Title: MYSTIC TAXI
Genre: Steampunk Urban Fantasy
Lead-in: Wanda has stolen something important from Henry, and he uses his mind-bending power to try making her tell him where it is. They ultimately want the same thing, but each has a different idea for getting it.
In a choked voice, she said, "Must send them back to Hell."
"But they're here to help people." Henry meant every word, though his intention was to soothe whatever had aggravated her into stealing his boxes. "They want to be here."
Wanda shook her head. "Those demons don't know. It's not right."
It was Henry's turn to scowl. "What's not right?"
A thin line of blood trailed from one of Wanda's nostrils. Not good. She had to stop resisting him!
But he had to make her tell. Those boxes held the world's future. There was Levi to think about, and Vernon…
Wanda launched herself at him and he caught her by the elbows. Her right hand pressed against his chest, fingers splayed over his heart. "Stop," she whispered.
"I will. Just as soon as you—"
There was a tugging sensation beneath his skin, then beneath his rib cage. His heart pounded, the muscle cramping and then opening as if to release something from inside. Part of him felt compelled to return to the Earth's center and the molten core where the source of his being still lived. It hungered for half of him, his demon half, pulling at one part of his soul while the other part clutched desperately at his humanity.
"No," he gasped.
They stood locked together in a stalemate of power. If he didn't release her, she'd die. If she didn't release him, his demon half would leave him forever. And he'd surely die without it.
I like how there are a lot of "wants" going on here: she wants him to stop, he seems to like her but wants to save the world, he wants his demon half...very well done. He's got a tough decision to make :)
ReplyDeleteI love that last line. So much double-meaning here: he could physically die without his demon part, he could emotionally die, spiritually die, metaphorically die. Love it! I'm not big into Wanda, but that's probably just due to only getting a snippet of this. But the place you leave us in is definitely strong enough to keep me going full-steam!
ReplyDeleteFascinating, although the third paragraph from the end is a bit info-dumpy.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, beautiful tension.
ReplyDeleteCreepy, but beautiful. :)
Maybe the beat in the second paragraph is a bit clunky. Perhaps you could tighten, streamline it?
And a tiny thing: "No," he gasped. You can't really "gasp" a word, yanno? I mean, try to do it. It doesn't work. :D
Great tension. My favorite paragraph is the lengthier one right before Henry's "No" (and I have to agree with Authoress about the "gasped"--I tried it!). I could really feel Henry's inner turmoil, which in turn gave depth to the outer conflict. This drew me in completely and I found myself scrolling down to look for more, more, more!
ReplyDeleteGood job here. Very tense, with the conflicting power and motivations.
ReplyDeleteGood tension and interplay with their needs on a multitude of levels.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last paragraph, but I felt it took too long to get there. Try breaking the sentences into smaller ones, which will help speed up the overall pacing of the piece.
ReplyDeleteStandoff to the death. Nice tension here!
ReplyDeleteLoved the tention at the end. Quite an interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI would definately read on.
Very nice tension here, and nice details, too (love the blood trickling from the nostril). I agree about gasping words. Maybe just "He gasped. 'No.'"?
ReplyDeleteWatch exclamation points at the ends of declarative sentences, except in dialogue (and then use them only sparingly). Editors hate those things.