TITLE: Frostwork
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
"Pick your poison."
Poison, huh? A poetic cashier stood between me and the piercings I
wanted. I glanced at her name tag, a black rectangle filled with
scarlet letters, and pasted on a smile. "Hi, Rosia."
"Hello." Rosia tapped on the glass counter separating us. "Well?"
Not poetic, then. Bored. I followed the line of her hand to the
countertop. Snapshots decorated the surface, ranging from the
daintiest tattoo of a crimson rose to metal spikes jutting through a
stubbled cheek.
"Not that one." I pointed at the pierced cheek. The thought of a
needle breaking through that much flesh made my stomach clench. "Kind
of disturbing, isn't it?"
Rosia laughed. "Sure you don't want to give it a whirl?" She combed
strands of auburn hair off her forehead and peered over her shoulder.
"The girl doesn't like your spikes, Kandi."
"God, don't say that." I looked around the parlor of Punctured, my
fingertips tingling with nerves.
A man in the far corner tossed his magazine on a table. "No kidding?"
Two black spikes slanted a path down each of his cheeks. Silver
studs lined his left brow and a barbell pinched the bridge of his
nose. He stabbed an invisible knife into his chest. "You wound me."
Great, I'd offended someone in ten seconds flat. "No, I like them.
Just looks kind of painful, you know?" Idiot. I considered
backtracking to the door.
Kandi approached the counter, a lopsided grin lifting one line of
piercings. "You want a tattoo?"
I know my vote doesnt count, but oh yes, I'm hooked. I love the switch to first person. The setting is clear with little words used, and Kandi, yummy as his name. The opening line, added to my favorite list,is one I'll not forget. Thumbs up!
ReplyDeleteI like it overall. A few things popped - why is the cashier poetic? Is it the "pick your poison" comment? That doesn't really work for me because I think more of bars and alcohol with that, and it doesn't seem particuarly poetic. Also, I got a bit lost in the lines of description of her name tag; that doesn't feel that important to me and doesn't move the story along. But I do like the images of the pierced cheek and the pain, and I like the ending line because I think perhaps she's going to take the plunge into getting a tattoo. I'd read on.
ReplyDeletethe "poetic" comment threw me as well. But overall, clean writing and an interesting voice.
ReplyDeleteI love the title, and a good title is ALWAYS a way to put me in a good mood while reading. I also like these characters, though I wish I had a better sense of the narrator. My only real concern is that the pace seems to be slow; by alternating so heavily between dialogue and small actions, I feel like the moment is stretching out forever. Sometimes that's a good thing, but not necessarily right here at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to mention that 'pick your poison' makes me think of bars. It doesn't really seem to match a tattoo shop.
ReplyDeleteI would probably read on, though I'd keep thinking about that line.
I've seen this one before. You've managed to convince me this time, I think, to read on - oddly, I was swayed by the awesome title.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice and the setting, but I'm not pulled in just yet. I guess the debate over the tattoo just isn't strong enough to hook me just yet. I'd probably read to the end of the chapter though, to see where you're taking us.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, and would probably read on. There were a couple of bits that were confused me slightly, though.
ReplyDeleteI didn't quite make the leap from "pick your poison" to "poetic."
And I wasn't sure if the "Two black spikes . . .each cheek" was saying there were two spikes on each side (in which case, I think it's the slanted that's throwing me, though I don't know why it feels wrong) or one on each side (in which case it's the two that's throwing me).
Also, my brain wouldn't accept a guy named Kandi. It's clear Rosia is referring to him, that he's a man (from the stubble), and that he's the one coming forward in the last line, but I still felt disoriented reading it the first several times. I think it took three or four reads to put it together seamlessly.
I don't read urban fantasy, but you painted a very vivid picture here.
ReplyDeleteI got the connection with the poison and the poetic, but I guess that's just me.
Good writing, and I hope you tell us why the guy is named Kandi. Seems really ironic to me.
I like this. I want to know why someone who thinks a cheek stud is painful is in a tattoo parlor to begin with. I'll keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like the changes, it feels more immersive this time. The poetic line made me pause a moment as did the description of the name tag - particularly the pasted on smile on the tag.
ReplyDeleteI also like the voice, but there isn't anything here that really compels me to read onward as far as what's happening in the story.
I liked this a lot and would read on for sure. I'll agree that the "poetic" comment did catch my attention, but it didn't draw me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteI still love the atmosphere and the characters of this piece, but I do feel that it is taking too much time. I didn't get the 'poetic' references, or the description of the nametag.
ReplyDeleteYes. :D You know why, and I still want to read the rest! O:) *puppy dog eyes*
ReplyDeleteIt definitely grabbed my attention. Nice to see this one pop up again. It pulled and tugged me as the situation seemed to just turn more and more out of the MC's favor.
ReplyDelete