Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #26

TITLE: Buffalo Gal
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

Averill startled, the ends of her untied sash in her hands. “Yes. How—“

“Distraction time then. Give them more time to get her further away.”

Just as Emily’s head poked around the edge of the door, he placed his hands on either side of her head, leaned over and kissed her. The slight scratch of his stubble heightened the contrast of his soft lips as they played against hers.

The ‘oof’ and stumbling coming from the hall registered slightly then disappeared. The man could kiss, his tongue pressed agains the seam of her mouth and she let him in, tangling her tongue with his. Averill slid her hands along his chest and up, around until she reached the dark curls at the back of his head. Threading her fingers through she held him in place and kissed him back.

Some part of her heard the door click shut and steps patter away. Aiden’s hands left her head and pulled her tight against him...[readacted for PG rating]. He broke off the kiss and buried his face in the hair at her nape.

“Silence.” Not directed at her, she realized, but at the imps. A peculiar buzzing sensation surrounded them. Very different from when she had asked for a the spell.

“I—“ Averill clamped her mouth shut. She wasn’t the one who had explaining to do.


  1. An introduction would have been useful to set the scene. At first read, I thought Averill was kissing Emily. Not sure I go a sense of the paranormal bit, but as kisses go, this one drew me in. I liked the imagery.

    This sentence is a bit confusing, so you might try rewording it:
    >>Threading her fingers through she held him in place and kissed him back.<<

  2. Yes, i thought he was kissing Emily too.

    Without the intro it was a little disorientating but the kiss itself was good.

    Maybe alter "He broke off the kiss and..." as it sounds a little clunky?

    I'm intrigued as to who they are and why there is explaining needed (and also what got redacted for the PG rating obvs..)

  3. ooh i wish i knew what the redacted bit was!

    I had a hard time with this. I'm fairly certain it was because there was no intro. I thought Averil was kissing Emily, and then i didn't, and then i did again. I had to read it multiple times to figure out who was who, and i still don't know who's speaking in the second sentence or who says the "silence" line. I'm pretty sure all of this would be more clear if i'd been reading the MS up to this point and knew what was going on

  4. I'm in agreement with the others. Without an introduction, it is confusing as to who is kissing who.The dialogue, with no context, makes no sense and offers little to the scene. When whoever says "silence" are they noting the quiet, or is it a command to be quiet?

    After reading this a few more times, I kinda think Emily is someone who has seen the kiss by accident, stumbles in the hall and then closes the door--only, if this is the case, logistically, wouldn't she close the door first and *then* stumble away?

    And what needs explaining at the end? Perhaps it would all make sense in context, but isolated like this is confusing.

  5. I agree that using some names in place of the pronouns will clear up confusion of who is doign what.

    For the line about Emily's head poking around the door, the word head is used again later in the sentence. You can lose the first instance by saying she peeked around the door, or something like that. Later it's said that Aiden's hands left her head. Maybe just say Aiden's hands left her, rather than bringing the head back again :) She seems a bit disoriented, only partially hearing things like she's not fully aware. You could probably play that up in one more line, if it's Aiden and his kiss disorienting her, or something else.

  6. I was a bit confused as you didn't include a brief summary of the scene. Also, I wasn't really sure who was kissing whom? I assume it was Averill & Aiden, but who was Emily and where did she go once the kiss started?

    The actual kiss scene was very good.