TITLE: Untitled WIP
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
Carole is in danger because her name was sold to the drug cartel enemies of a man who'd once been obsessed with/stalked her. Arriving home she discovers her garage door is inexplicably open and she calls the cops. One comes to her (gay) neighbor Oliver's to talk to her.
“Mrs. Higgins? I—“
Boom! A flash of light and the windows rattled. Carole screamed as the cop flung himself forward and knocked her down.
Her head hit the floor, pain swarmed around her skull. The officer rolled off of her, pushing her away. Her pulse raced and her lungs couldn’t seem to hold enough air.
“Move! Get to the back of the house! Stay low and away from the windows."
Oliver crawled over and she gazed up at his unfocused face. Dizziness and nausea warred with panic as he helped her roll over on her knees. Quico. Quico was here threatening her again. The drumming of her blood pounded in her ears. Oliver leaned over, his mouth moved but the words didn’t register. Not the first time, or the second. Finally her brain caught up with what he said.
“We need to move.” Oliver's voice was laced with panic. “Come on Carole. Breathe. In two, out two. Good, again. Breathe. In two, out two.”
She mimicked him, her heart still raced but the drumming in her ears diminished.
“You got it? Let’s go.” Oliver draped his arm across her shoulders. They awkwardly crawled toward the kitchen, Oliver half dragging her. Behind them a loud speaker blared from the street telling people to stay inside.
Carole lay on the floor of the kitchen her head pounding and fuzzy, her heart racing. Mendes had been right, Quico could reach out to her here. She wasn't sure she could survive his attention a second time.
Great stuff, I think this is really well done. I think you set up her fear and disorientation well.
ReplyDeleteA couple of nitpicky things:
"In two, out two.” How do you breathe in two breathes before you breathe out?
you use the word "pounded" and then, soon after "pounding."
Good luck! :)
Nitpicking: "Her head hit the floor, pain swarmed around her skull. The officer rolled off of her, pushing her away." The rhythm of the two sentences feels very similar, so it came off a bit stilted to me. Maybe rephrase the first sentence a bit? The third sentence of that paragraph works well for me, though.
ReplyDelete"Quico was here threatening her again" I'd consider cutting 'threatening her' if it's something the readers can guess at already. Again, the sentences before that had a similar structure. I do like that it takes her a moment to register what Oliver is saying.
I think I can understand what you mean by "in two, out two," so you might see what the overall consensus on that is.
You mention 'heart racing' a couple times toward the end. I'd cut the first reference (after 'she mimicked him') and keep the second one.
"Quico could reach out to her here" sounds to me like he's meaning to be helpful, not nearly as imposing as I've been imagining him based on the explosion. Maybe rephrase it?
Scene kept my attention, and did good at giving me an idea of what was going on. Personally, I think a few changes to sentence structure and phrasing could make it stronger. Good luck with it. :-)
Definitely an intense moment, but different phrasing and word choices might make the reader "feel" more of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteYour word choice ("knocked her down" "pushing her away") doesn't give the impression the cop is trying to help her. Where did he go anyway?
In "The Oliver crawled over" paragraph the POV is confusing. "Dizziness and nausea warred with panic as he helped her roll over on her knees" sounds like it's his dizziness and nausea.
First Oliver's unfocused, then he's issuing orders. Wait, did you mean HER eyes couldn't focus?
Should be "onTO her knees."
The "She mimicked him" sentence needs a semi-colon or to be two sentences.
You said "pulse raced" once, then had her "heart race" twice.
Good luck!
I almost shouldn't leave a comment! There was a lot I loved about this scene, especially her disorientation and panic. I love the fact that she couldn't register her friend's words and that he had to help her breathe. LOVE THAT. Okay, fangirl stuff is all done. (I can have ONE entry like that, can't I?)
ReplyDelete-MommyMagic
First thing I would axe: the word boom. I think you will have a much stronger visual without it. Show us the windows rattling, maybe glass falling, etc., but don't give us the word boom.
ReplyDelete"Oliver crawled over and she gazed up at his unfocused face." Here I'm not clear to whose POV we're in.
"Oliver leaned over, his mouth moved but the words didn’t register. Not the first time, or the second. Finally her brain caught up with what he said." I'd the part in bold; it's extra words that we don't need. We can figure out that it took a while for her brain to catch up to her friend.
Otherwise, I think you've got a good start here. I'm not feeling the scene, though, like I should. I should be afraid with the MC, but I'm not. I think some wording changes/deletions could fix that. And make us feel what's going on. It's not easy, but it's worth the effort =)
I thought you did a great job conveying Carole's physical shock and mental disorientation in this. MM already mentioned the one thing that tripped me up, which was POV confusion about who felt dizzy and nauseated in paragraph five. Reword that, and I think this would be very good.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot and wanted more. I especially liked the part about her brain catching up with what Oliver had said - really captures the disorientation. I was confused by the cop's action - he flung himself forward? I would think he'd be blown forward. Who says "Move! Get to the back of the house"? Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU ALL! This is _great_ feedback.
ReplyDeleteThere are some great physical descriptions here, and it feels balanced with internal reactions, movement, and narrative. I agree to take out the boom and maybe describe what's happening in a little more detail, with the windows rattling. Maybe describe the sound and that it left a ringing in her ears or something that shows the effect on the character a little more. I am not a huge stickler on "show don't tell," but action scenes are definitely the spot to focus on show. You want to keep the pace moving, but you can still expand on the details to give a good visual to the readers. This is the stuff that reads more quickly if it's paced right. This is a good scene so far.
ReplyDeleteThis works pretty well. I'd suggest cutting down on the heart pounding, pulse racing type of thing, which seemed a bit overdone. Perhaps replace some of it with a few internal thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou might also show the boom instead by describing the sound, which will add to the explosion. Right now, it's a flash of light and rattling windows, really nothing to panic over. Make it bigger. Maybe the widows shatter inward to give you some flying glass and a reason to duck and cover. The house might shake and things might fall from shelves.
ALso, may turn the sentence around where Carol screams as the cops knocks her down. Have the cop knock her down, then have her scream.
I'd also cut 'awkwardly' as they crawl to the kitchen. It doesn't add anything and reads awkward.
Everything is great except for these two paragraphs:
ReplyDeleteBoom! A flash of light and the windows rattled. Carole screamed as the cop flung himself forward and knocked her down.
Her head hit the floor, pain swarmed around her skull. The officer rolled off of her, pushing her away. Her pulse raced and her lungs couldn’t seem to hold enough air.
I think there needs to be a feeling of the blast other than a flash of light and a window rattling. I didn't FEEL the explosion from your description.
Then there's the "pain swarmed around her skull"... like snakes? This is an odd way to describe a hard hit to the head. Maybe rephrase it a bit, tighten it up. The pain is quick, sharp, and then lingers on and on. That's where the lengthening with the rest of this scene works. I get that she's dazed and hurt and is trying hard to work back to functioning after being so close to a blast. But the initial hurt needs to be more abrupt, just like the explosion.