I like the second sentence better for a hook. The first and second sentence were very different. The first one seems too poetic for the type of story the second sentence seem to be.
Reverse the order of the sentences. Also, I kind of paused on the word 'springing'. I couldn't get an image out of something jumping. I get what you were going for; it just didn't work for me.
I LOVE your first sentence. You've established a nice voice right away.
I kinda wanted to see a name in the second sentence; someone specific to hang this poetic emotion on. I think that's an artifact of Authoress' masochistic sense of humor, though. (Two sentences? Only TWO? And I thought 250 words was bad! ;-) )
"Instead of springing eternally, hope trickled, drop by drop, until it finally swelled into certainty. Three more days, and she would be safe."
I'd keep reading. I agree with Raylynne about the new twist on the phrase -- it suggests that this POV character is someone who sees things a little differently, and that we'll hear about her unsafety in an intriguing way.
I'm not sure. I like your wordplay, but I feel torn by the certainty, and then the uncertainty implied in that in three days she would be safe. That seems to mean that at that moment, she is unsafe, which doesn't feel very certain.
Like some others, the juxtaposition of the very poetic first sentence with the more hooky second sentence doesn't work for me.
I don't know if I'd read on. It would depend very much on the blurb, and on whether there was an indication of how poetic the rest of the book was going to be.
I like this. I get a sense of urgency that something good will happen if she can just make it 3 more days. Right away, I'm eager to find out if she does.
Very, very interesting. I like it, and I like the whole idea behind it. This sets me up for a lofty, poetic style story though - the kind that is well written enough to not be dismissed as "full of itself," but still fairly close to that edge. If that's what you're going for, you've got it nailed. Pretty cool if you ask me.
Very poetic. I'm curious about the character but I don't want to read a whole book that poetic.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. I thought this was very well done.
ReplyDeleteNice voice and turn of phrase.
ReplyDeleteI like the second sentence better for a hook. The first and second sentence were very different. The first one seems too poetic for the type of story the second sentence seem to be.
ReplyDeleteI liked this--a new twist on a tired phrase is always welcome.
ReplyDeleteReverse the order of the sentences. Also, I kind of paused on the word 'springing'. I couldn't get an image out of something jumping. I get what you were going for; it just didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your first sentence. You've established a nice voice right away.
ReplyDeleteI kinda wanted to see a name in the second sentence; someone specific to hang this poetic emotion on. I think that's an artifact of Authoress' masochistic sense of humor, though. (Two sentences? Only TWO? And I thought 250 words was bad! ;-) )
"Instead of springing eternally, hope trickled, drop by drop, until it finally swelled into certainty. Three more days, and she would be safe."
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. I agree with Raylynne about the new twist on the phrase -- it suggests that this POV character is someone who sees things a little differently, and that we'll hear about her unsafety in an intriguing way.
Very well written. Loved them both.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure the combination of cliché and its opposite works with the more modern phrasing of the second sentence. I think it would be more powerful, and more gripping, if you just started with the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to be negative, because I really like this. But I'm suffering from confusion here.
ReplyDeleteWe have springing, which is an upward motion. Then we have trickling drops, which is downward. Then we go to swell, which is again a rising up.
If that was your intention to show the MC's uncertainty, then it works quite well. If not, then ignore me.
I'm not sure. I like your wordplay, but I feel torn by the certainty, and then the uncertainty implied in that in three days she would be safe. That seems to mean that at that moment, she is unsafe, which doesn't feel very certain.
ReplyDeleteInstead of springing eternally, hope trickled, drop by drop, until it finally swelled into certainty. Three more days, and she would be safe.
ReplyDeleteI think this would work great if you used the second sentence as the first. That grabbed me!
Like some others, the juxtaposition of the very poetic first sentence with the more hooky second sentence doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'd read on. It would depend very much on the blurb, and on whether there was an indication of how poetic the rest of the book was going to be.
I love this. I'm curious as to what will happen after three days. I would definately read more.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's just me, but I did not feel these two sentences fit together.
ReplyDeleteI like this. :-)
ReplyDeleteI like this. I get a sense of urgency that something good will happen if she can just make it 3 more days. Right away, I'm eager to find out if she does.
ReplyDeleteVery, very interesting. I like it, and I like the whole idea behind it. This sets me up for a lofty, poetic style story though - the kind that is well written enough to not be dismissed as "full of itself," but still fairly close to that edge. If that's what you're going for, you've got it nailed. Pretty cool if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteDoes this part mean she wants to go to to heaven>>>Instead of springing eternally,
ReplyDeleteThis part could mean she's not dying yet>>>hope trickled, drop by drop,
And maybe this means she's recovering>>>until it finally swelled into certainty.
Not sure about this one. I woul read on to find out>>>Three more days, and she would be safe.
I liked it. I thought the first sentence was a bit too long though. I am curious as to why she needs to be safe.
ReplyDelete