GENRER: Middle Grade Suspense/Thriller
If I didn’t find a job, my mother threatened to show my entire football team the picture of me wearing a mini dress and blonde wig for Halloween three years ago. I think she means business and I can’t risk it. My finances are draining fast between sneakers, video games, and pizza. I need cash.
For starters, there’s this hot girl in my math class named Jen Palumbo. Sometimes I catch her staring at me. Not staring in a bad way. So, I’m thinking maybe I’ll ask her to hang out after school. Go for a slice of pizza or something. I won’t beg mom for money not that she’d give it to me anyway. That’s one excellent reason to get a job and fast. I don’t want this girl to start eyeing some other dude before I get a chance with her.
I was in my bedroom scanning the newspaper and saw a help wanted ad for a busboy. The address was a short bike ride from my house. It paid decent money and I heard that busboys could do well with tips. I would stop there after school tomorrow. Boy, was I psyched!
Foster’s Eatery. Something about the name of this place rang a bell. I sat back on my bed. It took all of three seconds to remember.
“Oh, crap.,” I whispered.
How could I forget THAT place?
I had a little trouble following along. I would find myself pulled out of the story as the tense would change from past to present, then back again.
ReplyDeleteI think you can lose "I need cash." in the first graf. We get that he needs money from the threat of the picture and the fact that in the previous sentence you say that his money is drained between sneakers and such. Don't tell us twice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cole about the present tense switching to past in the third graf. I wasn't confused, but it was odd.
Other than that, I like the voice of the teen. :)
The lure of what's up with this place looking for a busperson has me hooked.
ReplyDeleteThere's edits I'd make. An example of some: I'd change mother to mom in the first line to be less formal. I agree with the other comment and I'd trim the line, I need cash, to end the first paragraph. I'd tweak spots for a bit more show...Sprawled on my bed, I scanned the newspaper and an ad for a busboy jumped out at me.
But, all in all, I'd have to read on just to see where you're taken us. Thanks for sharing.
From "Foster's Eatery. Something about the name . . ." on, I was hooked. But before that, I was having trouble latching on to this story. I think the shifting from past to present back to past didn't help much. I know people talk that way--I do it myself sometimes--but it isn't working for me here.
ReplyDeleteYour character has a great voice and you do a good job of getting inside his head. The tense switching doesn't work for me, though. BTW, I think I went to high school with someone by that name!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the voice on this one- it sounds appropriate for a middle grade novel. However, does a middle school reader really click with someone who needs to get a job? I think the line edits made in the comments section are great suggestions, and you definitely want to make sure your tenses are smooth before sending something in to an agent. It never makes me reject something outright, but if there are issues on the first page, I proceed with caution.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. There's an odd tense switch in the first paragraph (which repeats several times), along with a nagging certainty that if the narrator had worn that getup only three years earlier, surely at least someone on the football team would have seen him -- unless the narrator moved in the interim, but the writer doesn't say that.
ReplyDeleteThe constant tense changes are annoying, but otherwise yes :)
ReplyDeleteThis piece doesn't feel polished enough. I noticed several punctuation errors. The transition between thoughts needs work. You jump from a football team to embarrassing photos to a hot girl to lacking cash to job details, and it all feels too stream-of-conscious for a middle grade book. Also, a teenager old enough for a job sounds like YA material. I'd skip all the reasoning and start with the protagonist arriving at the restaurant. Fit the rest in later.
ReplyDeleteGood, solid voice for the MC, and I like the twist at the end with the name of the place. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteBut I would also recommend naming your protagonist in these first 250 words. It helps to connect to the MC if we know their name.
Yeah, the tense changes aren't necessary and are distracting. And I agree with Raylynne and suggest you start with your character expounding on why he doesn't want to apply at Foster's rather than on why he needs money. I think you'll get more "grab" and tension then. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm torn. On one hand the voice is strong and the character makes me laugh. On the other, the conflict isn't enough and I don't connect to the scenario. I'm not sure someone reading middle grade fiction will either. Isn't that ages 7-11 or 12 usually? Would someone that young connect to worries about getting a job and a date?
ReplyDeleteMaybe this would work better as YA?
I agree with the other comments about this being more YA--most MG kids would be looking for odd jobs or babysitting stuff for cash, imho. I liked the ending of this, and would read on if it started with it.
ReplyDeleteIt feels a bit jerky and disjointed to me, but I liked parts of the voice and might give it a few more pages. Not exactly hooked, but with some polishing and work I might.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused why it's listed as MG, though?
~Merc