TITLE: Spook
GENRE: YA
The three of them stood at the edge of the sidewalk, pulled rubber masks out of their backpacks and put them on. One was a laughing gargoyle, another Frankenstein and the third, Shrek, with blood running down his eyes. They ran screaming around the front yard doing karate chops and kicks at the house.
The gargoyle suddenly stopped and ripped off his mask. Orange hair lay plastered against his pasty white skin. "Hey, freak face!" he shouted. "Get out here and join the circus!"
His friends fell on the ground, howling with laughter.
The kid eyed the windows then the front door, daring me to come barging out, pulling the door off its hinges. Then, as if, he'd been poked with a cattle prod, he ran yelling down the street, the other two chasing behind him. It was the second time that week I had to put up with their crap.
"Punks," I whispered, watching as the last one disappeared from sight.
They were getting too ballsy. Earlier in the week, after they'd seen me walking to the mailbox, there had been a contest on how far they could spit into the driveway before Eleanor Roth had yelled at them out her front door.
I glanced at her house now; the curtains were shut tight. I relaxed a little. The neighborhood spy had missed the show.
A black cat poked its head out of the bushes, ambled over to the front steps and looked up. Its yellow eyes spied me behind the wooden blinds.
It looks like an outsider story. I like those since there's hopefully a comeuppance at the end.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering what scared the bully - does the MC have special 'spooky' powers? I'd start the narrator's voice a little sooner since it was jarring to hit the "I" in the middle of the page.
I'm afraid I wasn't really hooked. I have a feeling I would enjoy this if the MC was introduced at the start, but as it stands, I couldn't get into it and didn't know why the MC seems rather apathetic toward the taunting.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. I'm not entirely sure what's going on but I like the character's voice and I'm engaged. That's the big thing for me, if I can connect with the character I'll keep going.
ReplyDeleteThe sudden switch from 3rd person to 1st threw me out of the narrative. If this is first person, we need to know that from the very first line, and see everything through that character's eyes, not like an omniscient narrator not involved in the scene at all.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the infodumping/backstory takes away from the current moment and tension.
So no, not really hooked. Sorry.
I like the second half of the opening. The protagonist seems fascinating and I want to know more about her. Or him? I couldn't figure out the gender or age, which might be a good thing to address. I'd read more, depending on the plot.
ReplyDeleteIt could be because we are not introduced to the main character right away, but I had a hard time understanding the motivations of the three kids. They want the narrator to come out, but they run away yelling? I just don't get the sense of a smooth throughline. Let us know more about this main character, since surely he or she is the most interesting hook.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely. I really feel for your character. You made him very sympathetic here... it a bit like Erik/Phantom.
ReplyDeleteYou've got some good description, but I'm having a little trouble relating to the narrator. He (she?) seems a bit cranky to me. Admittedly he or she has good cause, but I'm still not fond of the attitude.
ReplyDeleteI'm also unsure what to think of the Eleanor Roth character--normally I'd consider chasing the harrassing kids away a good thing, but then she's described as the neighborhood spy--so I'm confused.
So, all told, I'd need something more, I think, to want to read on here.
Not hooked, sorry, but I think it was mostly because I didn't know the narrator was first person--it sounded like a distant omni narrator at first, which turned me off.
ReplyDeleteI don't get a good sense of the MC, though, but I think if you could hint at the FP narrator earlier it would be less confusing when we get the "I" in there.
Good luck,
~Merc