I liked this. I want to know why the narrator isn't reacting, though obviously something destructive is happening to the room where s/he is sitting. It's enough to keep me reading.
Not very engaging, and I'm not a fan of present-tense. I usually have a problem with MC's that react to a situation passively. If they aren't engaged in what is happening, why should I be?
I'd probably read on to find out what the boom and the cracking ceiling were about, but this feels like we were dropped a little too far into the middle of something. The lack of startle would be fine if we had a reason to expect that response.
No, sorry, while I like the idea a loud noise that should startle the MC doesn't, something feels off about it and didn't really grab me. I also found the present tense more of a distraction here than not.
passive... I'm not interested because the character isn't reacting. Maybe sentence #3 is the magical one?
ReplyDeleteThe boom should startle me but it doesn't. I follow the crack forming in the ceiling with my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI personally don't like present tense - it is distracting to me. The idea is good - but I agree with "just me" - nothing is happening.
It also sounds like the crack is forming with with the narrator's eyes. I think it would work better if you reworked the sentence to make it clearer.
I would rather the boom did startle so the character would react and draw me into their experience.
ReplyDeleteDitto on just_me and gypsywitch's comments. If the noise doesn't suprise the MC, then why bother to tell us about it?
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I want to know why the narrator isn't reacting, though obviously something destructive is happening to the room where s/he is sitting. It's enough to keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteDitto Gypsywitch. To a small extent I'm curious about why they seemed to /expect/ the boom, though. If the blurb was promising, I may read on.
ReplyDeleteNot very engaging, and I'm not a fan of present-tense. I usually have a problem with MC's that react to a situation passively. If they aren't engaged in what is happening, why should I be?
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on to find out what the boom and the cracking ceiling were about, but this feels like we were dropped a little too far into the middle of something. The lack of startle would be fine if we had a reason to expect that response.
ReplyDeleteThe present tense threw me off, and the voice didn't pull me back in. I wandered off with the crack.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the present tense. I agree that it might be hookier if the narrator did get startled by the boom.
ReplyDeleteThanks everybody for the comments! They're very helpful.
ReplyDeleteEmily
No, sorry, while I like the idea a loud noise that should startle the MC doesn't, something feels off about it and didn't really grab me. I also found the present tense more of a distraction here than not.
ReplyDelete~Merc
I'm not a fan of present tense, but my main problem is that it's only flat, and as mentioned, the character isn't reacting much.
ReplyDelete