Jealousy gnawed and nibbled away at my sanity. It seized control of my tiny brain and squeezed till it felt like mushy matter would dribble out my ears.
Word of caution: Never read the latest issue of Authoress' velvet-lined dungeon while eating. Eeeewwww. (I guess that means you got the imagery to work. ;-) )
Could you use either gnawed or nibbled in the first sentence? Using both seems almost redundant (and heavy on the alliteration).
For me, I think this depends on the genre. If this is a kid’s or middle grade book, then the descriptions are definitely spot on and the reader is drawn in. If this is YA or adult, then I worry about the voice and descriptions being too juvenile and remote for the audience.
Jealousy gnawed and nibbled away at my sanity. It seized control of my tiny brain and squeezed till it felt like mushy matter would dribble out my ears.
This is a little wordy, I agree. You don't need "away", per se, nor the "gnawed and nibbled." Just pick one.
I would probably read on if the graphic imagery of "mushy matter" stopped. That was a bit too much for me. Uck.
Why is the narrator's brain tiny? That doesn't make any sense to me at all. Is the narrator slow? A really small person? A child? A bird? Or maybe it's explained in the next sentence...
Jealousy gnawed and nibbled away at my sanity. It seized control of my tiny brain and squeezed till it felt like mushy matter would dribble out my ears.
I would get rid of the "away" and "tiny" I think it would make the sentences stronger.
I don't know...I want to see some action, but I do wonder why this being is jealous and why its brain is tiny. If it is a mouse, would a mouse think that its brain is tiny?
Okay, so I read the comments and that changed my opinion. If it is an animal speaking I get the adjective use here.
However the adjectives seem to conflict with each other. Nibble is very different from gnawing. And both of those are very different from squeezing something into mush.
So jealousy has been digging in with this brain, then decided to pick at it for a while, then decided to give it a good squeeze for the juices and stuff...ewww!
Overall, I like the voice (and the idea that this might be a small animal,) so I would definitly read on to see what crazy situation would warrant this kind of jealousy.
Interesting choice of imagery, it doesn't grab my attention as something I'd enjoy though.
ReplyDeleteI would commit to either gnaw or nibble--given your second image which is great, gnawed might work better.
ReplyDeleteI'm with goldchevy..
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need both gnawed and nibbled.
Your second sentence is also a bit wordy. There might be a better way to phrase it that doesn't feel so clunky. It also needs to be "out of my ears."
Too much imagery. I didn't like the gnawing and nibbling when paired with squeezing.
ReplyDeleteWord of caution: Never read the latest issue of Authoress' velvet-lined dungeon while eating. Eeeewwww. (I guess that means you got the imagery to work. ;-) )
ReplyDeleteCould you use either gnawed or nibbled in the first sentence? Using both seems almost redundant (and heavy on the alliteration).
Agreed with others about gnawed/nibbled. Also felt heavy on alliteration.
ReplyDeleteBut something is definitely happening and I'd read a bit longer to see what :)
For me, I think this depends on the genre. If this is a kid’s or middle grade book, then the descriptions are definitely spot on and the reader is drawn in. If this is YA or adult, then I worry about the voice and descriptions being too juvenile and remote for the audience.
ReplyDeleteJealousy gnawed and nibbled away at my sanity. It seized control of my tiny brain and squeezed till it felt like mushy matter would dribble out my ears.
ReplyDeleteThis is a little wordy, I agree. You don't need "away", per se, nor the "gnawed and nibbled." Just pick one.
I would probably read on if the graphic imagery of "mushy matter" stopped. That was a bit too much for me. Uck.
Why is the narrator's brain tiny? That doesn't make any sense to me at all. Is the narrator slow? A really small person? A child? A bird? Or maybe it's explained in the next sentence...
These sentences seemed more telling to me than showing.
ReplyDeleteI'd say gnawed. But other than that, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHeh, the gnawing, nibbling, and 'tiny brain' make me think this MC is a rodent. Odd. :)
ReplyDeleteBut I'd read on to find out :D
Bingo! :)
ReplyDeleteJealousy gnawed and nibbled away at my sanity. It seized control of my tiny brain and squeezed till it felt like mushy matter would dribble out my ears.
ReplyDeleteI would get rid of the "away" and "tiny" I think it would make the sentences stronger.
I don't know...I want to see some action, but I do wonder why this being is jealous and why its brain is tiny. If it is a mouse, would a mouse think that its brain is tiny?
ReplyDeleteIt could be tightened, but I like it. Great imagery in the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I read the comments and that changed my opinion. If it is an animal speaking I get the adjective use here.
ReplyDeleteHowever the adjectives seem to conflict with each other. Nibble is very different from gnawing. And both of those are very different from squeezing something into mush.
So jealousy has been digging in with this brain, then decided to pick at it for a while, then decided to give it a good squeeze for the juices and stuff...ewww!
Overall, I like the voice (and the idea that this might be a small animal,) so I would definitly read on to see what crazy situation would warrant this kind of jealousy.