Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands.
I'm seeing a lot of 'someone did something as' in these. I don't think it's wrong, but it's starting to feel repeative. Your second sentence is awkward, I'd redo it to make it smoother.
I'd be more specific. Where did she pull the sheet up to - her eyes? her chin? her nose? Take the she watched and the beginning to turn. just say, The doorknob turned. I don't like the second sentence, it killed the suspense. It seems high tension so use a short sentence with direct thoughts.
I'd like to read on to see what happens to this frightened girl, but can I point out two things? One, the second sentence actually is two (a run-on, I believe), and, uh.... How is she seeing the doorknob if the covers are over her face? The covers might not be over her face, but that was my assumption based on Abigail pulling the covers up "as far as she could." Just a thought, but you might want to make clearer where the covers ended up. :-)
"Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands."
Yes, knowing where the covers are pulled up to will keep us from wondering how she was watching the doorknob. The second sentence does read like a run-on, but adding a semi-colon (or a colon) after "long" would solve that problem. I'll add that "from his hands" could be deleted to tighten up the suspense.
I don't think she's frightened in the sense some are getting here. I think she's quaking in anticipation. If that's the case, I want to keep reading! But only if you mend it properly.
Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands.
Yes, how far did she pull up that sheet? Obviously not over her eyes - so what would keep her from pulling the sheet up over her eyes?
The second sentence is a run-on.
I don't like the phrase "proceed to." It's wordy and unnecessary. And maybe change the word "make" to "force"?
Oh, boy. This definitely needs clarifying. The 2nd sentence is a run-on but that didn't bother me much. What bothers me is that I can't tell whether 'he' is coming to abuse this child or 'he' is playing hide and seek with her. If the former, I wouldn't read on. If the latter, the wording really needs to be clarified; not something you want the reader to misread.
She either needs to be quaking in fear or giggling with delight at some point to set the tone.
I'd want to read the 3rd sentence to see which of the two situations this is.
Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands.
I like the premise, and would read more but it needs a lot of trimming.
The first sentence sets the stage very well, creates drama, fear, and tension. But the second sentence goes a long way to dissolve most of that. She's classifying her fear, becoming clinical or dramatically inclined. Which might be exactly what you want - but the first sentence set me up for something else, a different type of character.
I liked it but I've had a play and re worded it. Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself.
With the sheet pulled up to her chin, Abigail watched the doornknob begin to turn. How long could she to stay under there before he pulled her out and made her plead for mercy.
The second sentence needs some editing, it's phrased awkwardly. But I do have instant sympathy for the fearful character.
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing a lot of 'someone did something as' in these. I don't think it's wrong, but it's starting to feel repeative. Your second sentence is awkward, I'd redo it to make it smoother.
ReplyDeleteTrim and tighten this and I think it will work better. You used "as" three times in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'd be more specific. Where did she pull the sheet up to - her eyes? her chin? her nose? Take the she watched and the beginning to turn. just say, The doorknob turned. I don't like the second sentence, it killed the suspense. It seems high tension so use a short sentence with direct thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou have three sentences here--the second is actually two. I did want to read on though.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to read on to see what happens to this frightened girl, but can I point out two things? One, the second sentence actually is two (a run-on, I believe), and, uh.... How is she seeing the doorknob if the covers are over her face? The covers might not be over her face, but that was my assumption based on Abigail pulling the covers up "as far as she could." Just a thought, but you might want to make clearer where the covers ended up. :-)
ReplyDelete"Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands."
ReplyDeleteYes, knowing where the covers are pulled up to will keep us from wondering how she was watching the doorknob. The second sentence does read like a run-on, but adding a semi-colon (or a colon) after "long" would solve that problem. I'll add that "from his hands" could be deleted to tighten up the suspense.
There are some grammar and phrasing concerns in here, which detract from the hook and emotions you’re trying to build.
ReplyDeleteI don't think she's frightened in the sense some are getting here. I think she's quaking in anticipation. If that's the case, I want to keep reading! But only if you mend it properly.
ReplyDeleteAbigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands.
ReplyDeleteYes, how far did she pull up that sheet? Obviously not over her eyes - so what would keep her from pulling the sheet up over her eyes?
The second sentence is a run-on.
I don't like the phrase "proceed to." It's wordy and unnecessary. And maybe change the word "make" to "force"?
I am definitely intrigued and would keep reading!
I think this should be at least 3 sentences, if not 4. Paired back and correctly punctuated, it might work better :)
ReplyDeleteI'm conflicted - on the one hand, the fear is a bit of a hook. On the other, the character seems very passive, which is a turn off.
Echoing the rest, I am hooked in by what is happening but I think some editing into smaller sentences is necessary.
ReplyDeleteI don't get any actual emotion from this. Is she fearful, anticipating? The two sentences seem to conflict rather than mesh. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteOh, boy. This definitely needs clarifying. The 2nd sentence is a run-on but that didn't bother me much. What bothers me is that I can't tell whether 'he' is coming to abuse this child or 'he' is playing hide and seek with her. If the former, I wouldn't read on. If the latter, the wording really needs to be clarified; not something you want the reader to misread.
ReplyDeleteShe either needs to be quaking in fear or giggling with delight at some point to set the tone.
I'd want to read the 3rd sentence to see which of the two situations this is.
Abigail pulled the sheet up as far as she could as she watched the doorknob begin to turn. No, she couldn't stay under there for long he would pull her out and proceed to make her plead for release from his hands.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise, and would read more but it needs a lot of trimming.
The first sentence sets the stage very well, creates drama, fear, and tension. But the second sentence goes a long way to dissolve most of that. She's classifying her fear, becoming clinical or dramatically inclined. Which might be exactly what you want - but the first sentence set me up for something else, a different type of character.
ReplyDeleteI liked it but I've had a play and re worded it. Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself.
ReplyDeleteWith the sheet pulled up to her chin, Abigail watched the doornknob begin to turn. How long could she to stay under there before he pulled her out and made her plead for mercy.
I couldn't tell if she was afraid or anticipating. The sentences seemed to run on forever and became confusing. Sorry not hooked.
ReplyDelete