TITLE: Love, Friendship, Politics and Magic
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy
Seconds before the bell rang, Princess Sarah slipped out of her seat and raced for the door. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw one of her burly security guards stumble to his feet and shake the other man’s shoulder. Slowpokes. Smiling, she ducked under someone’s arm into the quickly filling hallway, squeezed through a group of chattering girls, twisted around a corner and ran up the nearest flight of stairs.
Two floors up, she squeezed past crowds, keeping her head down. At the end of the hall, she jogged sharply left into an empty hallway. One, two, three doors on the right. Really? She’d thought this was a broom closet. She yanked the door open, revealing a set of narrow stairs. They creaked ominously as she plunged down.
At their base, a door opened on a dirt alley where they kept the dumpsters. Sarah ran between two of them, hurdled the chain-link fence separating the alley from someone’s junk-strewn back yard, and dashed to the street beyond, dodging a rusted-out wheelbarrow and a once-pink kid’s bike.
Steph was already there, her family’s Tamarank van idling. Sarah jumped into the back and slammed the door. “Let’s go.”
Steph steered away from the curb. “Girl, we’ve got a problem.”
“They found us already?”
“No way. They’re probably still wandering around the second floor. It’s my mom. She texted me an hour ago--she got me an appointment with a recruiter from Perlman’s Athletic Department.”
“You’re kidding me. For today?”
You lost me at "Princess Sarah". My mind went to lower middle-grade book, not YA. I kept reading to see if it was a pun of some kind, but got lost even further in the heaps of description of her her running out of school. Tighten that up a bit and, if it's possible, just call her Sarah.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sorry. I'm confused by why she's running. Maybe it's appropriate for the age group, but I'm not grabbed.
ReplyDeleteI realize this is just one opinion, but I would start at the point where she gets into the van. I don't think you need the description that goes before.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the running and ducking tries to action-y and suspenseful...it really didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what all is at stake so I can't feel one way or the other about her escape.
In the end, all I know is that she's a princess (which stuck out like a sore thumb, for me.)
I think you should start with the tension leading up to the moment of her escape (sitting in class nervously watching the time, some internal thoughts, and then the bell rings and she's off.) OR start with her getting in the van.
As it is, I don't feel invested enough to read on.
Yeah, you also lost me on the "Princess" comment. The pacing was fine, but I didn't really felt drawn into this story just yet, probably because I don't feel Sarah's voice really permeates the narrative. so, sorry, but I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeletePrincess Sarah? I need a few more details about her being a princess before I find that bit of information believable. A real princess in a normal school with super inattentive guards? Not plausible enough for me without more information. The last paragraph about a recruiter doesn't hook me into wanting to read more.
ReplyDeleteAdequate. Story could be good or bad; can't tell too much from the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely should take out "squeezed" being used twice in two sentences so close together.
Re the other bloggers being confused about what kind of princess: me too. But I also know that realistically, anyone who picks up this book in the bookstore or library is probably going to read the back jacket, or have heard about it from a friend. If they didn't, they may have to go beyond the first couple hundred words to get all the details.
I'm just not quite sure what's going on here. I don't feel this entry is very cohesive- the description of the main character running didn't capture my interest, and I don't think naming her "Princess Sarah" makes me buy that she is actually a princess. I also don't like the title. If this were to make through my initial slush pile cull, I'd like to see a better character snapshot and a greater sense of realism.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't bad... but I'm really confused about the "Princess Sarah" and the modern setting. Would make better sense to give her name and then wait for the right moment to say she's a princess - even just letting her friend (?) Steph call her "Princess" and have Sarah react to that.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is that through the first part where she is running around, I couldn't get a clear idea of the setting. She's at a school, I'm guessing. But you have her ducking under disembodied arms and dashing past faceless crowds. Maybe show a little more of these other people (like she knows who they are, right?) to the reader.
What is she running from that's so terrible? What's she running to that's so wonderful? Running with a lot of description that could be cut is not conflict. We need a reason to feel for her.
ReplyDeleteThanks everybody. This obviously needs more work than I thought it did, and you've pointed me in a couple of fruitful directions, I think.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry, I wanted to stop when I read "Princess Sarah." I know this is superficial, but I'm tired of the name Sarah in fiction, I'm too jaded about princesses to care, and I really didn't find anything here to grab my attention.
ReplyDeleteI was confused about the situation, why she is running, and why I should care about it.
Also, as another note, I get irritated at seeing 'useless bodyguards'. Why are these guys even being paid? An occasional slip I could understand, but these seem to come across as rather useless and pathetic as far as bodyguards go. If she can slip away any time she wants, why do they still have their jobs?
Anyway, sorry about the mini-rant. :P The excerpt just touched a few pet peeves of mine. ;)
Good luck with this,
~Merc