GENRE: Young Adult
It was the toaster's fault.
Or, at least, that's what I told myself as I stood in the nearly-deserted parking lot outside the mall, listening to the security guard lock the doors behind me.
I wasn't normally in the habit of blaming toasters for my problems...but this one had given me more than my fair share of trouble. Some of it was my fault, I guess; my cousin was getting married tomorrow and I really should have known that my mother would forget to buy a present--a fact that she informed me only an hour before the mall closed. So I rushed to the Macys and searched for the remaining items on my cousin's registry. I ended up with a toaster, but not just any toaster. It could toast four bagels at once, calculate long division, and clean up after the dog. It didn't come cheap, either. Hopefully, I wouldn't be around when my mother opened the credit card statement.
The whole thing put me in a bad mood...especially because I'd found the toaster five minutes before the mall closed, and I'd been rushed to the register and promptly kicked out of the store by a security guard who was obviously pretending not to speak English."
Love the voice and the opening line. :)
ReplyDeleteThe opening line is great, but I feel as though the rest was a bit over-dramatic for someone just being on the wrong side of the mall. I would probably keep reading for a little while because your voice is entertaining.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. And, the voice of a genuine teenage drama queen.
ReplyDeleteI think the voice is spot on, and I'd read on, assuming that something is going to happen between the wrong side of the mall and the toaster-bearing protag's car. ;) Good job!
ReplyDeleteI love the first line, I like the voice, and I'm interested in the story. But it doesn't feel quite young enough to be YA, though I'm the wrong side of thirty, so maybe I just don't know what young sounds like anymore. Also, I feel like I'm still waiting to figure out what is the toaster's fault. Is there any way we could get to that sooner?
ReplyDeleteLOL! Love the voice. But what was the toaster's fault? So far it's the mother's fault that she's there. I want the toaster to be a problem (as the great first line suggests)so I hope it is. Merliniana
ReplyDeleteI like this. The only part that popped for me was "calculate long division and clean up after the dog" because coming after "could toast four bagels at once" it almost feels like you mean this. Maybe some qualifier like "practically" would help. Otherwise, though, very nice. I would continue reading.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening, loved the first line! I would definitely turn the page
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Very engaging. Immediately liked the character. The first line is a hoot!
ReplyDeleteI hate to be the rain on the parade on this one, but I feel it needs a lot of work. I wasn't immediately intrigued by the scenario, and I don't think the stakes for having to walk around the mall parking lot are particularly high. I also did not fall in love with the voice; it seemed a bit too contrived to me. But, on that note, voice is one of those characteristics of writing that is truly subjective, and just a matter of taste.
ReplyDeleteI feel you are trying too hard on this one. Let us see what is the toaster's fault sooner . . .
ReplyDeleteWhere's the tension here, too? I'm not feeling it.
I do like your voice, though. You have a good start.
The opening line is dynamite, but the rest of the piece fell apart pretty quickly, I thought. There are some punctuation and grammar errors (including a run-on sentence), and those just turn me off immediately. on the positive side, I liked the character's emerging personality. :-)
ReplyDeleteLoved the first part of this. I think you lost the tension in the last paragraph or so, but I'd read on because I assume something bad is about to happen?
ReplyDeleteHehe, I like this.
ReplyDeleteFun voice, but I'm not sure talking about a toaster for a page hooks me. Just from this, I'm not captivated. If I knew more about the plot, I might read further.
ReplyDeleteI would read this based on the opening line and I ended up with a toaster, but not just any toaster. It could toast four bagels at once, calculate long division, and clean up after the dog alone. LOVED the voice and the set up, and I want to know where this is leading.
ReplyDeleteYes, you're voice and humor is fun enough I'd keep reading for at least one more page. But I'd sure want to know something was going to happen soon other than unlocking the car and driving away. . . .
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, and I love the line about cleaning up after the dog.
ReplyDeleteThe thing I have a problem with is that your MC is outside the mall doors, but you immediately slip into backstory about what had just happened. I'd rather go on to find out what is happening and why I should care about that.
But that's picky. I like your style and I'd read on.
I think you've captured the teen angsty stuff well. The mall and a toaster would be a big deal to a teen. I love your title.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. Love the opening. I'm not sure where you're going but I'll keep reading because I connect with the character.
ReplyDeleteI just came back to say that this is my favorite entry overall (I haven't read them all, but I have read most). Something about the voice really stuck with me, and this one is memorable after reading it a few days ago.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't happen to be the agent's pick, you are mine :)
The opening line is awesome. I have to agree with dj in that you could refocus the piece to make it move forward that much faster. Maybe move it back a minute or so with the slamming/locking of the door. The character spinning around and realizing that the MC is on the wrong side of the mall.
ReplyDeleteLet the situation explain itself or come in later.
Loved the first line, and the title, so yes!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need all the ellipses and there seems to be a random double quotes in there, but overall, I like it, the voice is good and amusing, so I would read on. :)
~Merc