The skin over my spine crawled. I moved another branch, and gasped.
Eyes, deep chocolate-brown eyes flecked with gold, stared back at me, wide with pain and fear.
A child. A girl, arms wrapped around her legs, huddled in a hollow at the base of the cliff.
My pulse raced, and I took a steadying breath. This wasn't then; this was now, and now I could help. "I won't hurt you," I said. "I promise."
The girl tensed.
My stomach twisted. I had to help her. "Will you come out?" I stretched out a hand and brushed against her arm.
She jerked.
"It's okay," I soothed.
She relaxed, just a fraction, but it calmed my stomach. It was going to be okay.
The girl peeked at me from under her arm. I gave her an encouraging smile. She relaxed further – and a harsh alarm rang out.
I jumped to my feet, scanning for the source of the threat, but the landscape remained motionless, frozen. I turned back to the girl, and my chest constricted.
Her face was contorted into a soundless scream, her eyes wide with terror.
Terror... Screams... "No." I backed away, eyes fixed on the girl. "No!" Terror, madness… Rachel.
My vision blurred and I fell to my knees. "No! No, it wasn't me!" Desperately I tried to focus on the little girl, now scrabbling backwards into the rock with bloody fingertips. "I can help you! I swear it!" I screamed, pierced by the horror of the girl.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
11 Drop The Needle TENSION
TITLE: The Project
GENRE: Spec Fic Mystery
Heather, having been informed her father died last Tuesday even though she saw him alive this morning, has just been mysterious transported to a valley with no sound, no movement... And she hears a sound from a bush...
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I'm a little confused as to why the protagonist is reminded of so much in the little girl's terror, but I assume it becomes clearer in context. The tension here is very mysterious; I expect her to wake up crying in the next scene. Overall, good, but I can't really tell if this is going to turn out to have magical elements or, like I said, just be a dream.
ReplyDeleteThere is tension, but this scene is a bit too confusing for me.
ReplyDeleteThere's implied tension, but that's based on what the character is imagining and it doesn't feel real. Is there a real threat, or is the little girl scared of the dark? It is confusing. There appears to be a lot of metaphor, some vague impressions of what's not there, so tension for me is iffy.
ReplyDeleteThere is tension, yes.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's the "drop the needle" effect at work here, but it was a pretty confusing scene to wade through. That's one of the particular challenges of this kind of crit fest.
I don't think I'd feel quite so confused if I had read more of the story leading up to this scene. I am definitely intrigued about the little girl, and about the terror of her "soundless scream" (I like that).
Definite tension. Like others, I was confused about what was going on - she is surprised by the appearance of the little girl, but then she thinks that was then and this is now, like she has lived the experience before, so I found it confusing. But that aside, definite tension here and I hope that she can help the little girl.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, but I think a few more tangible details would help set the scene better and center your reader during the screaming scene.
ReplyDeleteIs this a nightmare or hallucination or...? Either way I thought it was creepy and tense. Have no idea what's going on, though.
ReplyDeleteI found it confusing, but I want to know what is going on so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThere's plenty of tension here, so great job there. I'm just confused as to what's really happening. I'm sure I'd understand completely if I had more to read, though.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of physiological signals of tension and fear here, but I'm not sure I got actual tension. I'm pretty sure that's because I had no idea what's up in this scene. I liked it -- loved the imagery and the metaphors -- but I'm really curious about this person who seems to have wandered into an impressionist painting.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely have to read more of this. :-)