Genre: Urban thriller
“Yeah, let’s finish the bitch,” she said getting up.
I stood up and faced them, bracing myself for what I thought would be the finale. Blood was dripping down my face, and the headache I was suffering from, had to be the worst I’d ever experienced. My vision was clouded and fuzzy and I felt sick.
The three of them were in front of me, waiting to finish the onslaught. I wasn’t going to make it. Nevertheless, I was going down fighting.
I tried to hit at them only my fist didn’t connect to the target and I punched air. I roughly make out their shapes and shadows, but couldn’t focus on them properly, not that it mattered then. They shoved me against the wall and pinned up my arms. I struggled, but my movements made no difference. Monica’s shadow descended upon me. I only felt her first few punches.
Reaching my pain barrier, my body became numb; too weak to register any more pain. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I hoped it was sooner rather than later.
Well, you've definitely got conflict right off the bat, but we don't know the characters or the source of the conflict yet.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the fighting goes on too long here, Maybe snip after the "first few punches"? I'd like to get to some understanding of who these people are and why they are fighting.
You start off with intense action, and I like that they all seem to be girls. But I'd like to see something that would make me care about the main character and make this stand out from the zillions of other fight scenes out there (aside from the girl-fight aspect).
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you've got conflict right away but I'm not quite hooked. I'm not sure what it is...maybe though, this shouldn't be the first scene in your novel? Please keep in mind this is just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteFight scenes, to me at least, seem more effective when the reader cares a bit about the character being hurt, when they know the character a little more. Right now, we don't know anything about your character: her name, her age (teenager? adult?) or why she's being beaten. Is there some way to include a few more details that will help orient the reader? and help them to feel for the character?
Nevertheless... no. What kind of character thinks like that after a few punches? To formal. But the first strike against you was the language in the opening sentence. Since I don't know the characters or the story I get the immediate insult of your book cussing at me.
ReplyDeletePass.
The passive voice prevented me from getting hooked. Everything felt distant from the MC, including the fight (i.e., I wasn't really feeling his fear or pain).
ReplyDeleteSuggestion for using more active language:
I stood up and faced them, bracing myself for what I just knew would be the finale. Blood dripped down my face, and my headache had to be the worst ever. My vision went fuzzy and I felt sick.
For a fight scene, the writing feels too passive. I'd redo a lot of the sentences and make them more active. The descriptions also feel too clinical for a first person narrator being beaten half to death. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe MC seems disconnected from what is happening to her--very passive.
ReplyDeleteLines that felt passive or extraneous:
'the headache I was suffering from had to be the worst I'd ever experienced' - why not: my head throbbed/pounded/hammered.
'nevertheless' - a little stilted or formal
'my fist didn't connect to the target' - you could just say I punched air.
'pain barrier' - you mean limit?
'i knew i was going to lose consciousness' - too much concise thinking in a situation like that. You could just get to 'I hoped I'd lose consciousness soon.'
'eventually she stopped' - not strong enough for me. why not: relented, or ceased, or abated. Something that conveys relief.
The last two lines feel too external and distant. For a fight scene where the MC is the victim, I'd want to be pulled into the fear and desperation of the moment. Here it's told in a way that gives a feeling of resignation, like this happened so long ago.
Since I don't know anything about what's going on, it's hard to empathize. I'd need more context to get into this.
I'd pass.
You've got conflict, but the passive voice in the opening paragraphs turned me off. I also don't know the MC enough to sympathize with the beating. Maybe cut down the fight and give us a little character so we care more about what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI think this first page brings up the difference between action and conflict, and why we want to see conflict. Clearly, the action here is written very well, and I have no doubt that I am in for a wild ride as the novel progress. But this page lacks conflict, which is a story element with high stakes that may or may not turn out well for the character. I have a rousing scene, but not enough character or dilemma to keep me turning the page. My suggestion is to build up your character here before launching into a fight scene.
ReplyDeleteYes(ish). Instead of "she" and 'three of them', tell us who your protagonist is facing, and hint at the reason why they are attacking her.
ReplyDelete"Language" in the first sentence and passive voice during a fight scene where I don't know who to cheer for. Sorry, no.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble with how violent this is--but that's me.
ReplyDeleteProbably more of an issue is that I'm not sure what the narrator wants other than to survive this fight. And I think I could relate better to her if I had mmore of a sense of that.
The last line... "However, physically, I was unable to feel anything..."
ReplyDeleteThe HOWEVER strikes me as being awfully ponderous for someone who is being beaten senseless.
Tighten it all maybe? Because some of this is repetitive.
EXAMPLE:
"... Monica’s shadow descended upon me. I only felt her first few punches.
Reaching my pain barrier, my body became numb; too weak to register any more pain. I knew I was going to lose consciousness. I hoped it was sooner rather than later..."
ALL Of this can be reduced to, "I felt her first punches, pain stabbing into me from every direction, and then, nothing. Numbness. My head, began to drift, everything going black..."
In other words -- would she really AS SHE IS being beaten think, "I hope I don't lose conscousness?" Or would she just feel her head slipping away? The reader deduces she's losing consciousness (sp), don't they?
I like the violence (what can I say) but I'm afriad I didn't really connect with the narrator here and something felt off overall--I assume she'll either survive (or if she dies, she'll be back). I'm not sure if it's the fact I can't really feel what she's feeling, or that I just don't care yet or what, but I'm not really hooked.
ReplyDeleteSorry I can't be more specific in why--it doesn't really stand out to me and I feel like it's a bit on the telling side, though I'm not sure.
Wish I could be more help, sorry!
Good luck, :)
~Merc