TITLE: THROUGH THE WORMHOLE
GENRE: Middle grade time travel
Emily Singh looked at her team-to-be. Their faces were smeared with dirt. Zak’s eyes were bulging like a gazelle’s waiting for an arrow. The sickly glow from their nanocomputers lit up the limestone walls and bounced off the golden artifacts, making them look like Halloween zombies. The stale sandy air was tinged with the smell of the fresh grains that had been stored for the pharaoh’s afterlife. At least they might find something to eat if they couldn’t find a way out. Although, with a larger than life statue of the pharaoh glaring down at them, it would take a lot of guts to risk a curse by poking through his provisions.
She wanted to tell her team it would be alright. She wanted to tell them they would find a way out of this pyramid. She wanted to tell them that being trapped here was quantum luck and not a curse.
A week ago Emily wouldn’t have believed in curses, but then a day ago she didn’t believe in time travel. A week ago she wanted a cool coat for the first day back at school. She wanted to meet her friends for ice cream. She thought Tyler Miller was cute, and that was the extent of her life. Now, being trapped in Ancient Egypt in a pyramid almost five thousand years before she was born, with a broken time travel machine, that seemed as normal as her life was ever going to get.
I love the vivid descriptions that bring to life the unusual circumstances. I think this story would benefit from dialogue, to reveal the characters and how they react with each other. You have something really good here - with some polish, you could make it great.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fun setting and great description. I was obsessed with ancient Egypt as a kid and would have gobbled this up. Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I'm totally interested in this. It's scifi because of the time travel, but also sounds like it's going to play out to be a great HF too. Your voice is great, peppy and hooking. I'd read on. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteFor me you could have more up front action. I feel something big is going to happen... but I want it to happen now.
ReplyDeleteThat said, Emily is appealing, the concept and title are interesting and I like the writing. I like the gazelle eye simile - if it was less passive ('eyes bulged' instead of 'were bulging') I'd love it.
Good luck with this. I think it has great potential.
Great beginning. I would like to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI like this; it is well written. At the same time, I feel it is all set-up. Instead of letting us figure out the situation ourselves, you're totally feeding it to us.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. I'm right there.
ReplyDeleteThe 'team-to-be' doesn't make sense to me.
I especially like how her priorities have changed from the 'week ago.' That's a great paragraph, but I'd use an em dash or elipses before "that seems as normal"
I thought this was an interesting beginning. You might tone down the descriptions in parg 1. They seem a bit overdone. Perhaps also work in some dialogue, because the whole thing is told, as is, and the dialogue will help put the reader in the moment. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteConfused by team-to-be, but liked the set-up of time travel to ancient Egypt. Really LIKED eyes were bulging like a gazelle’s waiting for an arrow, but agree to say “eyes bulged.” Also liked other descriptions—Halloween zombies, tinged with the smell.
ReplyDeleteLast paragraph could be tightened. Didn’t quite get “that was as normal as her life was ever going to get.” Suggest you put all the week-ago things in one sentence and leave out “extent of her life: “All she’d wanted was a cool coat for the first day of school, to meet her friends afterward for ice cream, and to attract the attention of the cute Tyler Miller—normal teenage stuff.” Then, to shorten the last sentence, put “even with a broken time machine” after “find a way out” in the previous paragraph. Then you could say something like: “Being trapped in an Egyptian pyramid, almost five thousand years before she was born? So much for normal.”
Just some suggestions! Liked the premise, though! And the title.
Hooked! Well written for the genre, creative description, great character development, all in 250 words. I'd read this cover to cover. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love this premise, but I'm not a fan of the "Here's the scene, now cut back a week."
ReplyDeleteYour prose is smooth, but the first paragraph felt like a big block o' text. You can probably fix that with a paragraph break or two and not even have to change anything in the story.
You're currently undercutting an exciting moment with too much exposition. Remember the annoying proverb: "Show, don't tell." We don't need to know the entire backstory of events that led up to this point. Try focusing more on the action at this early stage, and feed us bits (rather than chunks) of exposition to juxtapose it.
ReplyDelete