The moment Thya stepped foot on earth, she sensed something wasn’t quite right.The orb was situated just a few blocks from Craine Investigations, but before she could make a start, she wanted to find out what Alkazar found so funny.
Lots of information but not enough reference points. Are you sure you're starting the story in the best possible place? I don't like feeling this overwhelmed two sentences in. Sentence three may make everything perfect, but this is intimidating.
So, is Alkazar finding something funny the thing Thya senses as not quite right? If not, then it seems as if the two sentences are tugging the story in different directions.
I think the premise may be interesting, but this isn't quite there yet for me.
The moment Thya stepped foot on earth, she sensed something wasn’t quite right. The orb was situated just a few blocks from Craine Investigations, but before she could make a start, she wanted to find out what Alkazar found so funny.
I'm really, really confused. I agree with "just me" - there just isn't enough concrete information to orient me at all.
I liked the first line but the second one confused me. That she was more concerned with what was funny than what wasn't quite right, drained the intial tension for me.
First sentence I like, second sentence I don't because there's too much in it. It refers to too many things that I have no clue about, and I'm left feeling confused rather than hooked.
Too much going on for me. We've got an alien who senses somethign isn't right, some orb is by a private eye building, and there's another alien who thinks something is funny.
All of this seemingly has nothing to do with each other. Just_me might be right, in that the 3rd sentence could pull it together, but based on these two, I'm just confused.
The moment Thya stepped foot on earth, she sensed something wasn’t quite right. The orb was situated just a few blocks from Craine Investigations, but before she could make a start, she wanted to find out what Alkazar found so funny.
I didn't like "something wasn't quite right" in the first sentence. It is an over used cliche. Doesn't really say anything.
Also did not like the but before she could make a start. A start for what?
Lots of information but not enough reference points. Are you sure you're starting the story in the best possible place? I don't like feeling this overwhelmed two sentences in. Sentence three may make everything perfect, but this is intimidating.
ReplyDeleteSo, is Alkazar finding something funny the thing Thya senses as not quite right? If not, then it seems as if the two sentences are tugging the story in different directions.
ReplyDeleteI think the premise may be interesting, but this isn't quite there yet for me.
The moment Thya stepped foot on earth, she sensed something wasn’t quite right. The orb was situated just a few blocks from Craine Investigations, but before she could make a start, she wanted to find out what Alkazar found so funny.
ReplyDeleteI'm really, really confused. I agree with "just me" - there just isn't enough concrete information to orient me at all.
I liked the first line but the second one confused me. That she was more concerned with what was funny than what wasn't quite right, drained the intial tension for me.
ReplyDeleteSome passive voice concerns here. Also, I kinda feel that first line is cliché. I’ve read tons of fantasy and SciFi books that start off the exact same way. It’s also an obvious plot device—if something wasn’t “wrong,” then what would be the point of writing about it?
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence I like, second sentence I don't because there's too much in it. It refers to too many things that I have no clue about, and I'm left feeling confused rather than hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the ideas I'm seeing here, though.
First two lines of the third book of a fantasy trilogy. I guess I was assuming the reader would have read the last two books. lol
ReplyDeleteThanks, for the helpful comments.
Too much going on for me. We've got an alien who senses somethign isn't right, some orb is by a private eye building, and there's another alien who thinks something is funny.
ReplyDeleteAll of this seemingly has nothing to do with each other. Just_me might be right, in that the 3rd sentence could pull it together, but based on these two, I'm just confused.
I am also confused. Maybe the rest of the para clarifies things a lot but it feels like a good deal is crammed into these two sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe moment Thya stepped foot on earth, she sensed something wasn’t quite right. The orb was situated just a few blocks from Craine Investigations, but before she could make a start, she wanted to find out what Alkazar found so funny.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like "something wasn't quite right" in the first sentence. It is an over used cliche. Doesn't really say anything.
Also did not like the but before she could make a start. A start for what?