The Breakaway
Mystery/Suspense
Naomi is trying to escape from her kidnappers by climbing into a tree near the balcony of the house. Her situation isn't helped by the fact that she actually likes her kidnappers . . .
She took another step, her breath rising in thin, misty clouds around her face. Man, it was cold. This had seemed like a good idea a minute ago. Now, staring down at the fence below, she caught a glimpse of the neighbor's yard, and doubted her decision.
No grass to land on. Only stone. The drop looked farther down than she'd thought. Maybe she should go back. This was stupid. If Eric caught her. . . .
She squeezed the branch in her hand.
Keep going! For once, I have to do something brave. He's not going to catch me. I'll jump, get to my feet, and run. I won't ever look back.
Her fingers shook against the iPod in her fist. Thoughts of Jesse raced through her mind. She couldn't think of him. Not right now. If she did, she would turn around and settle right back into the armchair.
She couldn't think about any of them. She'd made up her mind. She had to keep going.
One, two, three steps.
Her body swayed. She straightened her spine.
I can't lower myself down to the next branch with this stupid iPod in my hand. Why did I bring it? I could toss it to the stones below.
Pain stabbed her heart.
No. It was the only thing she had of Jesse.
With trembling, icy fingers, she tried shoving it into the too-tight pocket of her jeans, leaned forward, and slipped.
Down . . . down . . . through wintry air, she grabbed for anything solid.
<3 I've seen this before. I think this is very good :o)
ReplyDeleteGood! "Internal tension," for lack of a better word.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider making her internal dialogue shorter, less wordy. Our thoughts tend to move more rapidly, and you could probably express hers in less words without losing the poignancy of her emotions.
I was skeptical that someone would like their kidnappers, but for some reason I totally believed it was all right when I got into your 250. I really like your voice and would definitely be hooked enough to find out what happens next!
ReplyDeleteGood one. Both internal tension and the tension of the situation.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. You've made her actions and thoughts real and believable to me, despite the Drop the Needle factor. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThis is good. The long internalizations slowed things down, but the tension at the end was great.
ReplyDeleteGood! I agree that some of the thoughts could be shortened, but I love the iPod thing, and love that it is for Jesse that she takes the fall.
ReplyDeleteI liked all of this, save the last line. It felt too flowery/poetic to me (ex: wintry air). But other than that, excellent build up, and I like how you have her physical senses battling with her emotional ones. The iPod thing was well done, too.
ReplyDeleteI thought that this was well done. Would love to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI also like the I pod. It made it seem real.
I liked this one. Felt more like conflict than tension, but I liked it.
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ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments! Hope to see a few more, but that's all right if I don't. What's here has helped a lot!
ReplyDeleteYes, internal dialogue is a bit much. I've pared it down, along with a few other things.
She doesn't get away . . . more tension to come. :)