Wednesday, March 7, 2012

March Secret Agent #30

TITLE: God Meets Goddess
GENRE: Young Adult

She so wasn’t ready for this.

Standing in front of the enormous iron gate, Arianna Demos could see the towering columns of Acropolis Academy fifty yards beyond it. Ionic columns, if she remembered correctly from her Comparative Civilizations class, with a sweeping staircase between them that lead up to the grand entrance of the Academy.

It looked more like a mega-mansion than a private prep school, with sprawling wings to the left and right that sported large windows and three floors of balconies.

She buzzed the intercom and waited.

There was still time; she could attend Ithaca High and join the cheerleading squad like back at Dalton; she’d never done Public School before, after all. Or, she could go to Acropolis Academy as planned, the reason her mom had uprooted them in the first place.

Dione had mentioned the place once or twice over the years, always with reverence in her voice. She had attended the school at Arianna’s age, and hadn’t been shy in her desire that her daughter would attend as well one day.

It would be the first step to understanding her heritage, Dione had said. It was her destiny, and that was all she would say on the matter. An impressive silence in the face of ten year-old Arianna’s stubborn pleas for an explanation that made sense.

“Arianna, welcome.” A sophisticated male voice intoned before the gate clicked open. She smiled at the small camera eye above the keypad and picked up her carryall, rolling the suitcase behind her.


  1. This sounds like a Greek God sort of YA and I am totally down for that. Love a good mythology read. The opening to this bit seems filled with backstory, though, so I don't really get an idea of who this Arianna is. I sense she is hesitant to be at the school, but not sure why. Her mother's preference fills this, but it doesn't give me Arianna. Maybe it's just me and things become a little more clear further in the chapter...

  2. Ably written, but too much description and backstory to hook me yet. I'd recommend moving the part about the mother later. Also, it wasn't clear at first that "Dione" was the mother. We're deep in Arianna's point of view, and people don't usually think of their parents in terms of their first names.

    I want to see more, to know where this is headed. It has the potential to be an intelligent, thoughtful, engaging story.

  3. This sounds like a very interesting story. Your descriptions are really good and I can picture extrance of the Academy.

    I don't think you need the "like" after cheerleading squad. It made me stumble a bit.

    I'm also curious why she refers to her mother by her first name, but that may come later.

    Good luck!

  4. I agree with the other commenters, the mom's name threw me off and this felt like an awful lot of set up.

    There are also lots of gods/goddesses/demigods that go to boarding schools, so I do hope your story is more than that cliche.

    I'd also like to see more of her body language in this telling us her feelings about the school instead of just outright telling us that she isn't ready. Let me see her shuffling feet and the sounds of the dislodged gravel, feel her hands pulling at her clothes, the sore on her lip from chewing it, etc.

  5. love the concept - would keep reading for that alone.
    using mom's name felt right to me, but yes, some more show of her discomfort would help

  6. I really like this concept but felt like we needed to get into the moment of the story more, with a little less backstory. I did get tripped up by using her mother's first name rather than saying mom or mother. But that could just be me. :)

    Also, I was trying to figure out what a sophisticated voice would sound like and I wasn't sure.

    Anyways, I think this sounds quite possibly like a romance of epic proportions with this title! I'd read on to find out how that would all play out.

  7. Form rejection. You begin with her fear but then take me to backstory. I'd rather see the things that make her apprehensive. There's a lot of what is right now unnecessary detail, and it's pulling me away from Arianna.