TITLE: Blame It on Vegas
GENRE: Category Romance
Dear Miss Snark’s First Victim,
To fulfill her grandmother’s only — and possibly last — wish, an aimless screw-up blackmails a driven-to-succeed veteran into obeying their long-ago (and nearly forgotten) Vegas wedding vows. Neither is prepared for what happens when acting married turns into the real deal in "Blame It on Vegas," my 60,000-word Harlequin American contemporary romance.
Gwen Duvall is a constant disappointment to her family, except her grandmother. Now, she has a chance to make her grandmother proud, if Gwen can just convince her “husband” to help out. Former Air Force pilot Ross Collins is struggling to save Lyons Industries when Gwen shows up and insists that their divorce (after a quickie Vegas wedding) wasn’t legal. She says she’ll take half of his company unless he pretends to be her husband to please her grandmother and to earn the respect of her family. Ross can’t risk the company he started to honor the man who died saving his life. The agreement the couple come to is immediately challenged by sharing the “honeymoon” RV at a family reunion. Then his company gets swallowed by another, while her grandmother nearly dies. To make it through each crisis, Gwen and Ross turn to each other until they realize that their quickie wedding has become a lifetime of love.
NO
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph was confusing because it sounded like a bunch of back story--which you don't need in a query--and the second paragraph I did not connect with the MC, nor did I quite understand her goals.
YES
ReplyDeleteThe story sounds like it has a lot of twists which will entertain the reader
No. It all feels a bit complicated, with too much going on, and I feel like you've told me the end in the second paragraph anyway - there's no mystery left.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI can't connect with the characters or follow the plot of the story in a way that makes me want to read the pages. Sorry.
No. Your query is confusing and repeats some information, which makes me think your novel will likely follow suit.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteInstead of making us think "how on earth will they sort that mess out?" by highlighting conflict and tension, you gave away the ending.
No. I couldn't get past the first sentence without thinking that the rest of the book would be a mess.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteNothing says romance and fun to me like blackmail and a stalking ex.
No - because it sounds almost identical to that Ashton Kutcher movie, I think it was called 'What Happens in Vegas'
ReplyDeleteNo. The writing isn't that good. There are a few typos and grammar mishaps which makes me think the novel will suffer from the same affliction.
ReplyDeleteNo. The opening paragraph was confusing, and the second paragraph seems to just list events (including, as others have pointed out, the ending), so I just couldn't get into this.
ReplyDeleteNo. I had to read the first sentence several times before I could figure out what it was saying.
ReplyDeleteNO. Your first paragraph just rehashes stuff you talk about in the 2nd - get rid of some duplication and streamline your query, and you might have it.
ReplyDeleteNo. Agree that the first para is too confusing - just jump into the action - and give us a better sense of Gwen, not just a synopsis of what happens.
ReplyDeleteNo. While the story sounds interesting, the query lacks flow which would make me question the writing in the novel.
ReplyDeleteNo. Besides all the telling in the first paragraph, you lost me in the first sentence and I'll tell you why:
ReplyDeleteIf it's the only wish her grandmother ever made, it HAS to be the last (and the first, for that matter). This kind of overwriting doesn't bode well for the manuscript.
And yes, people totally pick up on things like that.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe query seems to start twice, and whereas all the backstory is explained twice, the height of conflict (company swallowed and grandmother almost dying) are just glossed over, leaving me without a real sense of how the crises affect them (other than that they make it through just fine).
No. Your first sentence is too long, too vague, and too confusing.
ReplyDeleteYes. Although the author should have left us hanging as to the ending relationship of the hero and heroine, the story itself sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteYES, I may be in the minority but I like the first paragraph and this sounds ideal for a category line.
ReplyDeleteNo. Repeated info and the second paragraph contains the entire novel synopsis.
ReplyDeleteYes. I would eliminate most of the first paragraph but I think the second one fits into the genre requirements just fine.
ReplyDeleteYes. This sounds like it would fit into category romance.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentences in the first paragraph are complex and vague enough that I got confused (though the 2nd para tells me the story has potential).
ReplyDeleteNo. The setup in the first paragraph was fine, but there was awkward writing in the second and you gave away too much of the plot without making me care about your characters--and it wasn't clear whether she was lying that they were still married or not.
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeletethe first paragraph was confusing and a turn off, and you gave away the ending so i don't have to read the MS to find out what happens
No- First paragraph gives me little detail to draw me in and the second loses me near the end.
ReplyDeleteNo, for much the same reason as Dayspring.
ReplyDeleteGot as far as the first paragraph and instantly thought of 'that Ashton Kutcher movie'. Completely glazed over by the time I'd reached the end of the second paragraph.
Yes. The premise hooks me. The writing, however, definitely needs some polish.
ReplyDeleteNo, because I can't see myself liking Gwen. She's a constant screw up with a quickie vegas wedding whose willing to blackmail her ex. She can be flawed, but needs to have some endearing qualities.
ReplyDeleteNo - the different elements seem disjointed, and it's not clear what's at risk if they fail at their pretending.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think this author has done a good job of outlining a complicated story and it's one I would enjoy reading.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteConfusing first paragraph and then I got lost again at "can't risk the company he started to honor the man who died saving his life."
a: the saving his life thing came out of nowhere
b: that makes him sound like a douche
She already sounded manipulative. I don't like either of them at that point.
No. The first paragraph was too confusing. The second paragraph seemed unfocused.
ReplyDeleteNo. I hard a hard time getting past the first paragraph. Focus the writing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I had to reread multiple parts to get a clear understanding on what was going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. First paragraph was a problem for me as well. I liked the premise, but I haven't seen the movie referred to above, so...
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteI like the blend of serious problems and potentially quirky humor.
Yes. I believe the plot has a lot of potential to fit in with her target market.
ReplyDeleteNo. I already know how it ends!
ReplyDeleteNO. The two paragraphs repeat the same information, and neither of them were easy for me to follow.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteThe story sounds like it would keep a readers interest until the very end.
No, because the opening doesn't read like it's about people, only sets of characteristics.
ReplyDelete