Wednesday, October 29, 2008

7 Drop The Needle TENSION

Screen name: Lori
Title: Dragonseeker

Set Up: Elemmire is possessed by the spirit of the elf-witch Laerwen, who has sworn vengence on the entire royal familiy. Laerwen forces Elemmire to corner his eleven year old daughter with the intent to break her spirit, one way or another.

Run, Eryn! Get away! But the possessed-Elemmire’s warnings were useless. Laerwen carried through on her threat. His body, his speech, his actions – all were under the witch’s control. He tried to reach out to his child; tried to push her away so she would be safe.

He could affect the outside world no more than the western wind could speak.

And now he had to watch his daughter walk blindly into Laerwen’s trap.

My poor sweet girl…

He saw the anger, the anxiousness and fear, burning in his daughter’s blue eyes. Fear of her own father.

No doubt, that look would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“Where have you been?” Laerwen said. Damn it! The witch had even stolen his voice. “You were told to go to your room and stay there.”

Eryn scowled. “I went to see Rosse. You didn’t tell me I couldn’t.”

Laerwen took a step forward, her voice low; menacing. It hurt his throat. Elemmire hadn’t known his voice could sound so cold. “Do you dare defy your king?”

Eryn met Laerwen’s glare with the same fire her mother had. “I just wanted to see if Rosse felt better. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Elemmire felt Laerwen’s anger course through him, but could do nothing to stop it. “Do not ask foolish questions. You will learn obedience, child. And if this is the only way, so be it.”


  1. Very tense and good. The only thing that tripped me out of scene was the line about her eyes haunting him. I think you could rewrite to make that a little more intense. Maybe set the sentence on it's own line.

  2. Loved it. Seems like it would be difficult to do, balancing the guy's thoughts with his posessed actions and with the possessor's feelings, but you've done it beautifully.

  3. I think the girl's reaction adds to the tension and I wonder if there's a way to incorporate any of her thoughts, even if just in her father's musings.

  4. I enjoyed this - even though I was a bit confused at first, not having too much setup.

    The tension is strong, which is fitting with the strong personalities you have fighting here.

    One comment I didn't understand, though, and this may not be the place for it, but toward the end where he says Do not ask stupid questions, I didn't catch the question. Sorry.

    Good job!

  5. Very tense, and I also feel Elemmire's helplessness. I want to read this book -- when will it be out, again? ;)

    The final words of Laerwen/Elemmire sound a bit forced. Perhaps you could whittle those down a bit.

  6. This is good, and tense. The only nitpick I have that if there was some glimmer of hope that his resistance made things more difficult for Laerwen. Her complete control takes some f the tension away, here. But of course, this is only one scene.

  7. Very nice. I loved the tension here. If I was reading this part of a book, I wouldn't be able to put it down.

    Good job.

  8. Great tension, made stronger from his helplessness. Loved the voice, and wasn't confused at all by the unusual set-up. The only nitpick I have is one sissy mentioned about the questions.

  9. Yep, good tension here. I third the nitpick on the questions thing, but otherwise very good.

  10. Quite well done. I liked this one. Very tense. I would definitely read on tofind out what happened.