TITLE: THE BOOTLEGGER'S DAUGHTER
GENRE: YA Historical Thriller
I never thought of myself as a criminal. Just a girl trying to stay one step ahead. That wasn’t easy in a business dominated by men, most of them bullies, scoundrels, or thieves. I met plenty who were all three in my racket, which was bootleg whiskey. Not your ordinary summer job for a teenage girl, I suppose, but the last thing I wanted to be was ordinary.
“Tiny! Delivery!” Aunt Marie shouted. I’d come out to the alley behind her neighborhood grocery store to sneak a smoke, but I had one foot wedged in the door to the stock room, where I was supposed to be unpacking boxes of Kellogg’s Shredded Krumbles and Toasted Corn Flakes. After one last drag on my cigarette, I threw it down into the dust and ground it out with the heel of my scuffed black oxford. I hated to waste half a Chesterfield, but deliveries meant tips—and tips meant tuition money. After a quick glance in each direction to make sure nobody had seen me, I slipped back inside.
At the counter, Aunt Marie was filling two brown paper sacks with groceries. “How many boxes did you unpack?”
“Um, two.” I slipped off the white Gianetti’s Market apron and hung it up behind the counter.
“That’s it?” As I got closer to her, she picked her head up and sniffed the air. Her brown eyes went beady. “Have you been smoking again?”
“No,” I lied. “One of Daddy’s customers was, and I was helping to load his car."
I liked the opening paragraph, but I'm immediately wondering what era this is? Because I don't think the word "teenage" didn't come into vogue until the 1950s, which would've been after prohibition, when I'm guessing your story is set.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the rest of it. I'm kind of not sure I like this character. And, if it's the height of prohibition, and into the Depression, tuition money seems a little weak reason--she'd probably be trying to stay fed if this is in the Depression.
The voice is different here. I think you've done a good job of showing me the character. Your character sounds a bit like a male, but that (I'm pretty sure) is what you're going for. Really interesting character and voice here. I'd probably keep reading to see where you take me.
ReplyDeleteLast thing I want to be is ordinary...show us that, don't tell us. Otherwise, would keep reading
ReplyDeleteI thought the voice was very authentic - sounded young without falling into the trap of trying too hard to be young so that's good. It also has an orderliness to it instead of a scattering of random thoughts so that makes me trust the storyteller is capable of being a good guide. I found it a bit disconcerting to bring up bootlegging and then have it disappear from the rest of the excerpt. As the first commenter said, the word "teenage" does not belong in this time period if it is pre-1950's. I am also not sure of when it is set and the tuition reference likewise jarred me. People scraping to survive ususally don't think past their next meal. But, I did think the writing was first rate.
ReplyDeleteI like the content and the idea of the manuscript a lot but I did feel like the voice was a bit old sounding for YA.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a few more pages to see where it's going.
Oh my gosh, I love this. And I'm guessing the character has to sound old because she's working with bootleggers. I would absolutely keep reading. Seems like a unique premise, too!
ReplyDeleteI love it. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI am also unsure of the time period, though. If it is prohibition, there are a few terms that feel a lot more modern.
I enjoyed the voice, too. She's sounding like a resourceful character, which usually earns points IMO
ReplyDeleteI really like this opening. I agree with the others that I couldn't quite place the era yet. Also, and this may just be my non-descriptive self, but I felt like there were a ton of details, which did a great job establishing the setting, but I kept trying to figure out whether the cereal or the type of cigarette was important. But I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked everything but the first paragraph; I read that, and thought to myself, show, don't tell. This information isn't useful to me as a reader yet.
ReplyDeleteThe action in the following paragraphs I loved.
I like the uniqueness of this and the voice. My one sticking point was that you used too many descriptions in the second paragraph. It was overwhelming for this early into the novel.
ReplyDeleteI love your character's voice, and the historical era you've chosen. It's nice to see that there are a few other people writing YA historical instead of fantasy or paranormal these days. I'd definitely want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI looked it up in the OED, and the word "teenage" is recorded as entering the language in 1921, so it wouldn't be a historical anachronism to include it in a story set in the Twenties or early Thirties.
I liked the voice which was young but had the grown-up quality that would naturally come with someone in a business with older men and having to learn quickly the ways of the wrong side of the law. Bootleg makes me think Prohibition so I am guessing 1920's. I guess if it was moonshine that could be anytime at all - even today. I thought the debate over teenage was interesting so I think it bears some checking. It was used once in 1921 according to the OED as someone said but every other site I googled said it did not enter popular speech until after World War 2. So, why use a modern word to denote something at a time when not everyone had the luxury of a time period between age 12 and adulthood (ie teenage years). In earlier and harder times, it was not unusual for people - boys especially - to be working at 12 or 14. So, I would drop the teenage as well. They never used the word on The Waltons and they had a house full of teenagers! :) What more can you ask for haha :)
ReplyDeleteForm rejection. First, the main character spends too much time telling me about the bootleg whiskey instead of bootlegging it on screen. Second, at the time of Prohibition, the word "teenage" wasn't really in vogue. It didn't come into popular use in the 1950s. If I'm seeing this one historical inaccuracy right off the bat, there must be more.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting time that we don't see a lot of in YA. Add that the fact that you seem to have a girl who aspires to higher education in the Prohibition era and is going about unsavory means to obtain the tuition money could make for a really wonderful story. But it'll need a lot of cleanup before it's ready for prime time.
I like the voice and the concept (I wholly support historical YA!).
ReplyDeleteI'm sure some of you all know there are a few YA series set in teh 1920s now - Bright Young Things is one and the other I'm forgetting. But bottlegging doesn't seem to be a central theme so it's worth exploring.