For a kids book, this is an adorable beginning. My only comment is that I think these lines would be straightened if we got a brief insight as to how the narrator feels about this event.
But I agree with Lady Glamis that it would be hard to be unclear about how often the elephant bounced. Of course, you can't just take out "once or" or "or twice," as that ruins the rhythm, so your fix isn't easy or obvious. But I bet you can come up with one.
Interesting. I'm a bit shocked, but okay. For a kids book I'd keep reading. Although I prefer Hi to Hey.
ReplyDeleteChildren's book? Picture book? The opening imagery is delightful.
ReplyDelete"Hey" rhymes with "today." I got it. :-)
An elephant flew through my window today.
ReplyDeleteHe bounced on my bed once or twice and said, “Hey!”
I think it would be pretty clear if it was a "once" or "twice" bounce from something as huge as an elephant.
Did the bed break?
This would work nice for a children's book.
For a kids book, this is an adorable beginning. My only comment is that I think these lines would be straightened if we got a brief insight as to how the narrator feels about this event.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Very, very much.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree with Lady Glamis that it would be hard to be unclear about how often the elephant bounced. Of course, you can't just take out "once or" or "or twice," as that ruins the rhythm, so your fix isn't easy or obvious. But I bet you can come up with one.
For a kid's book, great.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is a real winner. The second makes me kinda go 'What the?', but it's not /so/ jarring that I wouldn't read on. Esp for children lit :)
I love it.
ReplyDeleteI loved it. Not sure about "Hey!" though. Maybe, "Hey there!"
ReplyDeleteI would read on though. Sounds delightful.
This sounds fun. My son would enjoy it. :-)
ReplyDeleteLove it! Wonderful imagery. I don't think the once or twice thing is a big deal.
ReplyDeleteSounds fun - I like it.
ReplyDelete