TITLE: A Shadow Story
GENRE: YA Victorian Fantasy
Lividia lay awake, gazing at the ceiling past the posts of her bed, wondering what secrets her mother never told her. At seventeen, she had learned to live without her, learned to be a proper young lady, with proper goals and dreams. But there was always something there, an uncertainty that plagued upon her mind.
She pondered for hours, until the wick of her candle had burnt down, and the wax filled the dish. The shadows cast were long and gaping, engulfing most of the room, except for the halo of light around her side of the bed. Within that vast amount of shadow something stirred, but Lividia didn’t notice, for she had fallen asleep.
In her dream she was looking upon herself sleeping in her bed. Beside it was a figure just a little taller than she was, with charcoal hair and skin so pale that it was almost white. Only a face, and gray, fingerless gloves, but she could tell it was a man. He was dressed in a dark blue jacket with a high collar and loose bowtie. Shadows consumed the lower half of him, making it too obscure to see.
His face was hidden by the angle that she was watching from. But as she drew closer, she saw his hands were clasped. His hair fell to the collar of his jacket and was woven like a doll’s, separated into thick locks, fat and soft as yarn.
Effective scene-setting and the language sounds appropriately formal and dated for the time period without being stilted. I am curious to know who the figure is but might be more so had it not been made clear that this was a dream. If I wondered - is he really there? - then it might be more powerful. One other thing, I think very quickly you need to give some sense of who the narrator is and what is her problem because she's a little unformed right now. But, as I said, sophisticated and effective writing. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThis writing is pure poetry, and it immediately pulled me in. I love the simile of the doll at the end. I'd definitely keep reading. I agree with Happy Dolphin that Lividia is a bit unformed at this point, but that doesn't bother me. Given the literary style of the writing, I think it's okay to take a little more time revealing the character.
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicky things: At the end of the first paragraph, "plagued upon her mind" sounded stilted; I'd change it to "plagued her mind." Also, I was pulled out of the point-of-view character's head by the phrase "Lividia didn’t notice, for she had fallen asleep." That's a tough transition to make effectively. Could she be fighting sleep, but feel herself falling into a dream? Just something to keep it in her point of view.
get rid of the backstory, drags you down. i bet this piece will shine if you do, can add it a bit later
ReplyDeleteStrong writing here. I agree with the others that the POV shift when she falls asleep is jarring. Is there away to show her dream from inside her POV instead of outside looking in?
ReplyDeleteI don't think starting with a dream is such a good thing. You introduce the character too vaguely with too much backstory, but there seems to be no real problem. The writing is wonderful though.
ReplyDeleteThe voice and scene setting is spot on. It reminds me of DANGEROUS BEAUTY.
ReplyDeleteThough I like the writing, I ultimately come down on the side of form rejection. It's another YA novel that begins with a character in bed and dreaming. I really like the atmosphere you've created and it's something I'd look at further if I saw more action or character development in the beginning, rather than a dream.
ReplyDeleteThis read easily for me, the opening paragraph was strong. I didn't mind that it started with the main character lying awake, but it does feel cliche when she describes a dream. I was hoping she was lying awake because of regular worries, not because of a dream. I would keep reading though, I like the pacing.
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