Theodora sat in the principal’s office, again. Across from her sat Mr. Silver, in his dress shirt and tie and his perfectly combed grey hair.
I like the "again" - that sets up a lot right there. How many times has this girl been in there?!
Also, I like the second line for the description. I would word it as more of a list, however: "Across from her sat Mr. Silver, in his dress shirt, tie, and perfectly combed grey hair."
I believe (but I could be totally wrong) that the accepted and standard spelling in the US is "gray" not "grey."
But, hey, you might not be in the US, so feel free to ignore me.
I'm interested, but wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet. Going to the principal's office isn't quite strong enough IMHO, and the fact that Theodora spends more time musing about Mr. Silver's appearance than whatever trouble she might be in pulls away from whatever tension you're trying to build.
I like the first sentence, but the description in the second sentence didn't help me get much of a picture of the man Theodora is facing. (I like the name "Mr. Silver, though.) Unless principals have changed a lot since I was going to school, they all wear dress shirts and ties; and many have perfectly combed hair. There's little distinctive about this guy for me build my image of him around.
Other than the 'again', there's no hook here. I'd give it another page based on the again and probably the blurb, but something interesting needs to happen fast...
The "again" says so much. I can almost see her roll her eyes with the comment. The second sentence seems to step away from her voice. She's seen him so many times, give us more of what she thinks of him rather than sees physically.
Agree with Mary about giving us more of a sense of how Theodora feels about the principal vs. what he looks like. I'd also maybe consider reversing "the principal" and "Mr. Silver" - at first I didn't connect the two and didn't realize they were one and the same.
Other than "again" nothing really catches my attention--and even then, it doesn't really seem that unique or interesting.
The description of Mr. Silver sort of threw me as I was hoping for more of an idea about the situation or action rather than describing the guy she's looking at.
The first sentence sets up a good conflict. I'll give you a few more pages to hook me.
ReplyDeleteTheodora sat in the principal’s office, again. Across from her sat Mr. Silver, in his dress shirt and tie and his perfectly combed grey hair.
ReplyDeleteI like the "again" - that sets up a lot right there. How many times has this girl been in there?!
Also, I like the second line for the description. I would word it as more of a list, however: "Across from her sat Mr. Silver, in his dress shirt, tie, and perfectly combed grey hair."
I believe (but I could be totally wrong) that the accepted and standard spelling in the US is "gray" not "grey."
But, hey, you might not be in the US, so feel free to ignore me.
The first sentence and mostly the word 'again' got my attention.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested, but wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet. Going to the principal's office isn't quite strong enough IMHO, and the fact that Theodora spends more time musing about Mr. Silver's appearance than whatever trouble she might be in pulls away from whatever tension you're trying to build.
ReplyDeleteI like this. How old is Theodoraa?
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence, but the description in the second sentence didn't help me get much of a picture of the man Theodora is facing. (I like the name "Mr. Silver, though.) Unless principals have changed a lot since I was going to school, they all wear dress shirts and ties; and many have perfectly combed hair. There's little distinctive about this guy for me build my image of him around.
ReplyDeleteOther than the 'again', there's no hook here. I'd give it another page based on the again and probably the blurb, but something interesting needs to happen fast...
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a very average situation. We know more about the principal's attire than the plot or the MC. Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt got my attention. I'm presuming that she's in trouble and so is Mr Silver. Or maybe she had a fight with the teacher, Mr Silver. I want to know!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is great. I think I'd move the description of Mr. Silver to later on, though. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe "again" says so much. I can almost see her roll her eyes with the comment. The second sentence seems to step away from her voice. She's seen him so many times, give us more of what she thinks of him rather than sees physically.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Mary about giving us more of a sense of how Theodora feels about the principal vs. what he looks like. I'd also maybe consider reversing "the principal" and "Mr. Silver" - at first I didn't connect the two and didn't realize they were one and the same.
ReplyDeleteOther than "again" nothing really catches my attention--and even then, it doesn't really seem that unique or interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe description of Mr. Silver sort of threw me as I was hoping for more of an idea about the situation or action rather than describing the guy she's looking at.
Good luck,
~Merc
The ägain"really makes the first sentence. the second sentence is boting description, anmd does little to keep me interesting.
ReplyDelete