GENRE: Young Adult - Adventure
ERRRRRUUUUUUMMMMMMM!
Thirteen year old Charlie Sinclair gunned the outboard engine and torpedoed
our Zodiac at the blow hole geyser spouting just ahead.
The approach was critical and Charlie handled it with a light touch.
We wanted to get in close. But, we sure wanted to avoid those massive tail flukes
crashing down on the surface with enough force to smash a real boat. One good
whack from the whale's appendage and our little inflatable would pop like a party balloon.
And, from this part of Port Royal Sound, it was a long swim to anywhere dry.
“Right!” Thor Munson yelled above the outboard's whine.
Thor raised his right hand and made a chopping motion towards the city bus sized creature,
while Charlie skated the Zodiac across the surface like a giant water bug. As we squirted in
towards the whale, Thor shouted over the outboard.
“Give me the spear.”
Up to this point, Toby Trundle and I lay across from each other, draped over the
inflated pontoons - praying. Reluctantly, we released our death grips and began
the maneuver we practiced before in calmer waters.
We'd just gotten the aluminum shaft joined to the razor sharp broadhead, when the
boat hit a larger swell. Suddenly, we dipped and shot over the wave and the Zodiac
grabbed some sick air as it launched from the water. The little Evinrude screamed as
the airborne propeller pushed against nothing.
Just FYI - this was not the original spacing. Copying the manuscript must have thrown everything out of alignment.
ReplyDeleteYeah... this didn't translate well to blog at all. Very hard to read.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay. It's different. Can you please cut "city bus sized..." that phrase just threw me. It doesn't sound like a natural thought.
Sorry, but not hooked. There are FIVE characters introduced in 250 words, and not once is the narrator named or really even a part of the scene. For a while there, I thought "we" meant Charlie and the boat.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if this is an actual whale you're speaking about, then what these kids are doing is illegal. It's forbidden off every US coastline for people to approach endangered sea life, like whales.
Not hooked. The entire opening sequence feels implausible. How would a bunch of junior high kids find the right equipment to do this? What would possess them to take an inflatable boat on the ocean? How far out to sea are we talking? Also, isn't thirteen closer to middle grade than YA?
ReplyDeleteThis may be a personal no-no, but I absolutely can't stand when a character's age is given at the exact moment they are introduced, especially if the narrator doing the introducing is part of the story. I also am unsure about what's going on. Why are they so dangerously chasing this whale? I couldn't find anything in this piece that stands out enough to make me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo offense.
ReplyDeleteOf course it is dangerous. 'Adventure' denotes danger.
Yes, they know it's illegal to approach an endangered marine mammal and they are doing it anyway.
It is supposed to appear as if they are going to harpoon the whale - when in fact they are attempting to free it.
Unfortunately, this is why there is a dearth of good adventure stories for boys today. It is a female dominated business - and very few women can understand a boy's imagination.
Matt
ERRRRRUUUUUUMMMMMMM!
ReplyDeleteThirteen year old Charlie Sinclair gunned the outboard engine and torpedoed our Zodiac at the blow hole geyser spouting just ahead.
The approach was critical and Charlie handled it with a light touch.
We wanted to get in close. But, we sure wanted to avoid those massive tail flukes crashing down on the surface with enough force to smash a real boat. One good whack from the whale's appendage and our little inflatable would pop like a party balloon. And, from this part of Port Royal Sound, it was a long swim to anywhere dry.
“Right!” Thor Munson yelled above the outboard's whine.
Thor raised his right hand and made a chopping motion towards the city bus sized creature, while Charlie skated the Zodiac across the surface like a giant water bug. As we squirted in towards the whale, Thor shouted over the outboard.
“Give me the spear.”
Up to this point, Toby Trundle and I lay across from each other, draped over the inflated pontoons - praying. Reluctantly, we released our death grips and began the maneuver we practiced before in calmer waters.
We'd just gotten the aluminum shaft joined to the razor sharp broadhead, when the boat hit a larger swell. Suddenly, we dipped and shot over the wave and the Zodiac grabbed some sick air as it launched from the water. The little Evinrude screamed as the airborne propeller pushed against nothing.
Good thing JK Rowling didnt fall into the 'can't understand males' category according to millions of readers worldwide.
ReplyDeleteJust want to chime back in on this one, where I think some industry perspective can be very helpful, and I don't think this topic gets a lot of play: YA for boys. The fact of the matter is, there is only a small amount of YA for boys being published for two very connected reasons. Reason 1, there's a statistical drop-off in the reading habits of boys once they exit the middle grade years. Reason 2, it is VERY hard to sell YA for boys- they just do not buy it, whether it's written and agented and edited by men or otherwise. The beauty of Harry Potter is that, even though the protagonist is male, it's interesting to readers regardless of their sex. When you are publishing into an area with low sales figures and lots of flops, the chips are stacked against you, and you need to have something really stellar to convince people to take a chance.
ReplyDeleteYes. But J.K. Rowling did not worry that Quiddich was 'dangerous', that Harry regularly 'broke the law' and that kids going to a school for wizardry sounds 'implausible.'
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the criticms that are valid.
Hem-hem.
ReplyDeleteThis contest does not exist as a forum to argue with people's critiques of your work.
We will never agree with everything someone says about our work. That's the nature of the beast. However, to take to task the critique of a literary agent who is graciously giving us time and valuable feedback is, at the very least, tacky.
Kindly refrain.
No... I'm sorry. My deeply hidden PETA side swooshed to the surface over this. Evil kids harrassing that poor whale. what were they going to do with the SPEAR?
ReplyDeleteNo.
I like the action, and I like the voice, but I'm not happy about a quest to spear whales--if that is what's going on here. I'm afraid I don't know that much about whales and zodiacs.
ReplyDeleteStill, from my uninformed opinion, this sounds authentic, and fun. I'd definitely read on.
I think a 13 year-old MC is more of a tween novel, rather than YA. Something for you to consider. Of course, it depends how the story unfolds, the amount of curse words, and the depth of topic, but "adventure" to me says tween more than YA, anyway. YA, to me, always seems like dating or at least a crush on a girl should be tossed in.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Secret Agent that "boy books" are harder to sell, though girls are known for reading books with boy or girl MC's so that might offer you some hope.
Please, please let me offer you some free advice (for what that is worth) and say you cannot comment back to editors with statements like -- "This is why I can't get published, WOMEN are editors and women don't understand boy books." This is a gross exaggeration. When boy books to well they have a tendency to do very well -- think John Green's books, or Jay Asher's 13 Reasons Why, or Laurie Halse Anderson's, TWISTED and others in that vein. There are opportunities out there, and most of the editors of those "boy book" are women. You are not being picked on. This is a tough, tough business. I've been where you are and I understand your frustration.
Good luck to you. For what it's worth, I wasn't at all hampered by the "whale thing" or it even being illegal. I have three older brothers -- hell, I know from illegal!
Sorry, not hooked. Some bits amused me, and I like the names, but nothing really jumped out at me. (I could be tired, though, sorry.)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc