TITLE: Christmas Moon
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Amanda and Marty are on a date and stargazing. Amanda sees something
at the edge of the woods.
I whispered, "Marty, what is that? It looks too big to be a dog."
Before he could answer, we heard a low, threatening growl. I could
see the huge dog-like creature inching towards us baring its huge
white fangs. I slowly stood up, suddenly afraid.
"Marty, let's go. Make slow movements so it won't chase us." He
slowly stood up, and we both got down off the picnic table. As soon
as we both touched the ground, the dog-thing charged at us.
"Run, Amanda!" Marty yelled. I started running towards his car, but
the creature came after me. I heard Marty whip his blanket off the
table and start running somewhere behind me. Was he leaving me?
Distracted, I slipped on the dew-drenched grass and landed on my hands
and knees. Before I could scramble up, a great weight landed on my
back causing me to collapse under it. From the growling and snarling,
I knew that it was the vicious creature. I couldn't escape! I felt a
sharp pain slice down my back, forcing a scream from me. It had
managed to tear through my thick coat. Marty had caught up with us
and tried to throw the blanket over the monstrous creature. I guess
to try to pull the thing off me.
The blanket didn't wrap around it, and the dog-thing kept scratching
and biting me as I struggled to break free. I could feel a warm
liquid spreading down my sides and legs as it soaked into my clothes.
This is the reason why I never go stargazing with dates at the edge of a dark thick woods... :O
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, this is great.
Only nitpick would be more of a description of the 'doglike' creature - I mean, besides 'doglike'.
I am, of course, convinced Amanda's just been bitten by a werewolf. Bad news.
I like the scene. It does paint a very vivid picture with great tension.
ReplyDeleteHowever . . . .
Try and eliminate the "ly" words, and tighten up a few sentences.
I think, unless you mean to write in past tense, it might be "better" if you reworked the sentences to eliminate most of the "had" words.
Just my two cents! :)
Good tension. One thought - I'd take out the part where she thinks about why Marty is putting the blanket over the thing, because it detracts from the tension - she'd be unlikely to be speculating why Marty is doing this while she's fighting for her life. Otherwise, very good.
ReplyDeleteGreat tension, here! I agree with Blodwyn; the part where she's thinking about what Marty's doing with the blanket is too focused and detracts from the confusion of the moment.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the input guys. I will try to clean it up a little bit. Thanks for the suggestions.
ReplyDeleteI think that the dog is probably a warewolf. Great tension. I would definitly read on.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it werewolves never resemble Chihuahuas? Now THAT would be truly frightening. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think this could use some tightening, but it does express tension and fear. A couple of nitpicks, if I may: There seems to be some "bouncing" going on in the first two grafs. Both kids "slowly stand up," and then they "get down" off the picnic table. I was winded. ;-) Also, please (I beg you) find some way to vary the description of the "dog-like" creature. Once you've told us it's dog-like, how likely are we to forget that? Maybe you could sprinkle in "snarling beast," "salivating maneater" or "smelly minion of hell"? :-)
Well, I didn't think I had anything to add, but disorderly's suggestions for the creature certainly up the tension for me!
ReplyDeleteI thought overall the tension was pretty high, but I was distracted by all the concerns with the blanket.
I too got hung up on the blanket. Also the 'I felt' and 'I could feel' might have more tension by feeling more imidiate if she did just tell us what she felt without telling us she felt it. Such as: A sharp pain sliced down my back.
ReplyDeleteVery intense, are you sure this isn't the end of the book?
ReplyDeleteOne thought though, action scenes read faster if the sentences are shorter and choppier. Chopping the large paragraph into smaller pieces to get the benefit of white space wouldn't be bas either.
Otherwise, very good.
Good scene for tension. I hadn't even considered a werewolf until I read the other comments. (blush)
ReplyDeleteI'll give some nits to consider:
"I started running towards his car"
Well, did you run or not? In an action scene, which this is, you have to write it like it happens. You ran! But "ran" is so -- um, ordinary. How about "tore"? raced? sprinted?
"I heard Marty whip his blanket off the table and start running somewhere behind me. Was he leaving me?"
As with the others, she wouldn't be thinking this with a creature at her heels. And again, is Marty running or not? Also, if she's dashing away, how could she know what he's doing behind her?
"From the growling and snarling, I knew that it was the vicious creature."
You already described this beast as a terror. Do we need to be told she knew it was vicious? If she hadn't thought it vicious, she wouldn't have taken off like that to begin with.
"It had managed to tear through my thick coat. Marty had caught up with us and tried to throw the blanket over the monstrous creature. I guess to try to pull the thing off me."
Again, why is she thinking about Marty? I'd be yelling, screaming, doing anything to get away, not worrying about what Marty's doing. Maybe she could scream, "Get off!" or something like that.
This narration slowed the action and pulled the reader (me) from the tension.
"kept scratching and biting me"
Again, scratched and bit are more powerful and active. Could you figure out synonyms that are more descriptive?
"I could feel a warm liquid spreading down"
A warm liquid spread down my side. Was I bleeding to death?
You know, something like that might increase the tension.
Hope this helps!
The passive voice in this passage makes it hard to get into the tension. For example, you write, “I felt a sharp pain slice down my back, forcing a scream from me.” But a stronger, more active suggestion is, “Sharp pain sliced down my back. I screamed.” Also keep in mind, shorter sentences help quicken the pacing, which is something you really want in a tension scene.
ReplyDeleteGreat tension here. I would shorten the sentences, though.
ReplyDeleteYou also repeat words, which slow the action down: huge and slow in the beginning.
Chop up your large paragraph. Let us feel the tension more with short sentences.
Very tense situation. Needs some work. Watch the adverbs. Often times directional words are not needed. Example: In your sentence: a great weight landed on my back causing me to collapse under it. "Under it" can be deleted. If a great weight lands on you and you collapse, it is obvious you collapsed "under" the weight. Try not to use the word "that" unless you absolutely need to. Most times the sentence works fine without it. The scene seemed a bit passive, try to write it so it seems more like it is happening now. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks guys. I didn't realize I was being that passive until everyone here pointed it out. I've made lots of revisions thanks the the feedback I've gotten.
ReplyDeleteThanks again.