TITLE: The Hidden
GENRE: Upper MG Fantasy
Dear Mr. Agent:
Dagny’s life as a social outcast is cemented when her mom’s bloody vision of the most popular girl at school comes true. But its her mom’s next vision – the death of her dad – that changes everything.
With her dad presumed dead, Dagny and her mom leave spiteful neighbors and vengeful classmates behind and return to her mom’s childhood home. But Alyria is not just a normal city on the other side of the island. It’s a hidden city that the elves created to teach humans to become like them. Soon Dagny finds something she’s never had before – a group of friends who prove to be valuable allies when she starts having visions of her own.
Following an attack on Steinn, one of the city’s leaders, the people of Alyria blame the elves and demand their exile. Amid the chaos, Steinn accuses Dagny of being an elf sympathizer and threatens to have her sent back to the human world with her memories of Alyria erased. Desperate to stay in a place she has grown to love and with people she cares about, she tries to expose Steinn as a traitor, but instead unleashes a creature who could cost her more than just her memories.
I am pleased to submit for your consideration my upper middle grade fantasy, THE HIDDEN, complete at 66,000 words. THE HIDDEN is inspired by legends passed from one generation to the next by my Icelandic ancestors about a group called ‘the hidden people’.
No. I really like that this story is based on your family legends, but I don't see how Dagny's visions connect with the rest of the story. It feels like this is two different books.
ReplyDeleteYES. I also write upper MG fantasy and this blend of contemporary, ancient and fantastical sounds great.
ReplyDelete~Sarah F.
No. I like the idea of the story being based on Icelandic legends, but I found the query slightly confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't know if this is a story about Dagney's life in Alyria or about murder and death in the 'real' world.
ReplyDeleteNO. I, too, liked the tie in to your family legends, but the query seemed confusing between her life in the real world, and Alyria.
ReplyDeleteNo. The plot feels too scattered between the real world and the Alyria.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query was too confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. The backstory threw me off. Actually, when I thought the story was centered on the first paragraph, I was intrigued. When I realized it was backstory, I became disappointed.
ReplyDeleteNo. You need to be more clear in your world building, because this was hard to follow.
ReplyDeleteNO. The world details and the flow of the story were hard for me to follow; I'm not sure I understand what the story's really about.
ReplyDeleteNo. Very long and didn't flow well. All the comments above nail it.
ReplyDeleteNO, the story is interesting, but I got lost on the world building.
ReplyDeleteYes, but only because I like the premise. The query was confusing and had no sense of a main conflict.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many characters/details without real focus on conflict.
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a firm grasp on the plot and the conflict, it was just a bit too vague and confusing for me
YES. I also really liked the premise, the character has some interesting conflicts but it did feel like two different stories. The query needs some work to blend them more seamlessly together.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteSorry. I got lost in the query. The third paragraph really pulled me away from the story. If the city of Alyria was built by the elves I was confused who was threatening to exile them.
No.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I wanted to like it, the world building and premise were sort of rambly and hard to follow, and what seemed to be the issue at first (death visions) gets replaced halfway through with human/elf politics and randomly unleashing some kind of creature that didnt' figure in before and wasn't tied into the conflict at all.
No. And I hate saying that because the story sounds good, but the query was jumbled. At first I thought this was just a psychic story, then you throw in elves and it lost me. The conflict and world need to be clearer.
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked the first two paragraphs, but you lost me at the end when you mentioned Dagny being accused of being an elf-sympathizer. I hadn't realized the elves were the enemies. So I'm a little confused about your main conflict.
ReplyDeleteYes- The opening line drew me in.
ReplyDeleteNo. World-building was buried and backstory needs tightening; we need to know setting upfront and stakes sooner.
ReplyDeleteNo, for all the above reasons.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea what you were talking about in the first paragraph, it sounded like a slasher or paranormal or something. Then there are elves. I didn't get it.
No - I like the concept but I think the query needs focus on the main story arc.
ReplyDeleteYES! The query reads a bit like a synopsis, but the heart of it is strong: finding a place where she belongs, and fighting to keep it. I also like that it is based on your own heritage.
ReplyDeleteNo. Confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. The names felt like an overload of information I didn't yet understand, and to me it all just blurred together, needs to be shortened to pull out the strengths.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many hints, not enough concrete information.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like an interesting premise, but the characters' introductions here confused me, and I don't know how they're significant to Dagny or her adopted town.
No - I don't understand what the visions have to do with the rest of the story, and the setting isn't clear if it's a portal story, urban fantasy, or secondary world.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not sure why the whole town knows about mom's bloody visions, so that hung me up, plus I'd need context for the elves to see how your take is different (santa claus elves are very different than Lord of the Rings elves).
ReplyDeleteNo. Interesting concept, but the query feels disjointed and a tad bit confusing to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. You lost me at elves.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much backstory (and the backstory was more grabbing to me than the actual plot).
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much about her mother suggests the main character is inactive.
ReplyDeleteNo. To be honest, I didn't read past the first paragraph. I had to read that first sentence three or four times before I understood it, and the second features a typo ("its" instead of "it's") and a query cliche ("changes everything").
ReplyDelete(Sorry, Authoress, but this comment needed two sentences!)