TITLE: GUIDE DOG
GENRE: YA thriller
Fifteen year old Irene’s got problems. Being skinny, homely and acne-prone is just a small part of what’s making her miserable, but thanks to the girls in high school it’s the biggest thing in her life. Sometimes it seems like the world (including her mother, sister and former and current schools) have rendered their verdict-she’s a mess with a capital M.
But when her mother insists she take a summer job, she finds herself working for Cyrus Wozniack, a scientist who spends his hours running DNA samples and using them to create serums, pills and creams for the purpose of transforming the recipient. And he’ll let Irene sample his wares. The only caveat is that she has to be his collector, which means traveling with Cyrus’s creepy son to collect DNA samples. Okay, it’s a little weird, but it seems harmless. At first.
But when two of her targets turn up dead, she begins to realize just where her usefulness lies. Not so much as a collector, but as a guide dog. And with that realization comes another-she can use her newfound role to get back at her tormentors. But will the price prove too high?
Yes. I want to read this! But watch your first paragraph. It's telling and I don't think you need it. I'm hooked by the rest.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteNot enough focus in the description to let me get a handle on what the arc of the story is.
YES
ReplyDeleteYou grabbed my attention with smooth writing;this query is short and sweet.
Yes - sounds like a fun story with a good voice.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by Irene ("she's a mess with a capital M" - LOL)and the mad scientist angle. This feels fresh and different, great voice is injected into this blurb. I want to read the pages. Well done.
Yes. But barely because of confusing "it" references in first graph.
ReplyDeleteNO. I liked it up until Guide Dog. I don't know what you're trying to get me to thing with that phrase.
ReplyDeleteNO. I really wanted to like this, but I got confused by the plot - why is Irene a guide dog?
ReplyDeleteNo. You lost me with the description of a girl like almost any other girl, but almost yes after that.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like that she could use her new position to get back at her tormentors and I totally get the guide dog line.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's maybe a little too much focus on backstory, which makes me worry about the pacing of your story. I was also confused about the connection between Irene working with Cyrus' son and her being a guide dog.
ReplyDeleteYes. But that first paragraph felt like a little too much backstory to wade through.
ReplyDeleteNO. I liked the bit where she learned she was a guide dog, but this is mostly backstory; I don't get a sense of where the story actually goes.
ReplyDeleteYes - but only if you ditch the first paragraph. Yes, the entire thing. It's wasted words that you could use to add to the interesting and important things that come afterward.
ReplyDeleteYes. You almost lost me with the first paragraph, but I found the rest of it intriguing.
ReplyDeleteYes. The query does lack focus and it's unclear what her role is in this triangle. I would stay away from generic character descriptions. But a good premise and good conflict.
ReplyDeleteNo. While the story sounds interesting, I wasn't hooked. I want more information on the plot.
ReplyDeleteYes, but just barely. Cut out most of your description and give us more meat.
ReplyDeleteYES, but you don't need the first paragraph because it is too vague.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much back story, and I'm not clear on how she's going to get back at her tormenters or what the main conflict is.
ReplyDeleteYes, but query needs work. Shorten first graph, explain how Irene is a guide dog (is she choosing the people who will give the DNA samples? unclear) and clarify if Irene benefits from using the creams, etc. bc if she does, why doesn't everyone else??
ReplyDeleteNo. Like some other posts above, you had me up until the whole guide dog thing--I have no idea what you're talking about there, so maybe you should try to explain it more/differently.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteThe premise seems intriguing enough for me that i would definitely give this a shot
No. Never ask questions in your query!
ReplyDeleteYes, because I love the story and I'd want to read it, but the query needs clean up. The opening paragraph could be made much shorter and sweeter and lead quicker into the meat of the plot. I also didn't understand the guide dog phrase and felt it was uneccessary. Also the last paragraph needs nothing more than the first sentence to draw you in. The rest is scrap.
ReplyDeleteNo. But if the whole query had been as unique and specific as that second paragraph, I would have said yes.
ReplyDeleteYes. I thought the final paragraph was a bit confusing, but the first two paragraphs were clear and unique and gave me a good sense of Irene and the plot of the story.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first paragraph is generic and the last one doesn't tell me enough about the plot for me to be hooked.
ReplyDeleteYes--but barely. It sounds like a great concept, but I would leave out the top paragraph.
ReplyDeleteYes, but shrink that first paragraph, and the last paragraph is confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI don't want you to ask the rhetorical question of "will the price be too high"; I want you to tell me what the price is and then tell me why that's a problem and what she needs to do about it.
No. I don't understand how she is guide dog, or how she will get back at her tormenters. I also saw too many grammatical errors.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe DNA sample "targets" are people ending up dead?
And I don't get the guide dog part. Is his son blind? And how does this help get back at her tormentors?
I liked the voice, but it loses focus a few times.
No. This was right on the line, but the last paragraph sent me over the no cliff.
ReplyDeleteNO but close to a Yes - liked the voice but lost me at guidedogs.
ReplyDeleteYes- I'd read more but I'm cautious- not quite sure it's all there.
ReplyDeleteYes. I would shorten the first paragraph b/c you just descrined every 15 year old girl, but I get it. I would read the first few pages. Though I didn't like the term "Guide Dog," but other than that, sounds unique!
ReplyDeleteNo. The first paragraph seemed to contradict itself. And there's got to be some angle to him wanting her as a guide to the DNA samples. What is it?
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI'm left with too many questions as to the exact tone and direction of the novel -- is she a literal guide dog (is the son blind? does she have some sixth sense for seeking out subjects? If not, it seems like an odd assertion to make), is the scientist using magic (ie: transforming the recipient), how will she use her role to get back at tormentors?
No. Very nearly a yes. Lost me at guide dog.
ReplyDeleteYes. Fairly good writing, promising a strong plot.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first two paragraphs you nailed it and then I sort of went 'huh?" at the third with mention of guide dog, and how that would get back at her tormentors, and I didn't get a feeling of 'thriller' in the query.
ReplyDeleteNO. The science as presented seems magical and I'm having a hard time gathering the tone of the book.
ReplyDeleteYES,
ReplyDeletebut only because I hope there's something more to this. How is she useful as a "guide dog?" What is her new-found role? Confusing query, but the story has promise.
Yes. I think the premise is interesting. But the last bit lost me. Like other people said, the guide dog bit was confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. But give the first paragraph more Voice and less 'ordinary girl' and the premise looks great. Just needs a better hook.
ReplyDeleteYes, just barely. I think there's a really cool story in here, mostly because of the second paragraph, but the first paragraph is so generic that it's almost meaningless.
ReplyDeleteBased on the second paragraph alone, it would be a definite yes.
No. It was promising, but you lost me with "guide dog" since I have no idea what that means.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI started out no, there may be a bit too much back story in the beginning, but the twist in the end pulled me in.
No - I was confused by the last paragraph, and the first paragraph failed to hook me. It was a close one, though.
ReplyDeleteYes, but it was a close call. The premise sounds good but the language needs tightening (the parenthetical statement in para 1, "okay, it's a little weird", etc) - also no real sense of what being a "guide dog" entails and why she's good at it.
ReplyDeleteYes. While I'm not sure why she's a "guide dog" the story takes a cliche (social outcast) and creates an interesting twist (assisstant to mad scientist!)
ReplyDeleteYes - Clear conflict, logical progression towards a climax, and an interesting premise.
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's close. The last paragraph confuses me, and I feel like there are implications of BIG THINGS that I'm just not getting, things that would make me go, "Oh my god, SEND IT!"
ReplyDeleteYes, but with caveats, as I like the premise and the move away from the high school setting more than I like that first paragraph.
ReplyDelete