Another tip of my feathered hat to you for your thoughtful critique. Good stuff all around!
So I want to respond to several of your comments that suggested more in-depth query critique would be helpful; that hinted at the desire to offer more than one sentence--to go into more detail.
Some of you prefaced your comments with the equivalent of, "I know you're opposed to query critique, but..."
I'd like to clarify. I'm not "opposed to query critique." I would venture to say that I am a critique junkie, addicted to the solid fact that nobody's writing goes ANYWHERE without critique. And that includes queries.
What I am opposed to is what I call the OVER-SHOPPED QUERY LETTER. And I've already blogged about it here.
In short, opening a query letter to in-depth critique by a pool of critters, and then responding to as many of the suggestions as possible, runs the risk of producing a query that isn't really yours. In the end, my view of the query letter is that it's a business communique (as I outline in Agent: Demystified), plain and simple. Of course, unlike a business letter, it needs a HOOK, which is unique to the worlds of writing and film. But other than that, it's a professional letter that hopes to initiate a professional relationship. End of story.
Yes, we DO need feedback on whether or not we're hooking. But I'd prefer to err on the side of caution and not subject posted queries to the grist mill.
So please take a minute to read the almost-3-years-old blog post so that you understand where I'm coming from.
And have a MARVELOUS weekend!