Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Public Slushpile #18

TITLE: The Victorious Dead
GENRE: Space Opera

Vaslisha Tor Dain is a mercenary starship captain with a few simple rules: A good ship is better than a great man; in case of confusion always err on the side of blowing someone's head off; and never fall for a telepath or a member of her crew. And All of those are about to bite her in the ass.

Vas’s life takes a turn for the worse when she comes back to her crew after what should have been a two week pleasure trip to find out she’s actually been gone a month and has no memory of missing time. Her beloved ship, The Victorious Dead, has been sold for scrap and its pieces scattered throughout the galaxy. Plus, there are mysterious, unmarked ships blowing apart entire planets and the Commonwealth government can’t, or won’t, stop them.

And even worse, she may be falling in love with her telepathic second-in-command.

56 comments:

Pippa Jay said...

YES. It's hooked my interest enough that I'd want to read the book.

Dayspring said...

Yes. I don't read this genre much but I like the voice and humor a lot.

Loralie Hall said...

No. I don't get a clear idea of the consequences and the MC doesn't hook me as someone I'd want to follow.

A Little Push said...

NO. I think you're missing something at the end to tell us what she needs to do to triumph in the end - can she get her spaceship back? Does she need to defeat bad guys?

CourtneyC said...

Yes.

It was good setup at situation and character - but your last line completely hooked me by the amusing conflict that situation would create.

NIcole said...

No. I don't understand what the stakes are or what the story is really about.

Michael Tate said...

No. You have a good setup, but I don't know what the plot is and what the MC is going to do.

Jean Davis said...

No. I like the humor, but it feels like all set up without the stakes and how they relate to the MC.

Rick said...

Yes. I'd read the heck out of this.

Adam Heine said...

NO. All the elements are compelling, but I still don't know what happens in the story. (Side note: I'd call this sci-fi, not space opera).

Lanette said...

Yes. I don't read sci-fi or space opera, but this query is fun and full of voice. As to the stakes, her ship's been dismantled; that's all I need to know. The most important part of any query is enticing the agent to read it even if it breaks a few rules. While I'm not an agent, this query is enticing because it's fun.

Patti said...

Yes. But it was almost a no. I loved the first paragraph and the concept. You set up the voice really well, but I didn't see any real consequences or stakes in the second paragraph and the last line seems like an add on.

EmilyaNaymark said...

Yes. This has focus and it has conflict. The stakes could be clarified more - how does the fact that mysterious ships are blowing up planets affect the MC?

Liz said...

No. I'm not feeling the stakes here or what is going on.

A.C. Turcotte said...

Yes. Great voice, and this sounds like a lot of fun.

Tina Moss said...

Yes, great voice and you had me at the opening lines.

Sarah Nego(vetich) said...

Yes, but it was a squeaker. The voice won me over & 1st paragraph is great, but you need one more paragraph to tell me why this matters.

Lori M. Lee said...

Yes, but only because of the premise. I have no idea what the actual conflict of this book is.

Sarah Ahiers said...

YES
I really, really wish there was more about the conflict and consequences, but i was really hooked by her rules.

Holly Bodger said...

No. This is all setup and no story.

Miss Moppet said...

Yes. The rules were funny and fantastic and hooked me. I want to read about this character. Though I think the second paragraph lost some momentum at the end.

John Wiswell said...

Yes. There are too many stakes and how it's supposed to tie together is confusing, but the whimsy and humor make it very attractive to find out.

Kathleen Basi said...

Yes! I laughed out loud at the end of the first paragraph.

Megan C. said...

YES! I loved the first paragraph (ha!), and I enjoyed the action to come. I'd read it.

Stephsco said...

No - but so close. The last paragraph should describe what her quest is and what the stakes are. I'm envisioning Firefly with a female captain - I really want this to work for you. Good luck!

Amber said...

YES! Solid query. Hooked with just enough info to have me wanting to read this story.

Yttar said...

Yes. This sounds like an exciting story.

Jennifer said...

Yes.

I don't know anything about this genre, but the MC sounds like a real spitfire and there is great voice here.

Lisa Kessler said...

YES.

I don't read much sci-fi, but I really like the voice and the premise here... I'd read more!

Heather said...

Yes.

The voice, alone, hooked me, but the query should show the MC's goals, what she has to do to attain them, and the stakes in succeeding or failing.

SMKrafty said...

Yes- Great voice and character come through from the start.

Anonymous said...

Yes! Send this to me now.:) I love it.

Riley Redgate said...

Yes. People have voiced concerns about this query being all set-up, but imo, it's all inciting incident. If I were an agent, I'd have all I need to request!

Leah Petersen said...

Yes.

I love it. The random capitalization of "All" in the last sentence of the first paragraph threw me but it's a great concept, sharp, snappy voice, and I'd totally read on.

Amelia Loken said...

Yes.
I love the voice, the mysterious memory loss and all her "rules" blowing up in her face.

Rena said...

Yes. I love the concept, voice, and humor.

SGF said...

YES. The character and the conflict are clear and sound fun.

Anonymous said...

Yes! The voice is perfect and I think the story would be a fun read.

Aldrea Alien said...

Yes, for all the above reasons

Dale said...

Yes. Even though it seems unfinished and we have no idea what the main plot is, I love the voice and humor.

Mia K Rose said...

Yes. Though the main crux of the story seems missing (or hidden) I loved the voice coming through.

S L Jenan said...

Yes, although despite the 2nd & 3rd grafs, not because of them; you got my yes based on the 'err on the side...'

MittensMorgul said...

Yes.

I like the concept (and love the "Victorious Dead"), but I'd like to know what the consequences/choices are before committing to it. Also, word count?

Lisa said...

No. I know this is a little thing, but the "A" instead of "a" made me think this wasn't professional enough.

Huntress said...

Yes. Times a hundred LOL.
Nicely written with what ifs and OMGs scattered through out.

Lauren B. said...

YES, promises a good balance of action and humor, i.e. all around good fun.

macaronipants said...

No. I have an idea of setup and voice, but no idea what the story will be.

Elizabeth Light said...

No. I like the voice, a lot, but I don't get a good sense of the story. What does Vas want? What are the stakes?

Alaskan Ninja said...

NO. I really don't understand how there are so many yeses. I wanted to say yes, and I bet the story's great, but this is not even a query letter. It's half a query letter. Everything here could go in the first paragraph, and then tell us what she's going to do about it, or else what. I don't think an agent would request on this, no matter how great the story sounds.

CM said...

No. I LOVE the premise (and it's not even a genre I usually read), but needs more of a sense of the conflict.

Deb Smythe said...

Yes.

As others have said, the stakes and plot line are missing, but I love the premise and voice. This hooked me and that's the bottom line.

sarahwedgbrow said...

No. The writing isn't smooth enough in explaining the plot--the last sentence is tacked on carelessly.

Lindsay Kitson said...

Yes - It's the voice that got me more than anything, just enough to get over not really knowing where the story is going.

callmebecks said...

Yes. You had me on the first paragraph. The rest of it felt like it could be a little smoother, but I'm SO in anyway. :)

Krista V. said...

Yes. You could have given us a few more plot points--summarized, say, the first 100 pages instead of the first 50--but I love the voice and the premise.

BuffySquirrel said...

No, because the good stuff is all at the end.