TITLE: The Breakaway
GENRE: Young Adult
Naomi gripped the leather-wrapped steering wheel of her mother's
Mercedes and pressed on the gas as hard as she could. She had never
felt such rebellion in her life. It was unexpectedly thrilling. Almost
addicting. Her hands began to shake as the pearl-white sedan zipped
along the curves of the California coastline.
She wanted to get her mother's attention. A desperate need, something
she had been fighting the entire sixteen years of her life, throbbed
beneath her skin. She ignored the trembling in her fingers and pushed
the gas even harder as her mother, sitting lazily in the passenger
seat with her elbow propped against the door, spoke into her cell
phone. Her voice, delicate but determined, filled the silence of the
car as legal jargon and other things Naomi had never bothered to
understand rolled off her tongue. Oblivious to Naomi's speeding, she
lowered her eyes to the stack of papers balanced on her knees.
Naomi didn't slow down. The urge was stronger than ever to get her
mother's attention. Perhaps it was the car—her mother's latest prized
possession. Naomi was surprised she'd even allowed her to drive the
stupid thing. She held her breath as her mother's words echoed through
her mind—
"You have to have what to get your license? Fifty hours of
driving with me or your father in the car? Your father doesn't have
that kind of time. I don't have that kind of time. But if we have to.
. . ."
I'm interested, but I don't think I can call it hooked yet. You can take out a lot of words to tighten and make things stronger. Words like "almost" "nearly" are almost (:)) always removable because if it's that close, just say it's there. Do a word search for "beg" and remove began, begin and just have her do it. The word "start" has the same problem, although I don't think you used it. Be spare with your words and they'll work harder for you. That said, I think I read this in a previous contest and if I'm right, this is much stronger. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI don't think Naomi would consciously know she's trying to get her mother's attention. Teenagers don't really like to admit that they want the approval of their parents. It made Naomi seem much younger to me than someone who could be driving. I agree with lilianamama's suggestions about word-cutting too; you have some awesome description (I LOVE the descrip of the car zipping along the coast) but it could be quite a bit tighter.
ReplyDeleteTelling, passive, word mob - auto reject. If I saw this in the bookstore I'd put it down because it just doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteIt should, the scene is very evocative, but you've kept it too nice and sweet. I'd love to see this with a slightly harder edge. More Marlowe than Austen.
Don't tell me she felt the thrill, show me she's thrilled, show the heart racing, the maniac smile. It's going to be good. :o)
Hey writer -- Don't worry about what just_me wrote. All her posts are fairly self-centered, usually referencing herself in every sentence. It would seem the purpose of leaving comments is to offer constructive criticism, not just snappy put downs. Check out her other posts.
ReplyDeletejust_me has a blog that lists nine unpublished novels, and has an excel chart where you can track her progress. So that's where she's coming from.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteanon--
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support - I appreciate your concern!
I work with just_me in a critique circle online, so I know she's being honest and straightforward with me for a reason. And my work isn't necessarily up her alley, so I don't expect her to be hooked. :)
I believe all the comments here will help me grow as a writer. I am too wordy and not showing enough. I have already reworked the opening and am waiting for some critiques. What are YOUR thoughts on my passage????
I like what you have here. I'm not altogether hooked on it, but I think it's good. It's not overly "telly", despite what some others say. I think you could take out the "she wanted to get her mother's attention" part because that really is telling and unnecessary. The rest of Naomi's actions convey that she wants her mother's attention.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I also think you should take out the line about wanting to get her mother's attention--you say that twice in this excerpt.
ReplyDeleteI agree with just-me. It could be much more active. With sharp contrasts between Naomi's actions and her mother's actions, we'll get the idea the MC is trying to get her mother's attention. ;)
I do find this passive for an opening. I think trying to get the mother's attention would be something that wouldn't be too hard to show and would inject a bit more tension into the scene simply by the showing.
ReplyDeleteNice idea though, and I would read on if I "saw" the character more and the wording was a bit tighter.
Not hooked quite yet. Everything but the last two lines are introspective narration, and really no active actions or responses.
ReplyDeleteAlso, overly-melodramatic lines like A desperate need, something she had been fighting the entire sixteen years of her life really kinda make me cringe. She'd been fighting the feeling as a four-month-old infant?
Maybe start this with an action, like the protagonist speeding and running a light and getting caught by a cop, and then introduce the feelings behind the act.
I think this has a lot of potential but the passive writing and narration drags it down. It seems more wordy than it needs to be. For example this: "She had never
ReplyDeletefelt such rebellion in her life. It was unexpectedly thrilling. Almost
addicting." Could be be streamlined to a more powerful: "Rebellion was unexpected thrilling, almost addicting."
With some work on the teen voice I think Naomi's desire to make her mother notice her COULD be conscious and work, but she articulates it in narration in too adult a matter. Perhaps consider some direct thoughts about wanting her mother to look up and notice how fast she's taking the turns in specific instead of a general "I want attention"?
Just some things to think about to make this more active and compelling.
Ugh... typo, I meant: Rebellion was unexpectedly thrilling, almost addicting.
ReplyDeleteJust so I don't look like a total idiot there. ;)
I agree with sraasch: I don't think Naomi would realize she's trying to get her mom's attention. Also, at first I thought Naomi was stealing the car from her mom. When I figured out the mom was there, I got a little less interested.
ReplyDeleteI say let her steal the car. THAT should get mom's attention. :-)
Other than Naomi being too aware of her motives, I like the setup of her mother being in the car with her, oblivious and ignoring her. I'd keep reading a little longer, but I'd need a stronger sense of the plot to stick with the whole book.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Ardyth's post.
ReplyDeleteThis can work, but it needs to be a bit more active, IMO.
As somebody who has been in a head on collision, you really have me cringing and tensing up over here. I expect an accident.
ReplyDeleteOnce I got over that and read that her mom is in the car, I'm wondering if her mom (distracted as she might be) has nerves of steel or if she's landing a lucrative deal... wouldn't she be sliding around in her seat and forced to hang on to the papers as the protagonist whips around the curves?
That's my thinking aloud though. I would read on - albeit squeamishly.
i'm hooked, at least for another page or two. I do agree, though, with sraasch that Naomi probably wouldn't realise she's seeking her mom's attention.
ReplyDeleteI can see that this is a great set up for what appears to be an excellent story starter. When you have a speeding car on a winding road, something interesting must lie ahead! However, I did not trust Naomi's understanding of herself- adults are rarely that aware of their feelings, let alone teenagers. Tone this down in order for this to seem authentic. Not quite hooked, but almost there!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. Although I think it's better than one of the versions I read (or maybe it was just the opener--sorry, I don't recall exactly), I'm afraid neither the MC nor her situation really interests me. (Though, granted, I'm more a spec fic kinda girl. ;))
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc