Miss Snark's First Victim
Hmm, I'm just not sure what this means. He is trying to avoid her, and he keeps going to places to avoid her but she's always there? In that case, 'find' is an odd verb as it implies he's seeking her. Or she's dead and everywhere he goes reminds him of her?I think the first three words swing us right into the historical period, and possibly the protagonist's voice (hopefully you don't overdo it!) but I just feel lost after that.
this doesn't feel strong enough to make me want to read on. It feels a bit overwritten.
This didn't grab me either. But the next sentence might. Based on the topic, I would give it a few more lines.
I don't know what this sentence means, so I wouldn't continue.
You had me the mention of historical fiction! :-)
I read it as she is trying to escape him.
It sounds like she's trying to escape someone, but "by the goddesses" is sorta... confusing? "For goddess' sake" or something like that might read easier.
I like this sentence very much. It is so obviously a woman: 'by the goddesses' instead of 'by god' which is what a man would say. Then, her plight becomes the focus: she must evade a man who is trying to find her. Who? Why? It is a compelling plot situation, and has me hooked.
Not quite hooked. The sentence felt a little flat. I don't know how you feel about throwing an exclamation point in on the first sentence, but it might give the "By the goddess" oath a litle punch.
'By the gods' might be more likely used by a Spartan man than 'by god' (as I suggested in my comment from a few minutes ago)I still like the sentence. I used to devour historical novels about the Greeks and Romans.
I have a problem with a Spartan praying to a Gods. Ares was the patron god. If we are talking Athens, then we are looking at a goddess, Athena.The end is awkward and puts the focus on he, not her. I'd reword the sentence.but I love stories like this, so I'd read on.
All I can think is 'of all the gin joints...' from Casablanca...maybe that's just me. I think 'by the goddesses' just reads anachronistic to me...
Huh. I read this as he is trying to escape her. It appears others read it as she was trying to escape him. I wonder which it is?Either way, I'm not really hooked. It's hard to care about a pronoun...
Confusing. Not hooked.
*resists valiantly against making "300" comments* O:)I like the title, and based on that at the subject matter, I might read on, even though the line doesn't hook me as strongly as it might. (Can't think of better suggestions, sorry!)Good luck,~Merc
Did they really talk like that in Sparta? Or is this more of an Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra version? Hmmmm....I don't think I'm hooked because I'm not convinced this is going to be authentic. That said, I'm an Elizabeth Taylor fan, so maybe the next few sentences would persuade me.
The goddess reference was enough to ensure I'd keep going, at least for the rest of the page, but there is something stilted about the wording.
Hmmm...if he's actually trying to avoid her, and not succeeding...and you continue the story without it getting confusing, like this sentence verges on...then I like it. But the next sentence would have to be really, really clear and easy to understand.
I'm intrigued. The title gives me enough reference to place the setting, and the voice and word choice mirror that. I;m intrigued and would read on.
Sorry, doesn't grab me.
'By the goddesses' sounds a bit Monty Pythonish to me. If I thought it was intended to be humorous, I would read on.
Well, I like this and I'd read further to see who was chasing her.
Sorry, I'd pass. I'm not a fan of being given a 3rd person POV direct thought before the POV has been established. Give me some setting first, or some introspection, or it means nothing to me. It feels like it should be important, and I'm missing out on why it's important. I want to know what's going on before you drop something like this on me, so I can feel his aginy when he has the thought. The soonest something like this should crop up is at the end of the first paragraph IMO. Fred