Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Logline Critique Round #1

TITLE: Club L.A.D.
GENRE: YA Contemporary

Breakfast Club set in an orthopedic hospital. Five teens of differing abilities meet in a hospital at a turning point in each of their lives and learn that control of their futures isn’t dictated by their disabilities but by their own perseverance.


  1. I would not include the comp in the first line. This works well for a query, but isn't part of your pitch. For the rest, we need to know what happens in the story and not just the lesson learned. Is there a fire? Are they locked in a room? Threatened by a gunman?

    Good luck!

  2. It sounds interesting but I would like some are they forced to contend with (add difficulty). Just need to add some excitement. Great idea!

  3. Thank you, both of you. I wrote the log line based off of the log line for The Breakfast Club, not recognizing the duh factor that log lines from thirty years ago may not be enticing today. Because of your critiques, I re-worked it to show the turning point for my characters. Thanks again!

  4. Using Holly's formula: Need, inciting incident, goal, obstacles--not sure the need (to control their futures?) Inciting incident: meeting the other disabled teens at the hospital--being thrown together at hospital. Goal: Its vague--should be more concrete, right? Obstacles: disability, ? I'm wondering how this works for a group of people who may have differing goals, etc? I would want to read this!