Wednesday, March 7, 2012

March Secret Agent #21

TITLE: Blame It On The Bront√ęs
GENRE: Romance

Anne Bronson pressed her foot on the accelerator—the truck did nothing. Not even a lurch. No good gas-guzzling piece of crap. There should have been plenty of fuel to get to the house. A cavern opened up in her stomach. Did Jeff Gordon get this pit in his gut when he ran out of gas resulting in his big loss at the New Hampshire Speedway? Anne’s race was even bigger. Twenty minutes till midnight. Damn.

Hauling out her purse and overnight bag, she climbed down from the truck. She kicked a tire and let out a small scream as she saw the damage her instinctive motion caused to her black leather Manolo Blahniks. Tapping her fingernails against her teeth, she looked up and down the dark road. No headlights. No life. No sound. With a deep sigh, she began walking. Two miles to the house. She had twenty minutes to get there. In six-inch heels. Looking skyward, she muttered, “Hey, Mom, you up there? If you are, I need a little help right about now.”

Suddenly, headlights crested over a hill in front of her. Anne blew a kiss skyward. “Thanks, Mom. Always could count on you.”

She put down her purse and bag and moved to the middle of the road, waving her hands, hoping to be spotted before the car either mowed her down or went whizzing on by. This was a million dollar hitchhike.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like this...although you could take out the Did Jeff Gordan to Anne's race was even bigger. We can get that stuff a little later. Otherwise, you're nailing it

Terah Shelton said...

Hooked...but I have a few issues. I love shoes and there's NO way I'm kicking tires with my Manolos. LOL! Also, I would take out the four line...resuling in his big loss'. Other than that, I would read on. Great job!

Danielle La Paglia said...

I stopped to read this one just from the title alone. I am having a hard time pegging this character, though. Why is she driving a crap truck, thinking about Nascar, and wearing Manolos? Those things don't seem to go together for me. I do like the last two lines and would at least read a few more pages to find out where she's going at midnight.

Miranda Liasson said...

Love your title, feel your character's urgency and frustration about her piece of crap car, love the appeal to her deceased mom, love the midnight deadline...I'm hooked! Nice job!

A Little Push said...

Great job! This was a fun read. Two little things: "A cavern opened up in her stomach" made me think she was hungry. Seemed like it should have been more of a tightening of her stomach to reflect what was happening. Also, I read that if you take out "suddenly", whatever you were describing (here, the car appearing over the hill) will happen more suddenly.

Good luck!

Secret Agent said...

Form rejection. One reason is personal: I've never read anything by any of the Brontes, so I'm probably not a good fit for any novel in which they play a role, major or minor. Second, I'm not getting a good picture of who your main character is. I feel like even though she's racing to get somewhere, I don't have a sense of why.

Patty said...

I am hooked!! I am so curious to find out why Anne has to get to her house by midnight. The plea to her mother was appealing. Now to find out if the vehicle will stop and if Anne will make it home in time. A definite page turner for me.

Heather said...

I did like the voice and the general writing skill. We're dropped right into a scene, which is great.

I don't know what the stakes are though. Does she actually get a million dollars if she gets to the house by midnight? Why? I need something a tad more specific to care about what's happening here.

I was confused by the crap truck and the Jeff Gordon reference compard to the Manolos. Why is she in such an awful truck? Is it hers or did she borrow it on this last leg of her trip... did she steal it?

Without stakes, despite the good quailities, I just don't care whether she gets home by midnight. I'm about as invested as I would be by someone missing curfew--crucial the teen, sure, but not to me.