TITLE: PRO BONO
GENRE: Mystery
Former embedded war reporter, Quindley Dempsy, has raised a mountain of cash to build a high-tech rehab clinic for treating injured combat veterans. When a body drops from the rafters during the clinic’s dedication, she sets out to nail the bastard who killed her friend, the chief finance officer of her mega-bucks foundation—and score a monster story to salvage her career.
But Quindley’s news director assigns someone else to cover the murder investigation. She ignores the lard-ass, who wouldn’t know a solid lead if one bit him in the sporting goods section, and discovers a gang of computer hackers who are hijacking injured vets’ identities to loot her fund. Things get stickier when Quindley receives a microchip gizmo from one of the hackers before he is killed.
Plunging into a murky sea of high-stakes computer hacking, Quindley uncovers proof that the Hack Pack has unleashed a toxic computer worm designed to punch holes in government firewalls and embezzle from its largest coffers, a move that will rock the national treasury. Armed with crazy interviewing skills, a penchant for interfering in police investigations, and a six pack of Diet Mountain Dew, Quindley risks everything—her career, her reputation, even her perfect manicure—to expose the bigger scheme and show her boss she still has the goods.
YES
ReplyDeleteIt carries voice and I get a sense of the MC's personality.
No. I already dislike Quindley Dempsy.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteToo many details that together create confusion and there is something very unpleasant about the MC.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit confusing (and I almost stopped at "lard xxx") but then you hooked me with "sporting goods section" and I liked the quirky voice.
Yes. I like the voice in this and love a feisty female heroine.
ReplyDeleteNo. I felt the voice in this query letter was contrived and didn't come off as genuine.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great voice but maybe tone down voice a bit because it seems very over-the-top in a short query (but will work inthe book)
ReplyDeleteNo - you have a strong voice and I want to like Quindley, but when you mention saving her career in the same breath as avenging her friend, it doesn't endear her to me.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteVery well written query!
No. I have to know a story with hackers is technically feasible to enjoy it, and right now this doesn't offer that ressurance.
ReplyDeleteNO. Too much going on, boil down to the key elements.
ReplyDeleteNo. Like earlier posts, I just don't like Quindley at all right now, and if I don't like your MC, I'm not going to want to spend a whole book with her.
ReplyDeleteNo. She's using the untimely death of her friend to score a monster story and further her career.
ReplyDeleteYes. Not my genre but I loved the voice and laughed out loud at "bit him in the sporting goods section". If you can get that reaction from me in 3 paragraphs, I want to see what else you've got!
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked the voice but there was too much of it and using her friends death to save her career doesn't make her very endearing.
ReplyDeleteNo. The humorous, quirky voice sounds off for this plot.
ReplyDeleteNo. I want to like the MC, and do, except for the fact that she uses her friend's death to get a big story.
ReplyDeleteNO, the query doesn't resonate with me. It may be Quindley as others have said or the plot is too complicated in the query.
ReplyDeleteNo. The main character lacks focus on what she wants.
ReplyDeleteNo. The plot does seem a bit too complicated here, but it's also just not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteDespite the numerous details, the structure--character, problem, stakes, plan--were easy to follow, and I have a good sense what the book was about (even if it could lighten up a little on the plot threads).
No. The voice floated in and out, and it was jarring when a previously dispassionate 3rd person voice calls a character a "bastard" and then another "the lardass."
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteI thought the voice was great, though it could probably be toned down some in the query
No.
ReplyDeleteYou lost me in the first paragraph when you seem to imply that the murderer is already identified, so what's the mystery. The voice also seemed to come and go, specifically to come out of nowhere in the second paragraph.
No- the jargon lost me.
ReplyDeleteNo. I wanted like Quindley, I mean her voice is great, but like others have said: using a friend’s death that way just doesn’t sit right.
ReplyDeleteYes. Not my genre, but great voice. "Bit him in the sporting goods section..." Ha ha!
ReplyDeleteYes. The voice comes through really well.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think you set up the story's conflict well, but Quindley came off as too unsympathetic for me.
ReplyDeleteYes - I think there's room for improvement in the query as others suggested - particularly with making the protag a bit more endearing, but I would read on.
ReplyDeleteYes. Humorously good writing...though the manicure bit seems out of character as she's portrayed. I don't expect war reporters to have manicures.
ReplyDeleteNo. Premise sounded interesting but the murdered friend has no real impact on Quindley's character, and focus went from the rehab clinic murder to a computer virus.
ReplyDeleteYes. Clean up the plot elements and ensure Quindley's voice is appropriate.
ReplyDeleteNo. It was close, what with 'sporting goods' and 'six pack of DMD', but the story as presented seems a far-fetched jumble. Needs focusing.
ReplyDeleteYES. Love the voice and the premise.
ReplyDeleteYes...be sure to revise with great suggestions provided from above critters.
ReplyDeleteYes. Great voice and concept. I would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteYES. Enjoyed the humor. Be sure to revise using excellent crits above.
ReplyDeleteYes. Love the voice and humor. Would read more.
ReplyDeleteYes. Love the voice and humor. Would read more.
ReplyDeleteYES! There is a clear problem and high stakes. Recommend author revise using great suggestions in above crits.
ReplyDeleteNo - Grammatically, I'm not sure if the body in the rafters is the friend Quindley is out to find out who killed him/her, and the last sentence of the second paragraph sounds like Quindley dies, but I'm not sure, not enough clarity to get an idea of the story direction.
ReplyDeleteNO. I know I'm being biased, but phrases like "microchip gizmo" and "toxic computer worm" made me feel like the author doesn't know about computers (and I think you used "embezzle" wrong).
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteWith reservations. I'm hoping in the longer format of a novel Quindley doesn't piggyback her career rebound on the murder of a friend. Focusing on fewer elements in the query could make it a definite yes. I like the cheeky voice, though.
No. Very confusing and too many adjectives.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt was a bit confusing, and I had to re-read lines to track down what was connected; but I liked your voice.
No, because the plot didn't unravel in a meaningful or convincing way, and then we hit the manicure reference.
ReplyDelete