meet at the Welcoming committee on a Sunday afternoon. But she made sure she wasn’t going to be late, as usual. Penelope threw her long blonde hair into a ponytail and put on anything that smelled halfway clean-a pair of her favorite torn up jean shorts and a white cotton shirt. She slammed the front door-opened up her wings and took a running start. All Penelope knew was that Meg sounded very serious and she had a surprise, a birthday secret surprise.
[Your first paragraph is all past tense: had no idea, threw her hair, slammed, knew]
As soon as Penelope landed she ran straight to Meg, who was waiting by the front door.
[Past tense: landed, ran, was waiting]
“Penelope you’re getting so tall, and even more beautiful. Those big green eyes of yours are just like your mother’s-gorgeous. Oh, I’m so happy you’re here. Look at those freckles across your cute little nose, the summer sun is going to love those this year. I can’t wait to give you your birthday gift.” Meg said as she squeezed Penelope tightly.
[Past tense: said, squeezed]
Marvelous Meg Mayfield is a boisterous woman. She stands about two winches taller than the average female fairy and has long, untamed red hair. Her eyes are brownish-green and thirsty for adventure. She always wears a small daisy behind her left ear and smile on her face. And is the only adult that doesn’t treat Penelope like a nuisance.
[Then you change to present tense: is, she stands, has long, are, is, treat - if you wanted to stay with past tense it should have been: was, she stood, had long, were, was, treated...]
I don't know if that helped or not, but I saw your note.
Best of luck with your novel! AK
Dang those tenses! It is so easy to slip up. Just keep writing and reading everything you can get your hands on, even manuals on grammar.
ReplyDeleteI loved the surprise with the wings.
Good luck to you.
Oh, and I forgot to say, I love your last two lines, especially the last one.
ReplyDeleteGood luck - AK
Meg sounds incredibly irritating. Not really YA.
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of your comments and helpful suggestions!! I don't even care if I win (most likely will not according to your findings)it was well worth the experience and advice!!
ReplyDeleteThank you again. Back to work I go. I promise you all the soon you will LOVE Penelope as much as I do!!
NC
This sounds rough to me and I think the dialogue is awkward. The hook is introduced right away, which I liked, but nothing after it really grabbed me. If it were cut by at least half, I might be hooked.
ReplyDeleteWritten before peeking.
ReplyDeleteThe wings in amongst such normalcy was cute but oh dear, switching tenses midstream is a big no-no, as is using description through unnecessary dialogue (also known in some circles as 'As you know, Bobs')
I noticed many dashes in place of usual punctuation. This needs a tidy up.
I don't feel engaged in the characters yet. Perhaps there was too much description over action here.
This needs some serious polishing. Be careful about using dashes, they shouldn't replace appropriate punctuation except in a few instances. The dialogue sounds very immature, even for a YA book. Not hooked.
ReplyDelete