"Lottie, listen. I'm not sorry I kissed you back there. But I am sorry I made you uncomfortable."
"You didn't. I'm fine."
He was trying to read her gaze, but Lottie kept her eyes resolutely focused somewhere over his right shoulder.
"Just so you know," he said, "Evie and I aren't together."
"Have you told Evie that?"
"I mean, we've been out a few times, but I'm just not—"
"You don't have to explain your social life to me, Jack. It's not my business and I don't care."
"I know I don't have to explain it to you." He sounded exasperated. "But I wanted to, in case that might make you feel better. I just seized the moment back there. That's all it was. No big deal."
For some reason, this made Lottie even madder.
"Is that what you did with Evie in the office? Seize the moment, no big deal?" she asked, her fists clenched at her sides. "Did it ever occur to you that women might not appreciate you just attacking them like that?"
"Attacking? What the—"
"I'm not your stupid groupie, Jack. I'm not falling all over myself to get you to notice me. I never asked you to kiss me, and now it's made things awkward."
"Unless I'm mistaken, you kissed me back."
"You're mistaken."
I love Lottie's voice! This sounds like a fun read.
ReplyDeleteWell - there's certainly no mistaking the tension in this scene. Great job! Really like your dialogue - very realistic and engaging.
ReplyDeleteThis is sizzling with tension and I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteLottie is feisty. :)
I would just say "groupie" instead of "stupid groupie." Say it out loud -- it sounds funny. "Groupie" by itself is pejorative enough to be taken as an insult.
Good, strong YA voice. Loads of tension here--I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your lead-in, I groaned a little, worried it would be cheesy ("hidden underground tunnels" are always settings for murders/romance scenes). But when I read your 250, all worries were laid to rest. Your voice is entertaining (er, "Lottie's" voice) and I immediately love to hate Jack. I'd definitely pick up this book to find out what led up/followed this incident.
ReplyDeleteI'm no big YA fan, but the voice is good and the tension is clear.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. Strong tension, real dialogue. I think you could drop the "and now it's made things awkward", as both of them, and the reader, are already very aware of the atmosphere. As is, it sounds too much like an excuse or apology. Let the first part of the line stand stronger alone.
ReplyDeleteThere's definitely tension between these two. There appears to be no POV, or you switch POVs without warning. You start out in Jack's POV as he tries to read her gaze, then to Lottie's POV when she notices that he sounds exasperated. I couldn't tell whose scene this belongs to, and that caused me to stop reading as I tried to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get that Lottie was mad until it said she was mad. Maybe it's in there before your 250 words, but if not, try to show she's mad so you don't have to tell us.
ReplyDeleteI think you have good tension going, and generally good dialog. The word "mistaken" kind of popped for me, do people use that term with each other, especially in tense situations? It seems a bit quaint. "Wrong" seems like it would work better.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this--a lot of tension.
ReplyDeleteReally good stuff here--both character voices are strong and give a clear impression of who the speakers are. Maybe add add a few gestures to the scene, just to break up the dialogue a bit, and so that it doesn't feel like there's no motion in the scene. Plus, gestures also help support a character's personality when dialogue alone might not be enough.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. Loved both characters too. Good tension.
ReplyDeleteLoved this! I like Lottie's voice and the scene is rife with tension.
ReplyDelete"You're mistaken." ZING! Nice. :)