Genre: Near Future Sci-fi
Rhode Meyers has been a prisoner of war for the past two years. He was recently recovered by a team led by his friend, Graham. After recovering in an overseas military hospital Rhode is being escorted home by the colonel, armed guards, and Graham. The US is a military state and Rhode is making plans to escape to a pacifist colony in the South Pacific. He wants to take his parents with him.
“Smells like home,” Rhode whispered. “Tar, dust, and burnt toast.”
“At least she tried to cook.”
“I’m going to take her to Atlantis,” Rhode whispered, eyes darting to the commander and soldiers standing at the end of the hall. “I’m going to take them away from here. Mom will love it there. Gardens, just like when she was a kid.”
With a clatter of chains the door opened on the sparse apartment. Second-hand military issue maroon couches with bare wood frames, a television globe with the news headlines running in circles, the bare white tile floor, and a green rug that still reminded Graham of a persistent mold stain growing on the living room floor.
He stepped forward, placing himself between Trudi and Rhode. “Hello, Trudi, is Mike here?”
“I’m here!” Mike hollered from the galley-style kitchen. “Come on in. Got company?”
“I called Trudi this morning-“ Graham started.
“Rhode is dead,” she said flatly. “We buried him, Graham. This summer. You were there.” Tears fell from red-rimmed eyes. “I love you as well as my own boy, Graham, but we don’t want soldiers here.”
Mike stepped out of the kitchen, carving knife in one hand, green potato in the other. “It’s nothing personal, boy. Trudi just hasn’t adjusted. You know what the docs say. Sometimes folks lash out.”
“Mom?” Rhode stepped out from behind Graham. “Mom, it’s me, Rhode.”
Graham moved to the side, watching as he held his breath.
Trudi shook her head. “I buried my boy.”
I'm very new at this, so forgive me if I'm too blunt or off track. I definitely felt a lot of tension here - and want to know why the woman isn't acknowledging her son even when faced with him. Very interesting concept.
ReplyDeleteI was thrown for a moment as to who stepped between Trudi and Rhode - I realize now it was Graham, but it wasn't totally clear at first.
Good job!
Once I got my mind around the story (had to read the lead-in twice), this one played out like a movie scene for me. That's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I felt tension, but his mom, but she was unable to acknowledge the reality of who he was. Lots of inherent pain in that moment.
The most effective sentences are the short, crisp ones:
"Smells like home," Rhode whispered. "Tar, dust, and burnt toast."
Trudi shook her head. "I buried my boy."
It took me a moment to settle into the scene (that's the trouble with Drop the needle in general, not with your writing), but then it read smoothly. There were some funny bits (the mold stain rug) that lessened the tension a bit, but overall I felt the subtle tension towards the end.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
You have some good writing (I love the "tar, dust, and burnt toast" line) but I wasn't swept away by the tension. Could be just a problem with only getting a snippet, though.
ReplyDeleteI had to read it a couple of times to figure out what was going on. At first I thought Rhode was a ghost and his mom couldn't see him.
ReplyDeleteThis is very obviously out of context, so it's one of those instances where "you had to be there" to get it. I'm not sure I felt tension here, but curiosity. And confusion, too, since I can't understand why a mother would ignore her son. But the reason is probably buried in previous pages.
I would have liked more tension in the first half. What was there seemed more directed to the soldiers nearby than the upcoming reaction from the parents.
ReplyDeleteThe second half was great - lots of emotion and tension with the actual reaction. Build up to that to it has even more impact. Either stronger reactions to Graham and Rhodes anxiety or a contrast with expecting a bigger welcome.
I hope that made sense.
I too got a bit confused that it was Graham that stepped out - maybe change it to that to be clearer. I didn't feel the tension right away either, perhaps Graham could notice some of Rhode's tension as he awaits his mom.
ReplyDeleteBut otherwise, very good - loved the last line.
Ditto on the confusion at the end, with not understanding that Rhode had stayed out in the hallway while Graham went inside. I also agree that although I liked the scene very much (especially that last line), I didn't think it was tense so much as dramatic.
ReplyDeleteI realize that we're dropped into the middle of a story, so my confusion might just be from that.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was confused as to where exactly these people were. I didn't feel any tension per se from either Graham or Rhode before they confronted Rhode's parents. Except in the brief summary before the scene.
Was Rhode anxious to be reunited with them? How did Graham feel about his friend's upcoming reunion with the parents? Did Graham think there'd be problems?
Again, these questions might be answered in the previous scenes.
I thought this was great. I loved the ending. I think that the mother probably didn't want to get hurt again. Maybe she was playing safe? I would love to know anyway.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was well written. I did read it twice before it was totally clear though.
This scene doesn't strike me as extremely tense, especially at the beginning, but the tension does grow throughout.
ReplyDeleteI like your description.
This scene is hard to follow since it is out of context, but I believe that once I read it in the flow of things, it will work really well.