GENRE: YA Fantasy
How could Mom do this to me? Raychel stared out the rain-streaked truck window. She had not spoken to her mother the entire drive over but she could hold her tongue no longer.
"Why do you have to work today?" she asked as they pulled into the driveway of the antique shop.
"Because Leigh asked me," Raychel's mother replied as she got out of the truck. "It's only for a few hours." She shut the door and headed for the shop.
Raychel slammed the passenger door and stomped after her mother. The antique shop, aptly named Granny's Cottage, had once been the home of Leigh Robert's grandmother. The weathered wood on the building appeared cracked, gray, and as miserable as Raychel's mood. The soft blue-gray shutters complemented the ghostly gray of the building. Beads of rain clung to the wood and dripped from the window sills as if the building cried.
Raychel wished she could vent her frustration by releasing a few tears herself. But she was too old for crying.
The beautiful purple, yellow, pink, and white pansies blooming in the window planters added a touch of brilliant color to the drab storefront. As Raychel approached, the perfume of the flowers saturated in the newly fallen rain tickled her nose. Any other day she would have stopped to smell them, but pretty flowers did not change the fact Raychel did not want to be at Granny's Cottage today. Today was her fourteenth birthday.
Honestly, you lost me when Raychel's complaining turned into nothing more than her mom having to work. A bit extreme for only "Why do you have to work?"
ReplyDeleteI'm not in love. You paint a beautiful picture and I'm sure there are readers who will identify very well with this character, but I'm just not in love.
ReplyDeleteI love the visuals here. But the plot is not very interesting to me. It's her birthday and her mother has to work.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I get this YA fantasy genre, so I wouldn't read on.
I should have gone with the other beginning I have for this book.
ReplyDeleteDitto on sraasch's comments. Plus, the language doesn't feel like a YA read, IMHO. It's too "purple," at the end, versus the beginning section. Plus, Raychel whining so much about going to the shop doesn't really endear her to me as a protagonist. Perhaps if we had a stronger reason for her not wanting to be at the shop on her brithday might redeem her a bit, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteThe voice jumps between too adult and too childish. Nowhere could I tell that Raychel is supposed to be fourteen. And at fourteen, shouldn't she be more concerned about celebrating with her friends? Not whining that her mom needs to work? Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked. I think it's fine up until the pansies. The rest matches the mood, gives some setting, but she doesn't stop to smell the flowers so why should we?
ReplyDeleteIt would also be nice to hear a bit more about why she's protesting about mother working. If it's simply because it's her birthday, have her mention that. "Why do you have to work today? We should be [insert activity here] for my birthday!" Or something.
I'm not seeing the standout factor on this one. Again, nothing seems particularly wrong, but nothing is particularly right either. I want the sense that there's a stronger hook coming up.
ReplyDeleteHmm... this is an iffy/maybe.
ReplyDeleteI got this feeling like there was a little distance in spots. If you trim back some of the "Raychel" instances and simply mix it up with a few she's and her's. Also just focus on describing things from Raychel's perspective as she sees and hear it. Like have her turn her head and look at her mom, describe the right side of her mom's face, her mom's eyes fixed on the road ahead.
That said - you might have been going for a more distant view on purpose, so I'm just nitpicking.
No, sorry. When I see the MC staring out a window, I immediately lose interest. I'm at once expecting a navel gazing rumination on all the problems in the MC's life, etc, and nothing happens.
ReplyDeleteWhile the excerpt does move on, I don't really care about Raychel and find nothing to grab me.
Good luck,
~Merc
This didn't grab me, I'm afraid. I think that Raychel seems a bit too young (whining, stomping), and the narrator, though in Raychel's POV seems a bit old (aptly named . . .)
ReplyDeleteThe description of the antique shop drags a bit. There are some good images "Beads of rain clung to the wood and dripped from the window sills" But there are also a lot of places where it could be tightened and livened up. And do pansies have much scent? It's been a while since I've been around any, but I thought they didn't.
I think the idea--a girl being dragged along to her mom's work on her birthday--could go somewhere, so maybe this just needs to be polished up a bit. I'm not sure.
I hope this helps some.