Kieren heard the Call just as her husband unrolled the parchment map of the kingdom’s newest trade route. Noises tore through her head, and a barrage of images hit her, each too wild to grasp. A voice, loud and full of fear like the roar of a winter wind, broke through the sound.
Elerosse is hurt.
She ran. Elemmire and the other nobles in the chamber room called after her, but she did not turn around. Her son was hurt, and nothing in the kingdom could keep her from him.
Her heart pounded as she pushed through the crowded stone hallways. Elemmire’s heavy footfalls fell behind hers, but she could not stop; would not waste breath answering the questions he threw at her.
Her son’s edere, his elvish Light, was cast in shadow. She felt the darkness.
Kieren rounded a corner, then raced down a stairwell towards the Great Hall. Rosse and his cousins were supposed to spend the day in the garden when afternoon lessons were over. She sent a silent plea to the Gods that the elflings were still there. Morraugh, please do not take him from me. Not another one.
Last steps cleared, she turned left towards the inner gate. Only a few more feet and…
She froze. Couldn't move; couldn’t think.
Her eldest brother stood in the archway, his twin elflings at his side. The children were pale faced, eyes fixed on the silent, unmoving bundle their father held.
Kieren felt bile rising in her throat.
Yes. Hooked, hooked, hooked. :)
ReplyDeletewow! ditto to h. I. dyer. hooked! very fluid, and im immediately sympathetic to the protagonist.
ReplyDeleteJust want to say that the formatting gods hate me. There used to be italics and paragraph marks in here, I promise!!!! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and responding! I really, really appreciate it!
You managed to make me care about Kieren's distress, even though I know almost nothing about her. I'm hooked enough to read more. I want to find out what happened to her son.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I don't think the semicolons are doing you any favors. Both of them brought me to a halt. I think a plain comma or two short sentences would work just as well.
Much improved over the last time I saw it! Well done and well hooked!
ReplyDeleteLots of tension here. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteHooked on this one. I am not a reader of fantasy, but I feel at home in the world even in this short sample. I know quite a lot about the characters and their pasts without having the slightest hint of an info dump. All the information has been worked into the storytelling, and I immediately want to know the status of the bundle.
ReplyDeleteThis is truly excellent! I am heartbroken for Kieran. I would definitely turn the page WITHOUT HESTITATION!
ReplyDeleteAbi
Great. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I liked the sentence, "Noises tore through her head, and a barrage of images hit her, each too wild to grasp." I think it's a bit too generic for me to get into.
The "not another one" prayer was fabulous. It did some world building, hinted at great backstory without telling, and upped the tension all at the same time.
I wish I could read on.
I liked it, the tension and action are a good hook and I'd read on. :)
ReplyDelete~Merc
Wow, I remember seeing an earlier version of this, and this is so much improved! You've upped the tension considerably, and even though high/epic style fantasy isn't really my thing, I'd consider giving this one a go :)
ReplyDelete