Wednesday, October 29, 2008

4 Drop The Needle TENSION

Title: Green
Genre: YA
Emil and Trudie have a complicated relationship--let's leave it at that.




Emil’s arm slides around my back, drawing me in just close enough so we can still speak, though I don’t know if I want to. We sway, his hand warm against the small of my back, my cheek inches from his shoulder. It’s too freaking much.

I pull away. Out of the corner of my eye I see Michel at our table, eating, and Anna, toying with a straw and looking bored.

“Let’s just go,” I say.

Emil slides his hand into mine. “Tell me, why did you do that stupid thing?”

I’m not going to pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about. “It’s complicated,” I say.

“So now you’re working for the enemy.” The corners of his mouth twist into a

grimace.“I don’t like you in that house alone with a guy you barely know.”

“He’s harmless. And I don’t really have a choice, anyway.”

“You always have a choice.”

“Unless you want to see me during visiting hours only, I have to work there.”

“Well, I don’t like it.”

I whip around, heart pounding. “Why is this important to you?”

He looks at me a long second. “Doru sent me that book last week. We’re emailing each other again. He’s my friend.”

“If he’s your friend then what am I?”

11 comments:

  1. I can see this being a very explosive scene, but I think I need to see it in context and know who everyone is for this to work.

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  2. Oh, I like it. Great dialogue. Just wondering--she "whipped around" to talk to him again, but I thought she had been facing him to begin with. Might just be confused since I haven't read the whole scene.

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  3. Thanks! Yeah, I deleted a line that would have made the "whipped around" make sense. It doesn't anymore. Thanks for pointing that out!

    --Lo

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  4. Yes, there's tension.

    I like this beat: I'm not going to pretend I don't know what he's talking about.

    Emil's line, "Tell me, why did you do that stupid thing?" sounds a little awkward. Maybe he could say, "Tell me why you did that stupid thing." Or, "Why did you do that stupid thing?"

    (That's just a tiny thing; I've been sensitized to overwritten dialogue ever since Mr. Authoress started ripping mine to shreds!)

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  5. Thanks! English is Emil's second language, though that probably isn't working all that well in that snippet of dialogue.

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  6. I got that Emil's second language was English from his semi-broken almost-overly-proper dialogue, and I think it worked. I'm not terribly engaged with what's going on, but if I knew more about what they were talking about, I might be into it. Who doesn't love foreign guys? ;)

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  7. You did an awesome job of portraying Emil as foreign, with English as his second language. I could tell immediately from how he said "that stupid thing." It's charmingly awkward, and Americans wouldn't talk that way. There was tension, definitely, and I liked the subtext in her attitude. On the outside things are calm, but on the inside she's a brewing storm. Something is up and I'm eager find out what it is. Excellent job!

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  8. I agree with just_me. I can see the set-up for tension, but I'm too confused without the background to really feel it.

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  9. I'm a little confused as to what's going on, but that makes sense given this drop the needle context. I do feel tension between the two characters.

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  10. Ditto with what just_me said. There's a lot of back-and-forthing, and I think the addition of some physical details (such as gestures) would help set the scene for the readers a bit more.

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  11. I think context would help this piece greatly; I wish you gave more of a lead in. But I can see there's underlying tension here. I'd like to read more.

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