TIT:E: A Taste of Fey
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
My colleagues warned me not to accept this assignment, but I was
young (relatively) and foolish (definitely) and I needed to prove myself.
It should have been a simple job: escort my client to and from the
Mocking Bard and make sure no one harasses, hunts, or harms him. Sure, the
piano bar might be in the middle of the were's territory, but I worked for a
wolf. I shouldn't have anything to worry about. Then again, my client
wasn't called Thrill Bill without reason.
Bill had quite the reputation at ParaSec. He'd been hiring agents
pretty regularly for the past three years. While he could have requested
the protection of a were, he always insisted he be escorted by a vampire.
It wasn't that he thought vamps were better agents - which, in my opinion,
we are - but he insisted because we're forbidden by ParaSec to bite our
clients. And yet, Bill had seduced almost every vamp he hired into sinking
their fangs into him. His bite count currently stood at fifteen, and there
was a wager among my colleagues that it would reach sixteen tonight.
I should have bet against myself because Thrill Bill was tickling
all my instincts.
"Reagan," he whispered.
I don't know how I ended up with my back pressed to a brick wall and
his teeth teasing my neck. I was ten times stronger than him. I could have
shoved him across the alley with my pinky, but here I was, losing control
and enjoying it.
Hmmm... interesting conflict. But I'm not sure I love the character. Will she lose her job for biting him? If she will, she's being stupid and I don't like her. If the job isn't on the line than her actions are ill-advised, but not seriously so and I could probably like this quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteIntrigueing setting, but you start the scene with your body guard character and end up in a romance. I really like the concepts behind this, but I think you want to start amid strong action - a fight or love tussle :) - and then move into the explanations.
ReplyDeleteI thought the main character was a guy until I read other people's comments. I'm not sure how hooked I am; vampire-werewolf stories are extremely overdone.
ReplyDeleteAgree with sraasch, the market is saturated with this stuff.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you have set up an interesting dynamic. Who or what is Bill? Why does he want to be bitten? Why does he need protection? Why are weres or vamps offering protection in this world? Protection from who or what?
I also agree with liliana, start with the action then move to the backstory. Starting with her telling a backstory sets her up as a knowledgeable tough cookie and then it's totally thrown away in the next para. And yeah, I kinda felt as just-me did; I felt like she was giving in to easily and/or was being foolish.
Ultimately though, if I were a fan of vampire/werewolf romances I'd read on to find out what all is at stake.
I enjoyed the voice here, and think the conflict has the potential to be interesting. I will say that I agree with some of the other comments in that starting with a little more conflict, then explanations might be more effective. Maybe use the last paragraph in your sub first?
ReplyDeleteThe first two and half paragraphs felt unneeded. The last three and a half I liked. I'd suggest cutting down on the job background information and starting with the interesting predicament instead. I also think the narrative needs tightening -- lots of passive sentences. As it stands, I'm not quite hooked enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeletethe first paragraph really interested me- it seemed like the type of book i really enjoy reading. but the next two paragraphs distracted me because it seems like too much telling instead of showing, or maybe too much backstory. If you do a bit more editing here, i think this could be great!
ReplyDeleteThere was too much explanation up front for me to get as engaged with this as I'd like to be. I'd prefer to see the action near the end up front and in active voice. I think I'd find it more compelling that way.
ReplyDeleteWay too much telling in the first few paragraphs for my taste, but I warmed up to this by the end of the page with the tension of would-she-or-wouldn't-she-bite-him.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. The character's voice is strong with a good sense of sarcastic wit. The biting part seemed a bit rushed to me, though. Regardless, I'd definitely still keep reading.
ReplyDeleteVampires really aren't my thing, but great voice, great conflict nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteToo much backstory/infodump for an opening. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until the last paragraph that I realized the MC was woman. I'd look to lose some of the backstory and hint at the stakes to add more tension to the situation. Sorry, not hooked quite yet.
ReplyDeleteIs the MC a man or woman? The name Reagan could go either way. I was expecting the complications to be different (more job related than client related), but I'd read on, see what happens. The world really intrigues me, and I want to know more about ParaSec.
ReplyDeleteI do think the MC gives in easy. Maybe you could move the background about being vamps being forbidden to bite their clients to the MC vocally protesting the situation. More showing, less telling.
I'm sorry... this doesn't quite hook me. Part of it is personal taste, I think. But also there is a lot of telling to start with.
ReplyDeleteMaybe just chop off everything before the dialogue - start with "Reagan," he whispered.
This isn't my type of urban fantasy, but I think it shows some promise. The voice is good, but be careful in vampire/werewolf territory. Something has to be phenomenal to stand a chance. I do like the idea of the Thrill Bill character, and I'm curious to see how it plays out.
ReplyDeleteI'm so-so. It felt a touch heavy on the information front, and I didn't find the voice as engaging as I'd hoped... but Thrill Bill intrigues me and the situation is interesting enough I might give it another page or so.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind vampires and weres ;) and depending on the blurb, it might be something I'd enjoy.
Good luck,
~Merc
Not really hooked, sorry. Personally, it feels to me like nothing really happens until the last few paragraphs. If you'd started there, and revealed the background information more gradually instead of all in one chunk at the beginning, I'd probably keep reading.
ReplyDelete