Ooh, creepy. I like the tension, and the concept. My two cents would be that you don't necessarily need to describe what they're doing after nearly every sentence of dialogue. But this looks like a cool, spooky book.
I like it. The image of the stark white hair as well as the old lady grab my attention and I want to know what is going on here with the dad. Good job, good tension.
This is nice! I like the interaction between the two boys, and their conversation seems genuine. So do their thoughts. The tension of uncertainty builds gradually here. :-)
There's something inherently creepy about people's hair turning white all of a sudden. Thank goodness for modern cosmetology is all I can say.
This is good! I wonder if the old lady watching them is really old, considering what's happened to the dad.
The conversation between the boys is very in keeping with the age, I would think, and the cracking of the knuckles, etc., makes it read well for your age range.
Good job on the dialog. It painted a clear picture of what was going on.
I'm assuming that Jordan is the POV character.
My suggestions:
""Promise," Jordan answered, suddenly feeling uneasy."
So what does "feeling uneasy" feel like? Can you describe it without using "feel"? Does his stomach clench? shiver?
""What do you mean?" asked Jordan, cracking his knuckles."
I'd just have Jordan crack his knuckles. I figure that's a habit of his when he's nervous.
"Shane shrugged and twisted the handle bars of his bike. "He looks old.""
Good showing!
"Jordan stared at him, trying to understand."
Maybe Jordan can have some pictures flash through his brain that would show him "trying to understand"?
I did get a sense of some tension, but not reading the scene earlier with the old woman sighting, I can't tell if they're supposed to be upset or scared or what to begin with.
Definitely hooked. I liked the boys' voices--very authentic sounding and not overdone. Good hinting at the plot and conflict, too. I'd definitely read on.
This is awesome. I would have eaten this up as a kid. Two minor things. Watch the adverbs. I only found 2, but I don't think you need either one. Next, don't overwrite your text by cluttering it up with lots of extras. Good job!
Ooh, creepy. I like the tension, and the concept. My two cents would be that you don't necessarily need to describe what they're doing after nearly every sentence of dialogue. But this looks like a cool, spooky book.
ReplyDeleteI like it. The image of the stark white hair as well as the old lady grab my attention and I want to know what is going on here with the dad. Good job, good tension.
ReplyDeleteThis is good. Creepy, mysterious and tense even though there's nothing going on between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteWhat goes on at Waverly Hills...intriguing.
The words 'dead serious' are not needed. This bit was telling.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like an interesting book though. I would read on to find out why his father's hair has gone grey.
Great tension.
This is nice! I like the interaction between the two boys, and their conversation seems genuine. So do their thoughts. The tension of uncertainty builds gradually here. :-)
ReplyDeleteThere's something inherently creepy about people's hair turning white all of a sudden. Thank goodness for modern cosmetology is all I can say.
This is good! I wonder if the old lady watching them is really old, considering what's happened to the dad.
ReplyDeleteThe conversation between the boys is very in keeping with the age, I would think, and the cracking of the knuckles, etc., makes it read well for your age range.
I enjoyed this.
Good job on the dialog. It painted a clear picture of what was going on.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that Jordan is the POV character.
My suggestions:
""Promise," Jordan answered, suddenly feeling uneasy."
So what does "feeling uneasy" feel like? Can you describe it without using "feel"? Does his stomach clench? shiver?
""What do you mean?" asked Jordan, cracking his knuckles."
I'd just have Jordan crack his knuckles. I figure that's a habit of his when he's nervous.
"Shane shrugged and twisted the handle bars of his bike. "He looks old.""
Good showing!
"Jordan stared at him, trying to understand."
Maybe Jordan can have some pictures flash through his brain that would show him "trying to understand"?
I did get a sense of some tension, but not reading the scene earlier with the old woman sighting, I can't tell if they're supposed to be upset or scared or what to begin with.
Hope this helps.
Definitely hooked. I liked the boys' voices--very authentic sounding and not overdone. Good hinting at the plot and conflict, too. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe tension here is good especially towards the end where I was thinking 'What the heck?!" about the gray hair.
ReplyDeleteI did get a little bit distracted by the - dialogue/action thingies.
Like this:
Jordan answered, suddenly feeling uneasy.
and
asked Jordan, cracking his knuckles.
I think part of my problem is... well maybe I would mind the 'action' if you explained why. Sort of like:
"Promise," Jordan answered, growing uneasy. He knew there was something going on with Shane. He'd been too quiet lately, not his crazy self.
"What do you mean?" asked Jordan, cracking his knuckles. He stared hard at Shane, noticing the weird distance in his friend's eyes again.
Ths is nitpicking though. I love this from "The last time Jordan had..." down.
Nice job.
Very creepy. My son would love to read something like this.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. I would have eaten this up as a kid. Two minor things. Watch the adverbs. I only found 2, but I don't think you need either one. Next, don't overwrite your text by cluttering it up with lots of extras.
ReplyDeleteGood job!