Wednesday, October 29, 2008

11 Drop The Needle TENSION

TITLE: The Project
GENRE: Spec Fic Mystery
Heather, having been informed her father died last Tuesday even though she saw him alive this morning, has just been mysterious transported to a valley with no sound, no movement... And she hears a sound from a bush...


The skin over my spine crawled. I moved another branch, and gasped.

Eyes, deep chocolate-brown eyes flecked with gold, stared back at me, wide with pain and fear.

A child. A girl, arms wrapped around her legs, huddled in a hollow at the base of the cliff.

My pulse raced, and I took a steadying breath. This wasn't then; this was now, and now I could help. "I won't hurt you," I said. "I promise."

The girl tensed.

My stomach twisted. I had to help her. "Will you come out?" I stretched out a hand and brushed against her arm.

She jerked.

"It's okay," I soothed.

She relaxed, just a fraction, but it calmed my stomach. It was going to be okay.

The girl peeked at me from under her arm. I gave her an encouraging smile. She relaxed further – and a harsh alarm rang out.

I jumped to my feet, scanning for the source of the threat, but the landscape remained motionless, frozen. I turned back to the girl, and my chest constricted.

Her face was contorted into a soundless scream, her eyes wide with terror.

Terror... Screams... "No." I backed away, eyes fixed on the girl. "No!" Terror, madness… Rachel.

My vision blurred and I fell to my knees. "No! No, it wasn't me!" Desperately I tried to focus on the little girl, now scrabbling backwards into the rock with bloody fingertips. "I can help you! I swear it!" I screamed, pierced by the horror of the girl.

10 comments:

  1. I'm a little confused as to why the protagonist is reminded of so much in the little girl's terror, but I assume it becomes clearer in context. The tension here is very mysterious; I expect her to wake up crying in the next scene. Overall, good, but I can't really tell if this is going to turn out to have magical elements or, like I said, just be a dream.

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  2. There is tension, but this scene is a bit too confusing for me.

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  3. There's implied tension, but that's based on what the character is imagining and it doesn't feel real. Is there a real threat, or is the little girl scared of the dark? It is confusing. There appears to be a lot of metaphor, some vague impressions of what's not there, so tension for me is iffy.

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  4. There is tension, yes.

    Perhaps it's the "drop the needle" effect at work here, but it was a pretty confusing scene to wade through. That's one of the particular challenges of this kind of crit fest.

    I don't think I'd feel quite so confused if I had read more of the story leading up to this scene. I am definitely intrigued about the little girl, and about the terror of her "soundless scream" (I like that).

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  5. Definite tension. Like others, I was confused about what was going on - she is surprised by the appearance of the little girl, but then she thinks that was then and this is now, like she has lived the experience before, so I found it confusing. But that aside, definite tension here and I hope that she can help the little girl.

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  6. It's interesting, but I think a few more tangible details would help set the scene better and center your reader during the screaming scene.

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  7. Is this a nightmare or hallucination or...? Either way I thought it was creepy and tense. Have no idea what's going on, though.

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  8. I found it confusing, but I want to know what is going on so I would read on.

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  9. There's plenty of tension here, so great job there. I'm just confused as to what's really happening. I'm sure I'd understand completely if I had more to read, though.

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  10. There are lots of physiological signals of tension and fear here, but I'm not sure I got actual tension. I'm pretty sure that's because I had no idea what's up in this scene. I liked it -- loved the imagery and the metaphors -- but I'm really curious about this person who seems to have wandered into an impressionist painting.

    I'd definitely have to read more of this. :-)

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