Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #25

TITLE: Tercera
GENRE: YA Post Apocalyptic

An ex-boyfriend (Wesley) almost infected Ruby (Marking). Sam initially hid a note Wesley sent, but finally handed it over. Ruby’s mad and confused and Sam explains his reasons.

“He wants you. He tried Marking you before and it didn’t work. He thought you were his. He wants you, desperately, and he doesn’t care what happens to you or anyone else as long as he gets what he wants.”

“That’s ridiculous.” I tried to pull away but he wouldn’t release my arms. “Why would you think that’s the reason he needs to talk to me?”

“Read that note.”

“That’s not what it says.”

“I know it,” Sam said, “because it’s what I’d want. It’s what I’d want to do if I were him. That’s why I hate that little jerk. He wants what I want, and I understand it. I get it, I get him. The difference is, he’s willing to hurt you, and that I cannot forgive.”

I felt like I’d been slapped.

Sam’s golden eyes bored into me, burning me up. I’d been freezing a minute before but now heat flooded my body, leaving no room for the shivering little girl I’d been. We stood like that, staring at each other for a second. Two. Suddenly, Sam pulled me to him again, his mouth crushing mine, lips pressing urgently, moving hot against me.

Flames consumed me, coursed through me and I leaned into him, pressing against him with equal force. One of his arms held me tightly while the other moved up to my hair. His fingers slid up to cup the base of my scalp. He lifted me off the ground with his other arm, and molded me against him, and the rain covered us through it all. Too soon, he broke the contact between us and sat down cross legged. I swayed until he pulled me down to his lap, already missing something I hadn’t even known a moment before.


  1. I like this. It left me wanting to read more. I thought the "flames consumed me was a bit cliche, but I liked the idea of "missing something I hadn't even known a moment before."

  2. This was pretty hot. :) And it makes me want to know more about the story.

  3. That last sentence was amazing.

    I'm a bit confused, though, why she feels like she's been slapped after he says he's in love with her.

  4. Maybe it's being thrust into this without knowing the characters, but I, too, am a little confused. He tells her to read the note to understand why this other guys needs to talk to her, she counters, and then he answers with something that doesn't appear to tie in with the note.

    "...and the rain covered us through it all." It's raining? Where was that in the description of the scene, of the way they held each other or touched the other's hair? Rain should be apparent...and if its raining, why did he sit? Where did he sit...on the ground in the rain? That could potentially leave an awkward space between him and her as she's standing over him, might make more sense for him to pull her down with him? Maybe?

    I do like the ending, about missing something she hadn't even known.

  5. very nice! I particularly liked the dialogue, especially from Sam. I feel like a have a good handle on him s a character already, even though i just had this little bit to read.

    I didn't have any problems with confusion. Anything i didn't understand i assumed it was because i was being dropped into the middle of a MS.
    Great job!

  6. I liked the ending, and I thought the kiss was nice.

    Sam's dialogue is confusing. I'm not sure if it's because Sam's confused (I don't think so) or because Sam is having a hard time saying it, but I think cutting some of it might make his dialogue clearer.

    Up until the moment of the kiss, the writing favors a staccato rhythm, but rather than driving up the tension prior to the kiss, it keeps stopping itself. I'd suggest longer sentences up until the kiss so that when you get to that "Two." it's a real break in the rhythm and the reader will take notice.

  7. Really liked the dichotomy of emotions in this one. It's probably in an earlier part, but the rain threw me off. I hadn't realized they were outside no less in the rain.

  8. I loved this. I thought it was very well done & I felt the emotion along with Ruby. I'd read more if I could. Great job!

  9. I was all in until "shivering little girl." That pulled me way out of the story like cold water.