I like the tension between no one pursuing and it being tempting to run, but maybe it would be better to start with "At the moment . . ."
I think the second sentence is stronger as it is than "She almost ran anyway." "Tempt" gives such a strong sense of internal conflict with just the one word.
Is there a bit too much running going on here? No one's pursuing her, yet she's tempted to run away anyway. The vague "this" as the very first word in the story was a bit off-putting for me (but keep in mind that I'm strange), and the equally vague "it was" beginning the second (passive) sentence only compounds the problem FOR ME.
I can see lots of promise in the concept, though. I like shadowy and mysterious. :-)
Interesting. I wouldn’t say I’m hooked just yet, but I would probably read on to find out more. I guess I’m just not really getting a sense of urgency from her yet.
This was not the worst place she'd been; at the moment, there was no one actually in pursuit. It was tempting to run anyway.
This is too passive and vague, but it is only the first two sentences, so I can't expect too much! I think the idea you're hinting is intriguing, but other than that, I probably wouldn't read on.
Starting your entire story with the word "this" is pretty gutsy. You're going to have tell us what "this" is right away or we'll be lost.
Intriguing, but the next few paras will have to work hard to clarify the situation in order to really hook me, otherwise I'd be tempted to give up out of frustration at the lack of situation information.
Apparently there is no danger or urgency here since 'this isn't the worst place she'd been' and 'no one is in pursuit.' So she's just someplace that isn't so bad, and is standing there contemplating to run from nothing and no one.
I'm not getting the urge to read on from these sentences.
I'm just confused by this, but I'd probably read the first few pages just to understand the situation.
ReplyDeleteThree uses of "was" in two sentences. I'd rewrite. The second sentence would have greater impact as, "She almost ran away".
ReplyDeleteby saying there was no one in pursuit - that took the tension away. The second sentence is more of a hook for me, even if it is passive.
ReplyDeleteI like the tension between no one pursuing and it being tempting to run, but maybe it would be better to start with "At the moment . . ."
ReplyDeleteI think the second sentence is stronger as it is than "She almost ran anyway." "Tempt" gives such a strong sense of internal conflict with just the one word.
I'm interested, but the sentences seem really fragmented.
ReplyDeleteIs there a bit too much running going on here? No one's pursuing her, yet she's tempted to run away anyway. The vague "this" as the very first word in the story was a bit off-putting for me (but keep in mind that I'm strange), and the equally vague "it was" beginning the second (passive) sentence only compounds the problem FOR ME.
ReplyDeleteI can see lots of promise in the concept, though. I like shadowy and mysterious. :-)
Interesting. I wouldn’t say I’m hooked just yet, but I would probably read on to find out more. I guess I’m just not really getting a sense of urgency from her yet.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason every time I read this it comes out 'she was tempted to run away' instead of 'anyway'.
ReplyDeleteMust be my dyslexia coming out.
This was not the worst place she'd been; at the moment, there was no one actually in pursuit.
ReplyDeleteIt was tempting to run anyway.
This is too passive and vague, but it is only the first two sentences, so I can't expect too much! I think the idea you're hinting is intriguing, but other than that, I probably wouldn't read on.
Starting your entire story with the word "this" is pretty gutsy. You're going to have tell us what "this" is right away or we'll be lost.
Intriguing, but the next few paras will have to work hard to clarify the situation in order to really hook me, otherwise I'd be tempted to give up out of frustration at the lack of situation information.
ReplyDeleteDidn't get me. I think the begining of the sentence needs to be redone.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a good idea, but the passive voice makes it feel distant.
ReplyDeleteI see promise, but needs work. I think replacing "This" with the location would help.
ReplyDeleteApparently there is no danger or urgency here since 'this isn't the worst place she'd been' and 'no one is in pursuit.' So she's just someplace that isn't so bad, and is standing there contemplating to run from nothing and no one.
ReplyDeleteI'm not getting the urge to read on from these sentences.