TITLE: DON'T FALL
GENRE: YA contemporary romance
Lead in: Zander has been out of town and shows up in Anya's yard, throwing rocks at her window. She sneaks out to see him.
“What are you doing here?” I yelled in a whisper.
“I was lying in bed and decided I just couldn’t wait until Tuesday to see you.” He grinned at me and took a step closer. I stepped back and looked up at the house.
“Come on, follow me.” I headed into the woods, following my little worn trail. I was surprised that the woods seemed to be louder in the middle of the night than they did during the day. He followed close behind me and after a few yards I stopped and spun around. He almost crashed into me.
“Hi,” I said, smiling.
“Hi.”
I reached out and took his hands and he pulled me closer to him, stopping just short of our bodies touching. “I was starting to think you weren’t happy to see me.”
“Happy yes. Also surprised and a little bit nervous.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.” The stars shone through the trees and the crickets sung a lullaby to the flowers. “You were saying something about not being able to wait to see me?”
He grinned, his dark eyes bright. My heart beat was fast and loud, interrupting the night song. I took a small step forward, closing the gap between us. My chest and stomach were flat against him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I slid my hands up his back.
He leaned down and hesitated, his breath warm and staggered. Then he kissed me.
I’d read about butterflies and fireworks, electricity, sparks and flames, your body warming up and getting chills all at the same time. I’d even felt my own body tingle reading their words and longed to feel those things myself. But now, with Zander’s lips against mine, I realized they were all weak descriptions.
Awww! This is definitely the sweetest and most swoony scene I've read so far. And your girl is right - books and words never do the feeling justice! Great job, not just with the kiss itself, but the entire scene! I would love to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYup, this was lovely in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing that I might point at - and only because I'm nitpicking - was that he doesn't question her saying she is nervous. It might add a quip or a touch of something, but that was all I have as I thought this was so endearing.
More please!
love the build up in tension to the kiss! Very nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, all i have is some nitpicky stuff. Like this line: I was surprised that the woods seemed to be louder in the middle of the night than they did during the day.
I would have rather see her be suprised by this, see the description of what she's hearing, rather than just be told it was loud. But otherwise, great job!
Nice! As Sarah said, great build-up to the kiss. And I really loved how the last paragraph pokes fun at all the cliches.
ReplyDeleteI just had a couple of nits:
- "yelled in a whisper" struck me as an oxymoron. I know what you mean, but maybe something like "whispered as loud as I dared" would work better.
- In the last paragraph, I wasn't sure who "their" was in "reading their words."
All in all, this was great.
I love this! That last line made me super happy :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the yell whisper thing goes, I think you can still pull that off with a little more voice. I recently read an article talking about how teenagers use the word slash now. So maybe you could try saying something like "I whisper slash yell" but it's just an idea.
Also, after she says "It's all right." start a new line I was little confused for a second.
Love it!
I like the "whisper slash yell" idea, that's super cute. You could hyphenate too: I whisper-yelled. That gets the point across.
ReplyDeleteLove that last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone covered the nitpick things. Nice lead in, and I love the last paragraph!
ReplyDeleteI love the last paragraph. I mean, it was all great (and somehow reminded me of my teens:)), but the last paragraph hooked me. There's so many ways to describe a first kiss, but when you actually do, all those descriptions truly are just words. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWeak descriptions, eh? How so, she asks with a quirked brow. Tell me, please.
ReplyDeleteI think its darling and I love the descriptions of the forest and the night sky. Good visual without taking me out of the moment.
ReplyDeleteThe story is sweet, but needs tightening. (My suggestions are inside the parentheses. Feel free to ignore.)
ReplyDelete“Yelled in a whispered” (Didn’t work for me. Just whispered would have been okay.)
“I was lying in bed and decided I just couldn’t wait until Tuesday to see you.” He grinned at me and took a step closer. (I just couldn’t wait till Tuesday to see you.” He took a step closer.)
The “I stepped” line should start a new paragraph.
I was surprised that the woods seemed to be louder in the middle of the night than they did during the day. (The nighttime noises took me by surprise.)
I reached out and took his hands and he pulled me closer to him, stopping just short of our bodies touching. (He took my hands and pulled me toward him, until our bodies almost touched.)
He followed close behind me and after a few yards I stopped and spun around. He almost crashed into me. (Why a few yards? To get out of earshot? If so, say so. To spin around seems an odd thing to do. And you didn’t mention running, so him crashing into her seems out of place.)
(The two “Hi”s are taling up space if there’s no description of how she feels. Are they all of a sudden shy? Unsure of what the other feels?)
I took a small step forward, closing the gap between us. My chest and stomach were flat against him. (One small step and my body was pressed against his.)
(The second line of the “I’d read” paragraph takes the reader right out of the moment. And “weak descriptions” is a pretty weak description. Maybe delete “Then he kissed me” in the previous paragraph and say something like: “I’d read about butterflies and fireworks, electricity, sparks and flames, your body warming up and getting chills all at the same time, but none of that even came close to describing what I felt when his lips touched mine.”)