TITLE: Savage Light
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Dear Agent,
Fifteen-year-old Gwen has never traveled away from her rural, border town. She has never seen a city or magic, never known love or even friendship. She is an orphan, isolated by cruel guardians and a stutter that leaves her silent or ashamed. She is beat down, laughed at and tormented.
Someone even tries to murder her. For fun.
But all this changes when a savage voice only she can hear incites her to fight back, unleashing wildly destructive magic she didn’t know she possessed and turning her into a murderess on the run. She's thrust out into the world, barely able to speak and haunted by her freakish ability to slaughter people--and worse, the savage voice inside that enjoys it.
When her first and only friend, Ehrlich, is captured by her pursuers, Gwen is determined to rescue him. Unfortunately she is attacked by footpads and her only key to Ehrlich’s rescue is stolen. Gwen convinces a lighthearted young thief named Kit to help her steal the items back--the first time she’s ever talked anyone into anything.
It’s a good thing Kit likes dancing with danger because around Gwen, the music never stops. She's still wanted for murder, hunted by angry thieves, and planning on invading a gang’s hideout.
Oh, and if she loses her temper, she just might blow up the whole city.
My young adult novel SAVAGE LIGHT is complete at 92,000 words.
No. This query has a lot of query cliches. "She has never seen...," "But all this changes...," and "...and worse..." Also, I got lost around the third paragraph. What are footpads? What is the key to saving her friend? It's an interesting concept but needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteYES. The voice in the query rings loud and clear and I would love to have it guiding me through a would novel.
ReplyDelete~Sarah F.
No. Conflict starts too late in query and overuse of word 'savage.'
ReplyDeleteNo. Aside from the cliches, I was confused. You say early on that Gwen does have friends, but then later in the query she has Ehrlich.
ReplyDeleteNO. I found the plot confusing, and was turned off by Gwen becoming a savage murderess halfway through.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the wittty wording in the last half but the first half is too cliche.
ReplyDeleteNo. I love the premise and potential fantasy/horror crossover potential, but there are too many cliches here for me to not feel wary as a reader.
ReplyDeleteYES. This story sounds like fun, but I would shred most of those first three paragraphs if I were you; they're all backstory.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't get it. There's little focus, and we're missing a transition from little, lost orphan to killer.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query is so long and has a lot of cliches. Plus, it took too long to get the meat of the story. The focus needs work.
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree that there are too many cliches and the use of footpads means nothing to those unfamiliar with your world, but overall I liked the premise, and some of your lines ("Someone even tries to murder her. For fun." & "It's a good thing Kit likes dancing with danger because around Gwen, the music never stops.") really drew me in.
ReplyDeleteNO, the story sounds interesting, but too many vague terms lose me and draw me out of the query.
ReplyDeleteNo. There are parts of this that have potential to be interesting, but it isn't highlighted here and I don't get a good sense of the main character or her specific struggle.
ReplyDeleteNo, this is reading too much like a synopsis.
ReplyDeleteNo. I didn't get a sense of the world and I don't know what the main conflict is.
ReplyDeleteNo. Main character is not at all sympathetic.
ReplyDeleteYes - there are some issues, as mentioned above, but the last full paragraph is enough to catch my interest.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteIt was very close for me, but i just felt like i didn't quite get a good enough grasp on her magic and some of the worldbuilding
Yes. But just barely. This sounds like it would be a great story and the writer has a fantastic voice but the opening paragraph (with the exception of the stutter) was so cliche and the "for fun" line felt melodramatic. I was on the fence but the writing toward the end caught me and made me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like that Gwen has a stutter, and I feel the stakes are very clear.
ReplyDeleteYes. But barely. Lose the first paragraph. It was boring and had no voice. The rest sung loud with voice and redeemed my interest.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI was turned off by pity-begging orphan launching straight into savage murderess, and I'm not clear on the nature of her magic or of the conflict beyond "save Ehrlich."
No- the opening was weak and didn't really hold me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteFelt like an implausible leap to me, from silent and ashamed to murderess and then still be the heroine. I didn't like her once the word "murderess" came into play.
There were punctuation issues, too that would make me worry about the ms.
No - too many cliches and grammar errors. Also, I just can't get into reading a book where you're trying to convince the reader that a murderer is a heroine. It's like comparing Carrie to Superman. I was also confused by what other commenters stated they were confused by...first stating she has no friends, but enter Ehlrich and Kit. What are footpads and shouldn't the name be capitalized? "...Kit to help her steal the items back..." Did I miss something? What items??
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteStrong on the basis of fantastic opening description of the MC's lot in life, but the query stumbles into convoluted territory mid-way. Unsure of main conflict & why I should care.
No. Hard to imagine her being likeable after 'murderess'.
ReplyDeleteMaybe, a very wobbly maybe, if the voice was a clear 'other' that was making her do it and she must find a way to stop it, but not this.
No. Not sure what's going on with this story.
ReplyDeleteNo. Calling your MC a murderess isn't appealing, and I feel the crux of your story starts halfway through the query: 'When her ..."
ReplyDeleteYes, but I'm wavering. The query has nice highlights ('For fun.', 'savage voice inside'), but suffers from too much synopsis, not enough conflict/motivation.
ReplyDeleteNo, but barely.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the idea of the MC going from shy to serial killer without explanation. If the reason for that transformation started the query, it would have been a yes.
Shame on all you authors who don't know a footpad is a highwayman, or a bandit, who travels on foot.
Yes. I'm intrigued by the transformation from stuttering Gwen to murderess Gwen. But I would like something in there to make us still feel sympathetic for "bad" Gwen.
ReplyDeleteNo. Lacking Voice and a sympathetic MC who seems ordinary.
ReplyDeleteNo. Another query with a very detailed setup and no story.
ReplyDeleteNo. There was too much setup and I found myself confused at times (what is a footpad?).
ReplyDeleteNo for me. The story looks interesting enough, but I don't think you should start with world building when a person has been murdered for fun. It seems like you should start at a part that packs a real punch.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI'm not seeing a reason to connect to Gwen, I think the story is there, it just isn't showing in this blurb.
No. Too much backstory, needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteNo - the story itself doesn't stand out, sounds like I've read it before numerous times.
ReplyDeleteYes. But only because the core concept sounds interesting...the query is too wordy. I had to work to figure out what's going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first paragraph needs to be condensed, possibly cut out completely. The story starts when Gwen's powers are unleashed. I like the idea of the voice is her head. I don't like how you first say she's a murderess on the run, and then that she's "thrust out into the world." I like the part about convincing Ehrlich to her her. I don't like the ending.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess what I'm saying is that there IS something interesting here, and I'm intrigued by it, but the query needs some work.
Yes. I like the central conceit, and I'd be interested in reading on, but the first few paragraphs could still use tightening.
ReplyDeleteNo. All the passive sentences (e.g., "When her first and only friend, Ehrlich, is captured..." and "Unfortunately she is attacked...") made me worry that the manuscript would need some work.
ReplyDelete