GENRE: Young Adult Mystery
The great thing about Manhattan is that you’re never alone with your stalker.
I looked over my shoulder and the middle-aged creep ducked behind some overweight tourists. If he was trying to be inconspicuous, why was he wearing that bright red jacket?
My best friend, Rosie, and I were waiting with everyone else to cross the street. Cars honked and spit out foul smelling exhaust, and someone pushed me from behind. Not stalker guy, just the usual New York press of people. Rosie and I hurried with the rest of the crowd before WALK changed to FUGEDDABOUTIT.
I glanced back but didn’t see the red jacket. Rosie hadn’t even noticed stalker guy. My best friend was totally in the moment: Young up and coming actresses go to first non-school audition. I don’t know how she could read through the stars in her eyes but she checked the flyer against the address of the imposing building on the corner.
“This is the place, Ivy,” she said, voice bubbling with excitement. “Showtime!”
I couldn’t help grinning at her, my own blood zinging at the thought of landing a real paying gig.
“Only one problem,” I said, hustling her up the wide front steps. “Stalker guy’s here. Run!”
We dashed past the marble columns and got inside before the doorman had even moved. The huge lobby smelled of waxed floors and old money. We didn’t stop to admire the crystal chandelier or the cozy groupings of plush chairs.
Your opening line made me laugh out loud :)
ReplyDeleteI want to know why this man is stalking this particular person (girl? I'm assuming) and why she doesn't seem afraid of him. I'd keep going!
I could go either way here. But I'd read the rest of the chapter. I like the character, the tone is numerous, but I want to see where this is going first.
ReplyDeleteYour opening line and overall voice is GREAT. It would be nice to know Rosie is aware there has been a stalker in the past. I didn't realize that until the end. All you'd have to say is "Rosie hadn't noticed Return of the Stalker Guy played behind us". One VERY minor thing: You don't need the "evens". I'm a big fan of word cutting. :) But very well done and yes, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI was only going to comment on the type of books I normally read -- thrillers -- but almost everything here is YA. So...
ReplyDeleteVery nice opening, nice writing, nice title. Funny, obviously going somewhere. From this opening it seems the story is well-written and fast-moving. Good balance of action and exposition.
And I'm not even a YA fan!
Best opening line I've read for a while, but the excerpt didn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteI've read it just once and even as I type this, I can't remember what I read.
Just not engaging enough for me. Sorry.
Awesome opening line! :)
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I love the voice. First line: very hooky. We have conflict and action right away. We have a good read on the characters' personalities (as well, as ambitions etc.)
ReplyDeleteI would agree with liliana, you need to show that Rosie has also encountered Stalker Guy before.
Otherwise, very good. If this were a genre I read, I'd read on.
I have to say, I really liked your opening line. The main character has a great voice, and I'm interested enough to keep reading even though this is not a genre I typically follow.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line! It really grabbed my attention.
ReplyDeleteSome of the writing needs some tightening, or maybe just some rearranging of words, so the flow is smoother. At least for me. For instance, first line of third paragraph read awkward.
And I think up-and-coming actresses would read better if it were hyphenated. I got lost the first read on that.
but overall I liked it, and would read on.
Great opening line, but the rest of the piece failed to hook me. The whole time, I wondered how the protagonist could be so casual about a stalker following her and Rosie. Even if she's used to it, wouldn't she be a little worried? Her smiling and making lighthearted comments about New York and Rosie felt misplaced to me. Don't sacrifice cute voice for understandable emotions.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Alicia. You have me hooked a little bit, but things feel misplaced with the tone from the protagonist. Shouldn't she be worried? Maybe this is setting up the tone for the rest of the novel, but with just this snippet, I'm feeling lost.
ReplyDeleteIf you want it more lighthearted, then maybe refer to the stalker as something else less threatening?
Oh, I love your title, by the way. ;)
ReplyDeleteI really liked the opening line but I'm wondering if she seems too calm about a middle-aged creep who's been stalking her?
ReplyDeleteI love the opening line. Great! The rest of the opening could use a heightened sense of emotion I think... is shy trying to spare her friend by not tell her right away? Or is she really so unconcerned? I'd like to have the rest of the beginning keep a finger on the pulse of her emotions.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely liked this! Good voice for Ivy and great settings of surrounding details--subtle and effective, without hitting your readers over the head with them. And ditto on a great opening line!
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I didn't feel like your MC reacted realistically to stalker guy. If he's scary enough that they have to run from him, she should have grabbed her friend and taken off the second she saw him.
ReplyDeleteI did love your opening line, though, and I'm interested in how the girls' auditions go, so I'd read a bit more.
Like the voice of your character and the first line is great! You get to some action right from the get go.
ReplyDeleteI'd end chapter one with : "Stalker guy's here. Run!"
Then start ch. 2 with: We dashed through the marble....
Good job. I'm hooked.
I ADORE the first line (ADORE!ADORE!) but I feel like the tension goes downhill after than, and I lose interest. She really doesn't seem concerned about the stalker, which kills the conflict for me.
ReplyDeleteThe fisrt line is good, but her flippant voice and complete lack of concern takes away any kind of tension. Is this stalker a real problem , or some fake conflict to start the story?
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see what's next.
I love the humor here. Yes. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that I didn't quite like was the FUGETABOUTIT... it made me hear annoying voices in my head. Yes, we get she's in NY.
I guess one more thing is that there is information about the stalker's jacket and Rosie... but not so much info about the protag. That isn't such a big deal, because I assume you were just putting up the setting and situation and had to cut off before telling us who "I" is.
I like this very much- it seems like it has some commercial possibility. Young adult mystery/thrillers are a category that editors are trying to fill right now. I don't think there's enough here to judge if it will be successful, but its a promising start. I couldn't quite tell if the stalker was a returning figure or not, so that's something that should be cleared up.
ReplyDeleteI loved the first two paragraphs, and the opening line is great. :) the third paragraph read a bit awkwardly, though.
ReplyDeleteOh, and until I read the comments I didn't realize the stalker guy was returning... I assumed it was a new development. So if he's stalked them before, you might want to make that clearer.
Overall, it's hooked me enough to keep reading, but not enough to immediately buy the book.
Great opening line! Yes, I would say I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI did find the repetition of the narrator mentioning Rosie is her best friend a bit annoying, as I got it the first time, and I wasn't sure why the MC would suddenly yell about the stalker and expect her friend to have a clue when she clearly didn't before. That seemed a bit rushed at the end, but overall, I liked it and would read on. :)
Nice job.
~Merc
Awesome opening line, but as has been said before, it lost me after that.
ReplyDelete