This doesn't hook me. I'm assuming it's not the body talking, but that's not clear. How did the body appear? Did it drop from something? Was it a trap? I think you could rewrite to make it have more impact.
I'm wondering why the very first sentence is "'Hey.'" That seems like a throwaway to me, especially since the quote is disembodied (so to speak). Maybe start with the second sentence instead?
This is a bit too ambiguous for my tastes. Is it the body that spoke, or the narrator? Is the body a corpse, or someone hanging upside down? A bti of mystery is good, but it’s important to center the reader right off the bat.
The body is very eye-catching, but I echo the other comments regarding confusion. This of course might be resolved in the next few lines. I'd consider, as someone else said, cutting the "hey" and hitting us with the body image, it's a strong one.
Heh, it's funny how unobvious something becomes out of context! I like the suggestions of reordering the sentences, etc. Thanks for the comments. Will work on making this clearer, and possibly try for something a little punchier :)
I can't add anything new, but I will say that for a contest like this, I'm not sure the use of "Hey" as a sentence all by itself was really the way to go.
Do you know, I feel really, really stupid right about now. It's only just occurred to me that I took this from an old version of the story. I haven't worked on this in a while, and I'd totally forgotten I'd rewritten the opening *blush*
The hey threw me, I wanted to know if the body was talking or if someone seeing the body was talking. I'd drop the Hey for a longer more descriptive sentence.
This doesn't hook me. I'm assuming it's not the body talking, but that's not clear. How did the body appear? Did it drop from something? Was it a trap? I think you could rewrite to make it have more impact.
ReplyDeleteNot sure who said, "Hey". A little more detail on the body and where its hanging would help.
ReplyDeleteWho said Hey? The body? Doesn't make sense to me.
ReplyDeleteNot working for me either, mostly for the reasons already stated. I need some sense of setting and/or who's talking.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering why the very first sentence is "'Hey.'" That seems like a throwaway to me, especially since the quote is disembodied (so to speak). Maybe start with the second sentence instead?
ReplyDeleteI could do without the 'Hey' and more about the body appearing.
ReplyDeleteI am really confused with the order of things happening, because I don't know who is speaking.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit too ambiguous for my tastes. Is it the body that spoke, or the narrator? Is the body a corpse, or someone hanging upside down? A bti of mystery is good, but it’s important to center the reader right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, the sentences that came after would clarify what seems confusing to me in the first two.
ReplyDeleteThe body is very eye-catching, but I echo the other comments regarding confusion. This of course might be resolved in the next few lines. I'd consider, as someone else said, cutting the "hey" and hitting us with the body image, it's a strong one.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested.
ReplyDeleteHeh, it's funny how unobvious something becomes out of context! I like the suggestions of reordering the sentences, etc. Thanks for the comments. Will work on making this clearer, and possibly try for something a little punchier :)
ReplyDeleteI can't add anything new, but I will say that for a contest like this, I'm not sure the use of "Hey" as a sentence all by itself was really the way to go.
ReplyDelete'Hey.' A body appeared hanging upside down from the tree.
ReplyDeleteI am thoroughly confused. I think I should keep reading . . . too bad there's only two sentences.
All prior comments should help you out on this!
Do you know, I feel really, really stupid right about now. It's only just occurred to me that I took this from an old version of the story. I haven't worked on this in a while, and I'd totally forgotten I'd rewritten the opening *blush*
ReplyDeleteSorry, guys.
~ The Blushing Author
I didn't get the Hey.
ReplyDeleteI thought that this was a little wierd. Maybe some words before "Hey!" would be better.
ReplyDeleteI''m posting this beofre reading the other coments, so I may repeat what has already been said.
ReplyDeleteThe line didn't do it for me.
It sounds as though the body is saying the line.
Is someone saying: "Hey, there's a body hanging from a tree!"
ReplyDeleteIs soemone saying: "Hey, I'm a body hanging from a tree."
Is the body alive or dead? This is too confusing.
The hey threw me, I wanted to know if the body was talking or if someone seeing the body was talking. I'd drop the Hey for a longer more descriptive sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe 'Hey' confused me also. The opening sentence would strengthen without it. Interesting though.
ReplyDelete